Rick Ankiel will be here soon...

Our feelings for Rick Ankiel are nothing compared to the debilitating mancrush/torch Deadspin carries for him, but we liked the guy, too. There's a chance, however slight, he'll be called up to the Bigs before the end of the regular season. We doubt it happens, but it's encouraging. Not as discouraging, however, as this:

Welcome to Judgement Week

In about five hours, the St. Louis Cardinals season could come to an end. Many fans, myself "somewhat" included, think this has already happened. The loss of staff ace Chris Carpenter to Tommy John surgery crippled the Cards' hopes of a miracle second-half comeback. Without Carpenter, and with Mark Mulder still rehabbing, the Cards de facto ace is Adam Wainwright. Look, Wainwright is a big talent with a bright future, but he's not an ace. And he's not someone you'll see headlining a playoff rotation.

At 8:05 EST tonight, the Cubs will roll into St. Louis, plop Carlos Zambrano's round ass on the mound, and attempt to drive a dagger through the hearts of Cardinal fans everywhere. This will hurt. It will hurt not only because it's always painful to lose to the Cubs, but because it's excruciating to lose to the Cubs as you essentially hand them the division lead. Make no mistake, if the Cubs sweep the Cardinals, it will be a referendum on both teams' seasons. The Cards, last October notwithstanding, have been a .500 team for the past calendar year. The Cubs, atrocious last year, have added hitting, pitching, speed and a steady hand in the dugout.

This is Judgement Week: a six-game homestand against the Cubs and Brewers. By late Sunday, the Cardinals will either be dead and dirt-filled or clinging to life. We're hoping for the latter. After all, training camp doesn't even start until Sunday.

Cardinal fans, it's time to pack it in

Well, we knew this was coming: Chris Carpenter, he of the enigmatic elbow, is done for the 2007 - and possibly 2008 - season. Our playoff hopes now rest on the arms of Mark Mulder, Adam Wainwright, Braden Looper, Mike Maroth, and either Kip Wells or Anthony Reyes. Collective ERA? We'd have to crunch some numbers to be certain, but it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 5.00. It's over, guys. Shut down Rolen, get that shoulder fixed. See what prospects are there that can be dealt (it's a dry cupboard) and find at least two respectable starters. Ponder the thought of bringing Rick Ankiel up this September to get his major league batting feet wet. There's no alternative now. We're almost 10 games out, August is right around the corner and our savior isn't coming.

It pains us to write this, but probably not as much as it pains Deadspin to have posted the above photo this morning.

Cardinal fans meet your savior: Mike Maroth

With Chris Carpenter and Mark Mulder both still at least a month away from rejoining the Cardinals starting rotation, the team had to do something. That something was send momentum-killer Kip Wells to the bullpen, recall winless Anthony Reyes from Triple-A, and, apparently, trade for a mediocre left-handed pitcher from the AL. We like the move. We'd have preferred the Cards sent Reyes and Chris Duncan to the Pirates for Ian Snell, but that wasn't ever going to happen.

Tigers starter Mike Maroth is the newest addition to the Cards' horrid pitching staff, and he fits right in. He's 5-2 in 13 starts this season, with a 5.06 ERA. Adjusted to the NL, we'll say his ERA will drop to about 4.00, and he'll get about that many runs a game to work with. So, in essence, the Cardinals have just acquired a .500 pitcher. They'll take it. Maroth's WHIP may be an ugly 1.66, but his five wins are nearly twice as many as Wells and Reyes have combined this season.

Maroth will never be anything more than a No. 3, but in the eight starts he made against NL teams from 2004-06 he's never given up more than five earned runs. That may not sound like an accomplishment, and it shouldn't. On this team, though, it's a breakthrough.

We like the trade. Viva El Birdos likes the trade, saying "he ain't a world-beater, but he can throw innings, and he ought to be able to survive against nl lineups." And the readers of the Tigers blog Bless You Boys aren't happy to see Maroth shipped out, a sure-fire sign the Cards are getting a good deal.

