We're not the only ones who hate you, Norv

These gentlemen do as well. And they're much funnier than us.

Hey Norv, you f*&*ing suck!

Last night, the New England Patriots throttled the San Diego Chargers, 38-14. It was one of the worst displays of coaching we've ever seen. The Chargers were beaten from the time the clock started? Why? Their coach is Norv Turner. The Patriots came out in a spread offense. The Chargers stayed in their base defense. The result? Tom Brady completes six out of seven passes and the Pats move down the field at will. Didn't see that coming.

Randy Moss? We know how to defend him. Give him a large cushion and no safety spy. That way he can work the underneath routes at will and when he does decide he'll go deep the over the top help will be late. Brilliant. Honestly, we didn't think the Chargers were going to win last night's game. But they had the talent to make it close. Very close. What happened was a shameful display of coaching. And why didn't they bring in Michael Turner earlier? It was obvious LT was having no success running between the tackles. Why not give them several doses of Turner steamroll, then a quick shot of Tomlinson corner speed? That makes too much sense, we suppose.

Of course, none of the "experts" are mentioning any of this. The Pats simply just must be unstoppable.

Len P says: "Don't make the Pats angry, they'll f*&k you in the ass!"

Peter King says: "Just let me take off my Brady jersey, I'll be right with you."

Michael Silver says: "Let's do a shot of Patron for Bill Belichick, he's a faultless genius."

There's more stuff out there if you feel like seeking it out and reading it, but we don't recommend it. The Week in Review still to come.

Bob Sanders will destroy all comers...

Lots to like - and lots to dislike - about the Colts peformance yesterday against the formerly lowly Tennessee Titans. It was definitely not a textbook display on either side of the ball, but the point is the Colts held on and won. Last year, we're not sure the Colts pull that game out. For those with short memories, that's the Colts first road win against and AFC South opponent since the 2005 season. Yeah, yesterday's win was big. Here are 10 things we took from it:

1.)Bob Sanders just may win Defensive Player of the Year.
- Surely, Jeff Fischer knew the Colts were going to employ Sanders as a fourth linebacker to stop a solid Titans ground game - especially after they rang up 280+ yards on a normally stingy Jacksonville run "D". If he did, he was powerless to stop Sanders. 11 tackles, three QB pressures and - get this - 2.5 sacks. No one will ever replace Peyton as our favorite Colt, but Sanders gains on him every game he suits up for.

2.)The Colts red zone offense shat the bed.
- Six trips DEEP into Titans territory, and the Colts only turned it into 22 points. They were several opportunities for the Colts offense to break this game open - and they never took advantage. We'll chock it up to early-season kinks, but we're not happy.

3.)The Colts NEED Rob Morris and Freddy Keiaho.
- Playing without two starting linebackers is never easy, but when you're playing on the road against a team known for running it, running it and running it, you're setting yourself up for a fall. But the Colts defense - namely Sanders - made up for the two weak links (Hagler and Boiman)who had trouble all game following the flow of the Titans delayed draw. We support Dungy for holding them out; don't call us unsympathetic for wanting them back in uniform by week four.

4.)Kelvin Hayden can't fall for double moves like that.
- He must see those every day in practice. He has to. Marvin Harrison is the king of the double move. He'll be seeing a lot more of those as the season progresses, and they'll be run by receivers who we've actually heard of.

5.)Joseph Addai's vision continues to improve.
- He barely average four yards per carry, but Addai turned several - 5, 6, maybe more - runs that could have gone for no gain into two-and-three yard lunges. Lost in the scope of the game, maybe, is how exemplary a cutback runner Addai has become.

6.)Our special teams are putrid - again.
- One blocked extra point, one missed chipped shot FG and one momentum-killing long kickoff return. The sad thing is, with these guys, that's a C+ week. Must. See. Improvement.

7.)Lendale White is still fat.
- He got his 60 yards or whatever it was, but he was gassed at the end. Don't bet on him being a second-half horse as the season rolls on.

8.)The Colts won a divisional road game.
- Don't overlook the importance of this. A so-so effort against a good team in a hostile environment resulted in a win. That's gratifying.

9.)Tony Ugoh isn't there yet as a pass blocker.
- Manning was hit more often - and harder - in this game than any we can remember since the Baltimore playoff game. Ugoh is a terrific run blocker, but very average when dealing with a straight-ahead bull rush. Kyle Van-"Don't feel like spelling it out" handed Ugoh his lunch several times Sunday. That can't happen.

