David Beckham vs. Al Pacino, round one

Where people think this shit up, we do not know.

Pam Oliver, doing the cockroach

Not only did Pam Oliver have to contend with permanently erect nipples all throughout last night's Colts/Cowboys game, she also had to deal with those practical jokers on the Dallas sideline. Apparently, they slipped a cockroach into the interview. Those scads! Kudos to her for still slipping in the contract question, though. As if Tony Romo were actually going to leave Dallas. He's the starting QB for the Dallas Cowboys! Where else is he going to go, Atlanta?

"I'm not a piece of meat - stimulate my brain!"

Maybe you're a Colts fan, and feeling down about the loss of a franchise left tackle. Maybe you're a Cardinals fan, and you're gradually coming to the realization this season isn't one for the ages. Or, in our case, you're both and need a reason to feel good about surfing the net for sports stories in the morning. This is that reason.

Apropos of boredom, we give you The Simpsons' riff on World of Warcraft

It's mid-July and things are at a standstill in the world of sports and entertainment. So, here you go:

The ESPY'S are all jacked up man!

Today in YouTube brilliance, we present to you intrepid reporter Lior, a sportscaster-in-training, emphasis on the training. We remember when we were little and we used to do this, although we taped movie reviews on the family video camera and were shocked and appalled when our parents unearthed them to show at holiday gatherings years later. This schmuck won't have that to fear, because he's already opened himself up to planet-wide taunting. Grapefruit balls, kid, grapefruits.

Interview we wish we'd scored: Cobra Commander

What a get! We don't know what else to say, really, other than we're insanely jealous. James K. Polk Award coming this man's way.

"No! Not the spores! I'm a citizen of Cobra-La. No! NOOOOOO! NOT THE SPORES!"

"Shaq is rich, the white man who signs his checks is wealthy"

While we disagree with Chris Rock slightly about Oprah not being wealthy, his premise is generally correct. And, well, he's funny as hell.



"One minute you're singing 'Superfreak' the next minute you're doing Old Navy commericals."

Meet me on the roof, you're goin' down

We found this clip at With Leather this morning and thought they made a nice point: Who the hell plays tennis on a rooftop? We've frequented many a rooftop pool, because, well, mainly because it involved submersion. Tennis on a rooftop? No way, no how, not ever.

Was Spike Lee wasted at the draft?

Yeah, we're pretty sure he was.

Couldn't we all use a little more Shannon Sharpe in our lives?

This isn't the funniest YouTube video we've seen - not even today - but it fills the void in hearts right now, the void that Shannon Sharpe normally occupies. Sharpe is a horrible broadcaster, but immensely entertaining because of his lack of coherence, insight, or regard for his coworkers. Our favorite Shannon Sharper quote, of course, is in reference to the Colts' defense after their week 14 meltdown in Jacksonville last year.

"There are enough boards and planks at Home Depot to fix what's wrong with that defense."

Perhaps Shannon should stick to golf tips?

Invasion America has landed (actually, it's been here for a while, we just now found it)

Yesterday was one of those days where you have a chance to ruminate on life's past events. Friends, family, forgotten WB miniseries, the usual. Invasion America, a 1998 animated sci-fi epic if there ever was one, popped into our heads yesterday and we have to share. It's set in the early '80s where a group of human-looking aliens from the planet Tyrus are trying to make contact with Earth. The ruler of Tyrus, the venerable Cale-Oosha, wants merely to initiate communication with our planet, but his brother, The Dragit, wants to invade.

An Israeli-Palestinian-type conflict between the two's camps erupts as a result and Cale-Oosha flees to Earth and goes into hiding. He marries an American woman and fathers a son. Fifteen years later, still on the run from Dragit, Cale-Oosha raeturns to Tyrus to gather what's left of his supporters. Meanwhile, Dragit has found Cale-Oosha's family, beginning an epic cat-and-mouse chase that sets the series in motion.

Sounds a bit dorky, doesn't it? Well, it is. But we're watching Invasion America anyway, because all sci-fi is a bit dorky when you break it down. If you're interested, here's the first segment of the first episode. The same user who posted this has posted several of the other episodes.