And now, because this is always fun, here's what the ESPN commenters are saying:

"I am upset that the Tigers are getting rid of this young great arm. This is a huge loss to the organization."
- Evan_Kaplan

"Tigers will not miss him. They have a surplus of young arms and once Kenny was called up there was a logjam. This is the best for Maroth and the tigs."
- dominiakd10

"The first stone has been cast in the race for the pennant. by the defending champs. desperation setting in for some teams."
- skonman

"Hancock and Kile are not returning."
- Thomar4

"Good move by the cards, they still have a great chance to win that lousy division."
- Chowdahead23

The calvary's coming to save the Deadbirds

Despite placing two key members - Jim Edmonds and Braden Looper - of their team on the DL recently, being six games below .500 and sporting the worst run differential in the worst division in baseball, things are looking up for the St. Louis Cardinals. Their bats are waking up (they've scored 33 runs in the last four games), Albert Pujols is once again playing at an MVP level (he's hitting .323 with seven home runs in the month of June), and - the best news of all - Chris Carpenter is throwing off the mound with no soreness.

Carpenter, who will throw a 50-pitch session today, met with the team doctor Monday, and the results couldn't have come back better for the Cards.

"I had zero (soreness)," he said. "I was pleasantly surprised." Carpenter expects to throw as many as 50 pitches today at what he called "75 percent." "I've felt stronger each day; the ball is coming out better," Carpenter said. "And there's no soreness."

We're tempering our expectations, of course. The Cards still trail Milwaukee by 7.5 games, Kip Wells is still on the roster, and - we hate to say it - the Cubs look to be reenergized (and trading Michael Barrett can only help). But as the guys at Viva El Birdos say, if the Cards can get to .500 before the all-star break, anything can happen.

We just hope Carpenter shaves that soul patch before he comes back. Between him, Spezio and Pujols, the entire Cardinal roster seems to have a facial hair identity crisis.

We own this division, bitches

Because it's Monday, we have a splitting headache (no, not from alcohol), and we spent most of the weekend inside an aquarium in Long Beach, we're still slowly getting up to speed with the world of sports. So far, in the two-plus hours we've been consuming online portals like the Silver Surfer does planets, we've discovered that Tiger Woods can't come from behind, the Mets are in a freefall, our fantasy baseball team lost Ian Snell to a grilling injury, Pacman Jones is still visiting strip clubs and (possibly) shooting people, and the Cubs and Cards remain deadlocked in second place in the NL Central.

Most of these issues have been tackled in great detail by other blogs, so we don't want to recycle. But we will disccues the most enjoyable blog we've read all day: Batting Cage Hero. Despite it's offputting layout (the picture needs to be centered, dude), BCH's post today on why the Cardinals will win the NL Central is well-written, reasoned, and Ankiel-ed (meaning littered with info about our future home run king).

Here are the highlights, and our thoughts:

1.) Pujols is back
- It was only a matter of time, right?

2.) The returns of Carpenter and Mulder
- One is an annual Cy Young contender, the other is an unknown. Neither is Kip Wells. This is good, this is very good.

3.) The return of Rick Ankiel
- That guy who melted down on the mound a few years back? Gone. In his place, a home run machine.

4.) Generally improved play
- Hey, they couldn't have possibly gotten any worse, could they?

5.) Withering competition
- The Brewers are the Brewers, the Cubs are the Cubs, and no one else has the tools to make a run. We should feel very good about our situation.

Kip Wells, here are your walking papers

It's time for Kip Wells to go. Now, other blogs and media outlets will say it more poetically, back it up with a rash of viable stats and numbers, or simply eviscerate the man with a barrage of anecdotes and similies we can't match. So what? We see it, you see it, we all see it: He can't pitch.

Last night, in 1.1 innings of work, Wells walked four batters, hit another, and threw a wild pitch. But there's more. He also gave up six - six! - earned runs, while posting a 50/50 ball-to-strikeout ratio. Obviously, Wells lost the game, dropping his record on the season to 2-11, with an ERA just under 7.00. We feel for Tony La Russa. He's had a rough year, possibly one of the most stressful any big-league manager in recent history has had to endure. But he has to yank Kip Wells from the ration, post-haste.

We're saying it.

Viva El Birdos is saying it.

The Post-Dispatch is saying it.

Even Rotoworld is saying it.

Bring Anthony Reyes back - now! Hell, if he can outpitch Yovani Gallardo in Triple-A, we don't see any reason he can't at least win a few games in the NL Central.