10.)Sometimes, it's better to be lucky than good.
- The Colts didn't get all the breaks (illegal contact, anyone?), but they got them when they counted (dropped passes, mental miscues). That helps. It's not reliable, but we'll take it.

Sometimes, life just gives you a moment

And for Colts fans, this a good one. After listening to all the Patriots offseason hyperbole, the trumpeting of their defeat of the Jets and the "Tom Brady as God" Sports Illustrated cover, karma has smiled on the Colts. We take no joy in the misery of other teams, especially considering the Patriots have been the cause of so much of our misery, but we're going to enjoy this. Today, the Patriots took it on the chin. Sunday night - we can only hope - will bring more of the same.

Now everyone out there, try not to laugh too much. Remember: pride comes before the fall.

The Iron Man trailer is finally here!

Okay, we're kidding, this isn't the real Iron Man trailer. But this is. Enjoy.

Are the Patriots really cheaters?

All signs point to yes, but we just know this is going to devolved into Pats fans vs. Colts fans bitchfest soon rather than later. We hate that. We think the Pats should have to forfeit a couple draft picks, but anything other than that seems a bit steep for something that probably didn't help them out THAT much. Now, if the radio tapping aspect of this story is true, that's another matter entirely. But we're withholding our judgement until all the details surface, which should be in the next 48 hours. It'd be a shame if this casts a shadow over this season's Colts-Pats matchup, though. We want to beat them fair and square once again, proving which team is the NFL's best.

You have to be kidding us, Jack...

Jack Del Rio, king of the wood chopping and trying to eek out one more season at the helm of the Jaguars, is in dire straits. So dire, that he thinks this asshat - famous for "liquored up" interviews and shanked kicks - can cure what ails a franchise that can't even sell out its home games. One word Jack: NO.

We're not 16 anymore

Britney Spears, sex goddess of our youth, has gone from off the rails to crashing into the train station. Does it make you feel as old as it makes us? At any rate, here's the famous VMA meltdown video that's stale after less than 48 hours (watch it quick, it'll be gone soon).

We're praying for you, Kevin Everett

You've no doubt heard by now about Buffalo tight end Kevin Everett's severe spinal injury suffered in the Bills' game against the Broncos. Please keep him in your thoughts. We know we are.

The best team in the NFL is...

The Indianapolis Colts...barely. Hate to say it, but the Patriots were damn impressive over the weekend, and we never thought the Chargers had it in them to win a - excuse the phrase - dogfight. We'll be doing a full breakdown of the Colts-Titans game this (we were, how you say, on vacation all last week) week, along with following up on all the NFL subplots that have developed since the close of week one. As of right now, here are our top 10 power rankings.

1.) Indianapolis Colts
- They really couldn't have been more impressive.

2.) New England Patriots
- The Jets defense looks awful, but a shredding is a shredding.

3.) San Diego Chargers
- The Whales Vaginas found a way to win against a top-five defense. It's a new year, new team.

4.) Chicago Bears
- Rex wasn't as bad as he could've been, and that defense is still that defense. Losing Brown for the year is a huge blow, though.

5.) Cincinnati Bengals
- Too high? You might be right, but they downed the Ravens.

6.) Pittsburgh Steelers
- Big Ben: 12 completions, four touchdowns - against the Browns. Temper expectations.

7.) Seattle Seahawks
- They beat the Bucs, but Alexander looked like the Alexander of '05. Always a good thing.

8.) Baltimore Ravens
- If McNair's groin and Lewis' triceps are serious, the Ravens playoffs hopes take a serious dip.

9.) Carolina Panthers
- They swatted the Rams in St. Louis, which is worth mentioning, but not in great detail.

10.) New Orleans Saints
- We know, "It's just one loss!" But there were a lot of things that didn't go right in that one game. A LOT.

NFL Season Predictions

The NFL season starts tomorrow and we couldn't be more excited. Naturally, we think the Colts are going to defeat the Saints to kick things off (we'll say 31-16). We're taking the day off work just to make sure we're prepared to take it all in. That Super Bowl banner is sure going to look nice. Alright, enough with the bragging, here are our NFL regular season predictions.

AFC East

1.) New England Patriots (12-4)
- All those offseason acquisitions won't make them nearly the juggernaut people are predicting.

2.) New York Jets (8-8)
- Last year's cupcake schedule is gone, and this team has too many holes to pull off another double-digit campaign.

3.) Buffalo Bills (7-9)
- A team on the rise, but it's a slow rise.

