Because you just can't have enough McLovin'

Seen Superbad yet? If not, start quietly coughing, built it to a hack, then break out the sneezing, then retreat to the bathroom and rub some hot water in your eyes. Head into your boss's office, say you're not feeling well and that you're going to head home to lie down. Instead, you're heading to a theater to watch arguably (seriously, it's neck-and-neck with Knocked Up) the summer's funniest comedy.

We've never seen a movie that made us so wistful over high school. It makes you realize just how much you took that time in your life for granted. Ah, to go back to the times when your biggest problems were not biting on the halfback pass and not using two hands to take off a bra. Now you have a job, a car payment, rent/mortgage, relationships that last more than three months...Basically, life's a bitch. Don't mind us, we're just throwing ourselves a casual pity party. Things could be worse, a girl could have danced with us and then left a bloodstain on our thigh. You have to see the movie to get that one.

So what are you waiting for? Go see this bitch. You'll thank us later.

We swear we're not lazy, we've actually been busy.

We apologize for the scarcity of posts recently, but we’ve been swamped at our real gig (and as much as we like this one, those Goggle AdSense dollars don’t pay the rent) and unable to blog beneath our boss’s nose. You understand, right? We’re sure the six of you still with us do. At any rate, to catch up we’re going all out with a hot ass August edition of Things We Know.

1.) The Colts should absolutely NOT sign Tank Johnson.
- Sure, Lovie Smith has talked him up to Tony Dungy and he’s a quality DT, but this is not the solution to the Colts defensive problems. He can’t even play for the first eight regular season games. By all means Bill Polian, take a long look at Gerard Warren and Warren Sapp, just keep away from Tank.

2.) Superbad is going to be the shit.
- We’ll be seeing it tonight or tomorrow, but some friends in the industry have seen test screenings and say it may be the best yet from Apatow and Co. “Better than Virgin?” we asked. “Yep, better than Virgin,” they responded. So there’s that.

3.) Michael Vick is headed for the concrete floor hotel.
- All indications point to a plea deal being struck sometime today. In other news, our Vick dog chew toy is on backorder and should be here by the season opener.

4.) You should NOT go see The Ten.
- We know it’s tempting, because Paul Rudd is in it, but you’ll thank us later.

5.) Monday Night Football is tolerable again.
- We’ve always had a soft spot for Ron Jaworski and his Ivy League-style breakdown of film, but we never imagined how wonderful he’d be in the Monday Night booth. He even makes Kornheiser funny again.

6.) If you’re not psyched for this weekend’s Cards/Cubs series, get fucked.
- Both teams are within 2 ½ games of first place in the NL Central, and they get it on four times at Wrigley. This is as good as baseball gets, people, even if it’s two mediocre teams from a shitty division.

7.) The new Madden is – pardon our cliché – the balls!
- We have yet to take the Xbox 360 plunge (though the price drop has us wavering), but we’ve been playing it at work all week and it’s great. Not late 90’s/early 00’s great, but as great as it gets with an exclusive NFL license.

8.) Did anyone else know that The Invasion comes out this weekend?
- Here’s another lesson kids: stop remaking classic films that were just fine to begin with.

9.) Mercifully, John From Cincinnati was killed in its sleep.
- We watched one episode and gave up. Others were more lenient, patient and forgiving, but what did they ultimately gain?

10.) David Beckham still doesn’t have our attention.
- Even though we live in Los Angeles (Santa Monica, really), we couldn’t care less. And, apparently, so could the rest of you.

Box office, why has thou forsaken us?

Over the past two weekends, The Simpsons Movie and The Bourne Ultimatum have ruled the box office with opening weekends of $70 million and $75 million, respectively. Some analysts are suggesting that Brett Ratner's Rush Hour 3 - also known as Turd in the Water - may approach those numbers this weekend.

Rant

If that happens, we may have to boycott the movies until October, when bona fide films again appear on theater screens. We hate Brett Ratner. We hate stupid movies. And we hate all things Rush Hour. That is all.

/Rant

What will The Borne Ultimatum gross this weekend?

We don't know about you, but we plan on being among the droves of moviegoers visting Matt Damon this weekend. But the question is, how many - and how big - will those droves be? Most box office analysts are forecasting about $60 million. That seems awfully large. Does Bourne have a larger built-in audience than The Simpsons? The animated comedy did $70 million-plus last weekend, though that far exceeded industry expectations. We'll go out on a limb and say Ultimatum does $58 million. Check back Monday for our thoughts on the film and our apology for the inaccuracy.

