We're not 16 anymore

Britney Spears, sex goddess of our youth, has gone from off the rails to crashing into the train station. Does it make you feel as old as it makes us? At any rate, here's the famous VMA meltdown video that's stale after less than 48 hours (watch it quick, it'll be gone soon).

We doubt this is true, but...

We've never heard of this blog, but then no one has ever heard of us, so...

Anyway, LA Rag would have us believe that Jessica Alba has herpes, which she contracted from - wait for it - Derek Jeter. Who also gave them to David Beckham. Just kidding on that one. Make of this what you will. We think someone's awfully jealous of all the male attention Ms. Alba commands and is trying to damage her pristine reputation as an attractive actress with little talent. For shame.

Who has bigger arms, Jeter or Becks?

Who cares who's the better athlete or who's accomplished more (both on the field and off), what we want to know is "who benches more, Jeter or Beckham?" Judging by this picture, taken during Beckham's recent visit to the Yankees locker room, it's a close race. Of course, Jeter has hit 20 homers in a season before and Beckham can't use his hands. We'll give the nod to the Yankee panty stripper.

Whew, things are cracking up...

See, this is what happens when your Internet goes down for a few days - the world goes and upends itself. What has changed in the three days we’ve been away? Well, Ingmar Bergman, Tom Snyder, Michelangelo Antonioni and – perhaps saddest of all – Bill Walsh have died, Mike Vick continues to prep himself for jail, and the Celtics have mortgaged their future to form a trio of aging superstars.

What do we think? The deaths, obviously, are tragic and our hearts go out to the families of the deceased, but the lives these men led were so rich and influential it’s hard to be too depressed when thinking about the joy and knowledge they brought to this world. Okay, cornball soliloquy over. As for Vick – he’s done. We’ll go on record now saying we don’t think he’ll play another down in the NFL and there’s a good chance he’ll do as much as 18 months in federal prison. Dirty Bird, indeed.

The Celtics? We don’t know what the hell they’re thinking, other than Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers are making a serious power play to save both their jobs and make Boston NBA-relevant again. They could have done this years ago by drafting well, forgoing idiotic trades and resigning, but we’ll take it. 2010 and beyond is going to be rough. We’re just sayin’.

In case you weren't aware...

Comic-Con is this weekend. Here's where you can find all the dirt. And in case you're thinking of popping in at the last minute, here's what you can expect to see:

If you ever see this woman behind the wheel...

...run the other way as fast as you can.

Celebrities is fuckin' up!

This isn't really a big news item, more of a casual observation. These are the top three stories on imdb's news feed today:

Chappelle Hospitalized for Exhaustion
- American funnyman Dave Chappelle checked into a hospital this past weekend for exhaustion. The Chappelle's Show comedian, 33, was rushed to the emergency room of an unnamed hospital, where he remained for 12 hours before returning home. Earlier reports suggested Chapelle had suffered a drug-related medical problem and had checked into rehab, which his spokesperson has denied.

Baldwin Films Drug Recovery for News Special
- Movie star Daniel Baldwin has opened up about his cocaine addiction in a series of confessional video diaries, taped for news special Primetime. The actor agreed to be filmed at various points during his rehab recovery at the Renaissance Malibu facility in California for the news show, which aired in America on Tuesday night.

Lohan Wearing Alcohol Ankle Bracelet
- Lindsay Lohan has a new fashion accessory - an ankle bracelet that monitors alcohol intake. The actress checked out of rehab this past weekend after addressing her alcohol-related issues, but she has chosen to prove she intends to stay away from booze by monitoring her drinking. Lohan will voluntarily wear the alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet for the foreseeable future, according to the actress' publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnik.

Now, we're not naive enough to think that we wouldn't also fall victim to the trappings of celebrity, but don't most of them seem to have some serious problems? Our most serious problem is trying to figure out if we should sell our old Xbox on Craigslist or just take the meager trade-in value from Gamestop. The best part of our trip to imdb today? After their three lead stories comes your regular David Beckham update.

The best lines of all time

Seeing that The Big Lead is doing a list of the best sports movies of all time today, we thought we'd throw out our list of the best lines of all time, movie and otherwise.

1.) "Love goes toward love like schoolboys from their books, but love from love, toward school with heavy looks."
Romeo and Juliet, William Shakespeare
Translation: School sucks, but you know what? I am Shakespeare, and I sure don't.

2.) "I'll never let go, Jack."
Titanic
Translation: Ha ha, hope you like the bottom of the ocean. By the way, thanks for the necklace.

3.) "Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep ... in a giant blender."
The Simpsons
Translation: I like stories.

4.) "God only knows what I'd be without you."
"God Only Knows," The Beach Boys
Translation: An atheist, that's what I'd be.

5. "Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole."
Garden State
Translation: Fuck your mother.

6.) Take nothing on its looks; take everything on evidence. There's no better rule."
Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
Translation: Barry Bonds' defense.

7.) "I was in the pool!"
Seinfeld
Translation: Shrinkage - the Achilles heel of men everywhere.

8.) "The answer is blowin' in the wind."
"Blowin in the Wind," Bob Dylan
Translation: You know what else is blowin' in the wind? AIDS, Forrest, AIDS.

9.) "Jump into my nightmare, the water's warm."
Jerry Maguire
Translation: Katie Holmes should've seen this one coming.

10.) "They send you here for life, and that's exactly what they take."
The Shawshank Redemption
Translation: Oops, I'm sorry, that's your asshole.

11.) "Good golly, I'm inspired. I'm going to put on a baseball cap."
Frasier
Translation: The rally cry of Ivy Leaguers everywhere.

12.) "I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls."
Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger
Translation: Love hits you in the face when you least expect it. Kind of like a drunken frat guy.


13.) "And you give yourself away."
With or Without You, U2
Translation: The portly girl's Friday Night anthem.

13.) "Rosebud."
Citizen Kane
Translation: F'n sleds.


14.) "That's it. I'm gonna die in gym class."
Freaks and Geeks
Translation: In 15 years I will be rich, and you will be an overweight alcoholic clinging to high school glory, so I can handle a wedgie, bitch.


15.) "I wanna get hurt."
Say Anything
Translation: So what if I'm a glutton for punishment. I don't see you having sex with Ione Skye.

O'Donnell/Hasselbeck - who you got?

We're not really sure what this whole Whale vs. Whacko thing is about actually, but something tells us it has to do with Bush.