4.) Miami Dolphins (6-10)
- This time, please don't take a kick returner with that top-10 pick.

AFC North

1.) Cincinnati Bengals (11-5)
- Palmer's healthy and this defense is going to force turnovers like the 2005 version, not last year's sad sack group.

2.) Baltimore Ravens (10-6)
- There's a reason only the Patriots and Colts win division titles consistently. First-place schedules aren't easy.

3.) Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6)
- Tomlin makes his presence felt in his first year.

4.) Cleveland Browns (4-12)
- Brady Quinn, welcome to the rest of your career.

AFC South

1.) Indianapolis Colts (13-3)
- We're homers and proud of it. But wait until you see this defense.

2.) Jacksonville Jaguars (9-7)
- Garrard. David Garrard. Learn it, love it.

3.) Tennessee Titans (7-9)
- Vince Young can only take a weaponless team so far.

4.) Houston Texans (6-10)
- Matt Schaub, welcome to the rest of your career.

AFC West

1.) San Diego Chargers (12-4)
- Week two showdown with Patriots is crucial for homefield.

2.) Denver Broncos (11-5)
- The best secondary in the NFL? Maybe.

3.) Kansas City Chiefs (6-10)
- It's Brodie time by week five.

4.) Oakland Raiders (5-11)
- Hey, they're more than doubling their win total, right?

AFC Playoffs

Wild Card Round
Bengals over Broncos
Patriots over Ravens

Divisional Round
Colts over Bengals
Chargers over Patriots

AFC Championship Game
Colts over Chargers


NFC East

1.) Dallas Cowboys (12-4)
- Romo goes to the Pro Bowl - again. Yeah, we hate it, too.

2.) Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)
- McNabb can start polishing that Comeback Player of the Year anytime now.

3.) Washington Redskins (7-9)
- All that money, all this failure.

4.) New York Giants (6-10)
- Eli will be great, but the defense will implode.

NFC North

1.) Chicago Bears (11-5)
- Stuck at 7-5, they go to Griese and reel off four straight to end the season.

2.) Green Bay Packers (9-7)
- Farve's reward for all that hard work? A first-round playoff exit. Could be worse.

3.) Minnesota Vikings (7-9)
- Purple Jesus wins Rookie of the Year, but the team still mostly sucks.

4.) Detroit Lions (5-11)
- Matt Millen, chopping time has finally come.

NFC South

1.) New Orleans Saints (11-5)
- They'll start the season 0-1, but then the schedule gets nice and managable.

2.) Carolina Panthers (7-9)
- Peppers wants Freeney money. He'll earn it this season, but it won't matter.

3.) Atlanta Falcons (7-9)
- Hey, seven wins should get Petrino Coach of the Year.

4.) Tampa Bay Bucs (5-11)
- Gruden's glow is finally gone. Hallelujah.

NFC West

1.) Seattle Seahawks (12-4)
- Shaun Alexander has something to prove and he's in the right division to do it.

2.) St. Louis Rams (8-8)
- Holt blows out his knee in week three and S-Jax faces eight-man fronts the rest of the way.

3.) San Francisco 49ers (7-9)
- That sleeper tag was fun while it lasted, wasn't it?

4.) Arizona Cardinals (6-10)
- Sometimes, it's just not your century.

NFC Playoffs

Wild Card Round
Bears over Broncos
Eagles over Saints

Divisional Round
Seahawks over Bears
Cowboys over Eagles

NFC Championship Game
Seahawks over Cowboys

Super Bowl XLII
Colts over Seahawks
- In the game everyone thought we'd be seeing two years ago, the Colts make up for lost time with a 42-17 drubbing that cements Manning's legacy as the greatest QB of his - or any- generation.

Colts/Lions Preseason Game Three Breakdown

Sorry for the tardiness with this post, but we've been plagued by an addiction to Madden '08 on the 360 we finally broke down and purchased this past weekend. Confession time: we've been using the Colts a lot, and it's tough to win with them against other real players. Addai doesn't have the strength to run up the middle and everyone uses outside contain defenses to negate the vaunted stretch play. Thus, we are forced to pass. And anyone who knows anything about the new Madden knows the new defensive playmaker option makes it near impossible to go an entire game without throwing a couple picks. Anyway, onto the game.