What is The Simpsons Movie going to do this weekend?

We think it's going to shock everyone and do $60-65 million. Entertainment Weekly says just a shade under $50 million. The Hollywood Reporter is talking more along the lines of a mid-30's opening. Can it do $60 million? We think it can. We'll surely be completely wrong, but that's how it goes.

All your eyes belong to Harry

We freely admit we've never watched more than a few minutes of any of the Harry Potter films. Never cracked any of the books. The wizardly wunderkind just doesn't do anything for us. We prefer the Extras version of Daniel Radcliffe, begging to have his johnny cap returned. The rest of you, obviously, are not of the same view. The fifth screen installment of the Potter saga debuted to a staggering $76.8 million this weekend, and that's after a $45 million Wednesday opening that ranks among the top single-day grosses in box-office history.

So, because we're so unenlightened where Potter is concerned, can any of you out there tell us what it is about these films that still has you rushing out to see them? We don't remember the same verve expressed over Rocky V. Is it the special effects? Is it Alan Rickman? The rags-to-riches tale of J.K. Rowling? We're just curious. We want to join in the fun, we just don't see the fun, therefore our quandry. Do tell, readers, do tell...

Your Live Free or Die Hard opening-day numbers

We'll admit it, we're a bit obsessed with this new Die Hard movie. As big fans of the first three installments, we want it to be good and we want it to do well - we just don't have faith in either. And Live Free or Die Hard doing just a shade over $9 million on its opening day doesn't exactly curb our fears. Sure, $9 million sounds like a lot for a Wednesday in late June, but it's only the 27th biggest Wednesday opening in history. It's sandwiched between Legally Blonde 2 and something called Cats & Dogs on the all-time chart. Neither of those films went on to gross $100 million domestically.

Uh oh. We're not sure what the production budget was on this Die Hard, but you can bet it's the most expensive of the series. That's not a good sign when you look back at the domestic box office vs. the money put into the first three.

Die Hard - $88 million on a $28 million production budget (keep in mind this is 1988).
Die Hard 2 - $117 million on a $70 million production budget.
Die Hard: With a Vengeance - $100 on a $90 million production budget.

As you can see, there's a pattern of diminishing return. This one looks poised to top out around $90 - 95 million. Like we said before, uh oh.

Might Live Free or Die Hard actually be good?

So, you have the PG-13 rating, the absence of Sam Jackson (the utimate McClane teammate), the director of Underworld overseeing the action - and did we mention the PG-13 rating? How can this latest Die Hard possibly be even passable, let alone recommendable? We refuse to believe this. But that's what the critics are saying. Damn them. We used to make our (destitute) living as a film reviewer, so we have more respect for their opinions than most, but we're still baffled.

Yet, here's the proof:

"Inevitable lapses in plausibility and an inflated two-hour, nine-minute running time aside, "Live Free or Die Hard" is a slick and efficient piece of action entertainment, fast moving with energetic stunt work and nice thriller moves."
- LA Times

"The latest "Die Hard" film, the first in a dozen years, is the best in the series, an invigorating return to the style of blockbuster that dominated summers back in the early 1990s."
- SF Chronicle

"There is something very satisfying in this digital age about an action film where CGI doesn't overwhelm, actors are in great physical shape and huge spaces are actual sets rather than virtual environments."
- H-Wood Reporter

"At a time when the action genre has come to be dominated by sleek, matte surfaces and set-'em-and-forget-'em computerized effects, Live Free or Die Hard seeks to remind viewers of the simple, nostalgic pleasures of watching stuff get blown up and bad guys get smoked."
- WA Post

"Gets the action job done and you better believe that Bruce is still the man."
- Rolling Stone

This all sounds pretty fucking insane to us, but LFODH's current Metacritic rating is a strong 71. That'll likely come down in the next few days as more reviews start to roll out, but for now color us completely flustered.

Who says musicals suck?

Our weekend wasn't terribly exciting, minus the part where we DIDN'T fall asleep on the beach, which is always nice. There's nothing like taking acid showers all week and watching your skin molt. We were lazy, so the highlights were few and far between. We liked Chris Young skewering the Red Sox Saturday night, Yovani Gallardo's continued emergence as a top-shelf ace, and this little Irish music film, Once, that totally blew us away Sunday afternoon. We're not usually much for musicals (we boycotted Dreamgirls), but Once is so simple, understated and elegant that we feel compelled to spread word.