The worst music video you can imagine

We've officially dubbed this Lazy Video Post Day. If you have a problem with that, write your congressman. We'd do the same, but we've yet to register to vote in California (we don't want jury duty) and we're not sure who runs our district in the backwoods of Illinois. Anywho, don't ask us why, but this song popped into our heads a few minutes ago. Naturally, we rushed to YouTube.

Back in the day, when we were slaving as an usher in a movie theatre, this track used to play endlessly on the deplorable audio invention known as Movie Tunes. We hated it then, we hate now, and we want you to hate it as well.



We're not vindictive, but any song that gets away with "shooby-doo-wop and scooby snacks" has it coming.

Bill and Hillary, acting titans

Not sure if the rest of you've seen this yet (we hadn't, only heard about it), but it's a pretty brilliant political manuever. Hillary Clinton has all the screen presence of a mountain goat and we're a bit burnt out on all the Sopranos crap saturating the Net, yet it still captivates us. Don't expect any recourse from the republican juggernaut. Unless, of course, they can get Giuliani in drag or Mitt Romney officiating a gay wedding.

The best thing you'll see all day

For real. And no, we're not just being lazy with these YouTube posts. This really is the best thing you'll see all day. If you're a fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, that is.

If only they'd fight on the big screen

Seriously, who wouldn't want to see a Batman vs. Superman movie? Can you imagine Bryan Singer and Christopher Nolan co-writing and directing the superhero crossover to end all superhero crossovers? No, we're not talking about some Alien vs. Predator or Freddy vs. Jason slapdash effort to swindle filmgoers out of their cash. We're suggesting a dark, moody faceoff between two comic book titans. We'd see it in a second. Until then, this will have to do:

Why don't The Sopranos do it in the road?

Because around here it's all Sopranos, all the time in the few days we have left until the second-biggest finale of this season (no one's touching Lost), we bring you this "what if."

Honestly, we're not sure it works. The Beatles are untouchable, but The Sopranos' opening sequence is quite possibly the best ever produced. And, yes, Jersey really looks like that. But we used to live in Lower Montclair, on the Bloomfield border, so maybe we're just jealous.

Optimus Prime, you do own Bonecrusher

We really despise all things Michael Bay (except the first Bad Boys), but we'll be foogled if this here clip doesn't make us actually entertain the idea of paying to see Transformers. Really, what else are we going to do, see Knocked Up a third time? Actually...



Optimus Prime vs. Bonecrusher [YouTube]

If Michael Madsen doesn't scare you...what will?

You saw Kill Bill: Vols. I & II, right? That means you remember that creepy redneck bouncer Budd, who also doubled as a surprisingly resourceful hitman. He's the one who filled The Bride's chest full of rock salt and buried her alive. Have you seen Reservoir Dogs? Remember Mr. Blonde? The dude who cut that cop's ear off and covered him in gasoline, fully intent on setting him ablaze? That's the same guy who was the dad in Free Willy! We know, we know, who knew?

He's Michael Madsen, and dammit if he isn't one of the most threatening screen prescences of the past two decades. He creeps the shit out of us. But what's scariest about Michael Madsen? He may just be the only sane man left alive in this weirdo Hollywood society.

"I am kind of sick of the U.S. and I am kind of fed up with all that Hollywood bullshit and that celebrity witch hunt. Alec Balwin calling his daughter a little pig. And Paris Hilton is going to jail. And Mini-Me is in rehab. Anna Nicole drops dead in a hotel. What the fuck is going on? David Hasselhoff is all drunk, eating a cheeseburger."

Ballsy, Michael, ballsy. They just might run you out of town for that. We, however, applaud your honesty. Now get back to that whale you bastard!

Michael Madsen Q&A [Premiere]

She took your pants, ya know...

Typically, we spend our fist hour of the day doing a few things: giving the "fuck you eye" to the alarm clock, batting away the miniature schnauzer ass in front of our face, enjoying some stale nightstand Diet Ditto, and then savoring the unquestioned brilliance that is Frasier. This is the last few flickering seconds of Frasier we saw this morning before hitting the showers and it made our morning a lot more pleasurable than the morning after Memorial Day has any right to be.