We sat down Saturday night after a long day of late-summer cleaning, Heineken Light in hand, ready to watch the Colts impress against a shitty NFC team (a shitty NFC team, mind you, we've maintained could reach .500 this season). Perhaps we set our goals a bit low. Let's just say we were more than satisfied with the outcome. Here's what we learned:

1.) Anthony Gonzalez - fumble and all - is going to be a big factor in the passing game
- We know, our receivers simply CAN'T fumble the ball, but we're willing to forgive that small transgression. Why? Because Gonzo drew a key pass interference penalty and made a sensational catch in traffic to set up the Colts final score of the first half.

2.) Peyton Manning may throw 40 TDs this season
- Everyone thinks 2004 was an aberration. Not so. This season, with Harrison, Wayne, Gonzalez, Clark and Addai all chipping in, Manning should clear the 40 mark easily.

3.) Freddy Keiaho, the biggest impact player no one knows about
- Colts Nation knows Keaiho, of course, but few outside that realm realize how special a player he has the potential to be. He's a playmaker, pure and simple.

4.) Calvin Johnson does not like to be hit, thank you very much
- For those of you who have yet to draft your fantasy team, be wary of the number two overall pick. He's a specimen, no doubt, but two or three strong hits from the Colts secondary left him with the Reche Caldwell look. He'll learn to take those hits, but not overnight.

5.) Joseph Addai should be good for 60+ catches in 2007
- Those 10 catches in the Super Bowl were not a fluke. Expect Addai to resemble LT circa 2003 this season. Yes, we realize what that means.

6.) Bob Sanders didn't make a tackle. So what?
- To be honest, we're glad he didn't have much contact. He got a taste of game speed and what to expect week one against New Orleans. That's just fine with us.

7.) Ryan Diem, we're watching you
- Yes, there were a few negatives in the Colts 37-10 blowout win. Diem, the veteran RT, whiffed badly on two blocks in the first half, resulting in a sack and a tackle for loss, respectively. We have a rookie starting on the left side, we can't have issues on the other side, too.

8.) Marlin Jackson continues to impress
- He's a Pro Bowler at the halfway point of our season on Madden. Wouldn't be a stretch to see it happen in real life this season. Yes, we mean that.

9.) Sep. 6 can't get here fast enough
- Nine days and counting. Does anyone else feel like it's taking forever?

10.) The Colts defense is not to be messed with
- Call us optimists, but we think this is going to be a top-15 unit by December. There's a rather large chip that resides a couple feet from the neck of the Colts defense, and the longer it stays there, the better.

The Titans just can't help themselves

Enjoy that slab of sloth you just signed. If he plays 10 games and/or makes more than 30 tackles consider yourselves lucky.

Your "no shit" moment of the day: Larry Johnson ends holdout

But why did he only sign a five-year extension? We hope the deal's worth a lot of money, because he's not getting another one. Not the way the Chiefs are running his ass into the ground. In other news, we can't wait to see how this plays out on Hard Knocks.

Now, let's travel back in time to before Johnson's sky began to cloud:

Colts/Bears preseason game two breakdown

Honestly, did anyone not involved in the advertising of this game really see it as a Super Bowl rematch? Doubtful. Though if you watched the first quarter, we wouldn't blame you if you thought you were watching a replay of it. The Colts defense harrassed Rex Grossman into turnover after turnover, the Colts offense moved the ball at will on the Bears defense, and a red zone Colts breakdown/Bears stiffening kept the game a lot closer than it had any right to be. Anyway, here are the 10 things we learned from last night's game:

1.) Rex Grossman is not an NFL-caliber starting QB
- We don't want to be mean, but Grossman simply doesn't have the composure or the mental capacity needed to be a quality player in this league. He has talent, no doubt, but his decision-making and inability to take care of the football more than cancels that out. The Bears may be stuck with him, though, and that sucks for them.

2.) Preseason games are meaningless, but Marlin Jackson may be a future star
- Not to slobber, but Jackson was sensational in the short amount of time he was on the field last night. Five tackles, an interception, and a physicality the Colts haven't had on the outside edge in some time. We're not saying he'll make the Pro Bowl, but we'd be shocked if he didn't have a breakout season.

3.) The Colts special teams are horrendous
- Other than the onside kick that did work, there wasn't much to take solace in last night. Two long, back-breaking runbacks and a fumbled return in a six-minute span lost the Colts this game. That just can't happen.

4.) Freddy Keiaho continues to impress
- Scouts and commentators use the term "high motor" way too frequently, but that's what Keiaho has. He stuffs the run at the line and his lateral movement has been a pleasant surprise. He'll lead this team in tackles by 20 or 30, easy.

5.) Dede Dorsey may not be ready for "real" NFL action
- He looked great late against the Bears third-stringers, but he couldn't even get back to the line of scrimmage against their starters. Not good.

