Sorry, folks, we're on vacation

Like Forrest Gump's father, we're taking a bit of a breather. Don't worry, though, dear readers - all three of you - we'll be back on Tuesday with more on A-Rod sticking it to his wife, the Bluejays, and sports in general. Oh, and the NBA Finals might be set by then. Yay for that.

I wanna go, but I'd really like to stay...

It's offical, Kobe's a giant tease. First, he says he wants out, then he talks to Phil Jackson and it appears all is right in Laker World once again. Only nothing's right in Laker World. They have three peak years of Kobe left and currently have no chance at contending anytime soon. I'm always amazed at how teams like the Lakers and Cowboys manage to make headlines at times when it seems like they shouldn't be anywhere on the media landscape. But Kobe fooled us all and it's really the NBA's fault for allowing its playoffs to end in such a slumbering fashion.

We need to go Rocky III on that ass...

Movies today, they're just too damn long. It used to be storytellers knew when to get in and get out. Take The Godfather, for example: It's an epic, in every sense of the word, and it simply cannot be told the way it must be told in less than three hours. In it you're dealing with the struggle for power and acceptance, self-discovery, betrayal, renewal, and any other theme you can find within the sprawl of this masterpiece. Don't get us started on the second one; our affection for that film runs even deeper.

Or Die Hard, paradigm of the action genre. It stretches just past the two-hour mark, but it never feels bloated and no trace of filler is discernible. You have your frame story - cop husband come to visit estranged wife in high-rise, terrorists intterupt - and just enough secondary plot to support, but nothing's there that feels tacked on. When you have an anti-hero as likable as John McLane, you don't need padding.

Speaking of likeable, has there been a screen character in the past decade more likable than Jack Sparrow? Yet Disney feels the need to corrupt our faith in that character by neutering him, while at the same time forcing him to fight dozens of spare parts for screen time. Not the way to reinvigorate a franchise, if you ask me. What you do is Rocky III it, so to speak.

Remember Rocky III, when Apollo Creed helped turn Rocky Balboa from a lumbering, stationary brawler into a swift, almost nimble fighter's fighter? That's what the film industry needs to do with its movie franchises. You make a celebrated - or at least successful - original, you don't follow it up a 140-minute-plus brain drain like Bad Boys II. No, you make your sequel a leaner, meaner, version of its predecessor. Think Borne Supremacy.

There are sequels who have proven this formula wrong, however, and the easiest examples to spot both lie within the same set of films. X2: X-Men United was one of the few sequels to actually improve upon the original by expanding its scope, deepening its core characters, while bringing in unknown quantities that added to the experience, rather than detract. X-Men: The Last Stand tried to replicate the success of X2 by following that same formula - only "this time with 30 percent less story!" The Ratner method proved big at the box office - for one weekend at least - but the critical and audience reception to his attempt at channeling Singer was tepid to say the least.

What's the moral of the story here, kids? Hell if we know. We just want to see sequels that don't suck. We know how to do it. You've got to go Rocky III on that ass. Do it.

Links, which we may or may not eat

Sports
Ichiro is way nuts. [Enjoy the enjoyment]
Tank Johnson eats like you imagine he would. [Foul Balls]
Female softball players breaking faces. We mean their own. [Why Don't We Get Drunk and Blog?]
They have Liddell's back - and his wallet. [Las Vegas Review-Journal]

Movies
Anchorman meets 300. Actually, it's pretty funny. [Lost Remote]
Seth Rogen, continuing his moment. [USA Today]
The 100 scariest movie scenes. The definitive list. [Retrocrush]
What's a "beta male," anyway? [Newsweek]

TV
Now you can watch My Boys at work. [TV Squad]
Hidden Palms - sucks. [YouTube]
TV Guide boats big Lost scoop. We remain confused. [TV Guide]
The View will go on, sans Rosie. [LA Times]

If Michael Madsen doesn't scare you...what will?

You saw Kill Bill: Vols. I & II, right? That means you remember that creepy redneck bouncer Budd, who also doubled as a surprisingly resourceful hitman. He's the one who filled The Bride's chest full of rock salt and buried her alive. Have you seen Reservoir Dogs? Remember Mr. Blonde? The dude who cut that cop's ear off and covered him in gasoline, fully intent on setting him ablaze? That's the same guy who was the dad in Free Willy! We know, we know, who knew?

He's Michael Madsen, and dammit if he isn't one of the most threatening screen prescences of the past two decades. He creeps the shit out of us. But what's scariest about Michael Madsen? He may just be the only sane man left alive in this weirdo Hollywood society.

"I am kind of sick of the U.S. and I am kind of fed up with all that Hollywood bullshit and that celebrity witch hunt. Alec Balwin calling his daughter a little pig. And Paris Hilton is going to jail. And Mini-Me is in rehab. Anna Nicole drops dead in a hotel. What the fuck is going on? David Hasselhoff is all drunk, eating a cheeseburger."