It doesn't need our help; it's per-screen averages are amazing and it's a lock for a Golden Globe best comedy/musical nomination. But we loved it, perhaps more than any film we've seen this year not named Zodiac. Check it out, because it's not a sequel and there's no CGI. And isn't that reason enough?

Here's the trailer:

Evan Almighty, pelted for you, all of you read of it

We'll watch Steve Carell in just about anything. We love him on The Office and The 40 Year-Old Virgin is one of the greatest comedies of the last decade. We, in our past life as a movie reviewer, even once watched him as Officer Sherman in the excerable Sleepover.

But we won't be seeing Evan Almighty, even if it is Carell's first big-budget starring vehicle and the most expensive comedy ever made. Fist, it's rated PG. We can't remember the last time we left the theater after viewing a PG-rated movie and didn't want our money back. Second, why does the sequel to a so-so comedy have to be so friggin' expensive? Comedy is a low-budget art. Always has been, always will be. Lastly, why is Carell's character now a congressman? We hate sequels that are sequels in name only.

And we're not alone. Here's a small sampling of what the nation's critics are saying about the latest summer fuckplant dropped on our heads:

"You know what "Evan Almighty" needs? Jokes. That's what it doesn't have."
- Chicago Tribune

"If there is one thing this Old Testament comedy is, it's seriously devout. Also seriously unfunny."
- San Jose Mercury News

"As summer comedies go, Evan isn't heaven sent. It's just standard Hollywood fare, cleaned up for the Christian audience that Universal prays will show up."
- Orlando Sentinel

"Frank Capra, stop rolling in your grave. At least they cared enough to steal from the very best, as the new Steve Carell comedy labors mightily to re-create the sublime pleasures of Capra's humane and vivid populist rousers."
- Washington Post

"Although Wanda Sykes, as Evan's executive assistant, and Ed Helms, as (what else?) a preening yutz of a TV reporter, do what they can to keep the edges sharp, nothing can offset the picture's dutiful Sunday-school intentions or the generic qualities of the CG animals that follow Noah in twosies."
- Entertainment Weekly

You did this America, you did this

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer topped the box office over the weekend. No shock there. But what is shocking - mind-boggling, even - is that the superhero sequel made 57.7 million over the frame. For those of you who aren't box office stat nerds, that's more than the original Fantastic Four made in its opening weekend. This is important because it again signals that American moviegoers are the dumbest people on the planet. You feed us crap, we eat it. We say the crap tastes like, well, crap. You proceed to serve us crap again, and instead of saying, "This tastes like crap," we shovel even more crap in our mouths the second time.

We couldn't be more disgusted in you, America. We're sorry to start the day off on such a sour note, but like Tiger Woods's nipples, we woke up a little prickly this morning.

Good movies...we saw two of 'em!

So, did you see Pirates this weekend? No? Well, somebody did. A whole lot of somebodies. We're sorry, we thought about going, but that nearly 168-minute running time just scared us off. We all too painfully remember that double glute cramp at the end of the last sequel, thank you very much. Johnny Depp is funny as a pirate drag queen; we get it. What we don't get is how this weekend we managed to sit through five hours of film - with only a 10-minute intermission - and were enthralled in a way no Spider-Man, Shrek or Pirates installment has ever approached. We went to a double feature of The Conversation and Chinatown at what we like to call the "Donnie Darko theater." How was it? Mindblowingly fantastic, if you must know. We forgot that Gene Hackman and Jack Nicholson were both already balding so badly three decades ago. We're balding a bit right now, so that made us feel better, but what struck us so much about these two films (both of which we'd seen before) was the patience involved all around. Both unfold at a slow pace, with scenes that seem to come to life organically, rather than at the exact point the three-act structure demands.

Robert Towne's Chinatown script is often cited as the medium's greatest and every screenplay how-to book fawns all over it, but it's no bullshit. Towne's biting dialogue, slow character reveals, and devastating climax are unparalleled. And that other movie, The Conversation? One of Francis Ford Coppola's greatest achievements - and it was only the second-best film he made in 1974. The other? Something called The Godfather Part II. Just some things to keep in mind this weekend while you're choosing what to see. We suggest Knocked Up. Written and directed by Judd "Genius" Apatow (Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, The 40 Year-Old Virgin), it simply cannot fail.

Third 'Pirates' sacks Memorial Day record [Box Office Mojo]