6.) Tony Ugoh is continuing to improve, but is he doing it fast enough?
- The rookie left tackle is obviously an impressive run blocker, but his pass protection skills are still raw. He didn't allow a sack last night, which is good, but he was beaten several times. The skills are there, the question is how fast can he put everything together.

7.) The Colts are simply better than the Bears
- The Bears defense is great, it's just not in the same class as the Colts offense. And, all Grossman jokes aside, the Bears don't have the offensive weapons necessary to exploit the Colts defensive weaknesses.

8.) We have a Sorgi sighting!
- The Colts backup QB proved last night he can capably pick apart second-string defenses. Congratulations. Luckily, we shouldn't ever have to find out if he can do the same to first-team units.

9.) Ed Johnson may be able to replace Booger
- We've still only seen him play for a couple quarters, but last night he had good penetration and recovered a fumble. The jury's still out, though.

10.) Our Antoine Bethea mancrush is growing
- He's going to be a Pro Bowl safety very, very soon. We don't think it's a stretch to say that Sanders and Bethea could end up as the defense's version of Harrison and Wayne. Call us crazy if you like.

Is it Halo 3 day yet?

Please say it is.

Because you just can't have enough McLovin'

Seen Superbad yet? If not, start quietly coughing, built it to a hack, then break out the sneezing, then retreat to the bathroom and rub some hot water in your eyes. Head into your boss's office, say you're not feeling well and that you're going to head home to lie down. Instead, you're heading to a theater to watch arguably (seriously, it's neck-and-neck with Knocked Up) the summer's funniest comedy.

We've never seen a movie that made us so wistful over high school. It makes you realize just how much you took that time in your life for granted. Ah, to go back to the times when your biggest problems were not biting on the halfback pass and not using two hands to take off a bra. Now you have a job, a car payment, rent/mortgage, relationships that last more than three months...Basically, life's a bitch. Don't mind us, we're just throwing ourselves a casual pity party. Things could be worse, a girl could have danced with us and then left a bloodstain on our thigh. You have to see the movie to get that one.

So what are you waiting for? Go see this bitch. You'll thank us later.

Your mother warned you about trading for defensive tackles

There's no sense elaborating much on this little NFL tidbit: Broncos DT Gerard Warren was traded to the Raiders today for a ham sandwich (or an undisclosed draft pick, we're not sure). As Big Blue Shoe writes over at the estimable Stampede Blue, it's hard to understand why the Raiders would give up anything for a player who was going to be cut eventually, but that's why they're the Raiders. It's likely just a second-day pick, but when those second-day picks turn into the Antoine Betheas of the world, they're nice to have around.

For fallout purposes, this could mean Warren Sapp is on his way out in Oakland. We sure hope so; we'd love to have Sapp on this team. Sapp + Dungy = True Love. Or maybe just a top-15 defense. You make the call.

Obviously, he never copped a feel on Parcells

Sorry for the wealth of NFL information today, but we haven't posted in nearly a week and our excitement for the upcoming season knows no boundaries. Anyway, Baltimore defensive coordinator Rex Ryan, in his bid to become an NFL head coach has decided that the best way to do so is by dropping a few waist sizes. We might have suggested simply contacting the Bucs at the end of the season, but whatever. This story in the Baltimore Sun informs us that at one point Ryan was consuming 7,000 calories a day, or roughly three times our daily intake(we're 6'2, 185 pounds, for comparative purposes).

While it's true that grotesquely overweight coaches aren't the norm in the NFL, Ryan seems to have spent too much time watching Herman Edwards running wind sprints on HBO.

There's not too many fat guys that are coaches. I don't see how weight can make you a better coach," Ryan said. "But I guess if you're the face of the franchise, then that is important as well."

Let's see: Andy Reid, Mike Holmgren, Romeo Crennel, Wade Phillips...shit, he's right. When did this happen?

Vick...is done for

We're sick of Vick, but this tidbit from one of his former associates who entered his guilty plea this morning is as damning as it gets:

According to the statement of facts signed Friday, "Peace, (Quanis) Phillips and Vick executed approximately 8 dogs that did not perform well in 'testing' sessions at 1915 Moonlight Road by various methods, including hanging and drowning. All three participated in executing the dogs. Peace agrees and stipulates that these dogs all died as a result of the collective efforts of Peace, Phillips and Vick."

Yeah, we think it's safe to go ahead and not drat him for your fantasy team.