Ballsy, Michael, ballsy. They just might run you out of town for that. We, however, applaud your honesty. Now get back to that whale you bastard!

Michael Madsen Q&A [Premiere]

Kobe wants out, film at 11

Our ass. Kobe's not going anywhere. And you know why Kobe's not going anywhere? It's LA. Hollywood. We live there, so we like to think we have a handle on the place, if not our pocketbook. LA is about stars, something the Lakers have one of. Take Kobe away from the Lakers and you have a 25-win team whose most marketable player is a still-maturing center, the very same player that cost the Lake Show Jason Kidd earlier this year. Kobe can tell Stephen A. Smith that the Lakers lied to him about rebuilding. He can prattle on about how he "could've" signed with the Bulls or the Clippers. Shaq can even confirm that it wasn't Kobe's idea to trade the Big Fella (though does anyone honestly believe he didn't play some role?).

In the end, none of it matters. Kobe's staying put. He was never going to sign with the Clippers or the Bulls because A.) He's not playing in his former team's shadow, in the same building, in front of Billy Crystal instead of Jack Nicholson and B.) No one, no matter how great, is ever going to eclipse Michael Jordan. Kobe's fine in LA, and he knows it. He's pulling a Tom Brady, bitching about the front office in the media and calling their bluff. Granted, he's taking it a step further - Brady never asked to be traded - but the impact will be the same.

Expect a shakeup in the Lakers roster this offseason, just not one that involves Kobe.

Kobe fuming, demanding trade from Lakers [ESPN]

Shaq: "I believe Kobe 100 percent" [Real GM]

Michael Cera gets fired

Because you miss Arrested Development as much as we do - and because Knocked Up is going to be phenomenal - we present to you the perfect marriage of the two.

The joy of tabloids

Back when we used to work in Manhattan, the greatest joy on the subway was not the homeless people slumped over in the seats, taking in the smells of stockbrokers' armpits on our way home, nor the NPR podcasts playing in our pocket; it was the New York tabloids. The Post and Newsday, specifically. We miss them dearly. We don't miss the midtown heat in the dead of summer, but we do miss those tabloids. And on a day like today, what else can you do but thank the media heavens for photographers and strippers?

What's a Chuck Liddell...and other partying gone awry

We never really hopped on the UFC train in the first place, but apparently blogdom and other media outlets are suggesting that Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell's bludgeoning by the hands of Quinton "Rampage" Jackson could prove disastrous to the sport. All that buildup, all those magazine covers, all that money ESPN shelled out for a site that specializes in UFC coverage - could it all be for naught? Probably not. The few UFC fans we associate with say they were still, for the most part, entertained by last weekend's action. Apparently, the undercard was to die for. That's nice. We applaud them. But when you're UFC and you have a division killer like Chuck Liddell, whose gradual evolution into a brand name has closely followed yours, news like this can't be good?

That "junior doughboy" look Chuck was wearing at the fight? That wasn't just a slow metablism paunch. Maybe Liddell bought into his own hype. It happened to Tyson. Michael Moorer, too. But wasn't he fighting someone who had already beaten him once? If that's not incentive enough to hit the gym, we don't know what is.

Still, let's not bust Chuck's nuts too much. A little excess here and there is expected when you're at the zenith of your sport. A little takeout at an all-nude strip club in Toronto when you're married? That's far more interesting. At least when you're the marquee player for the most famous franchise in all of sports. What...you haven't heard about this yet? Pick up the NY Post before all the copies are gone. Trust us, it's worth a quarter.

Chuck Liddell spotted partying [Sports by Brooks]

NY Post links A-Rod, mystery woman [Fox Sports]

I'm Darth Vader, I never leave

Star Wars fans are crazy. We consider ourselves dutiful Stars Wars supporters/followers, but even we would never consider going to the trouble of giving Darth Vader a makeover. Personally, we think Darth Vader's look is classic - simple, streamlined, and deadly effective. Maybe Darth is the kind of villian who benefits from a "voiceover," but definitely not a makeover.

Just imagine Darth Vader telling you that "yo momma's going on a date" and then ponder how you would respond. Us? We'd be be all like, "Aight, but she best be home by midnight and she best not bring any o' dat dirty Wookie hair home wit her."


Darth Vader gets a makeover [Metroblogging Los Angeles]

Darth Vader gets a voiceover [YouTube]

She took your pants, ya know...

Typically, we spend our fist hour of the day doing a few things: giving the "fuck you eye" to the alarm clock, batting away the miniature schnauzer ass in front of our face, enjoying some stale nightstand Diet Ditto, and then savoring the unquestioned brilliance that is Frasier. This is the last few flickering seconds of Frasier we saw this morning before hitting the showers and it made our morning a lot more pleasurable than the morning after Memorial Day has any right to be.

Sports on pay tv, what's worth you $$$?

Time-Warner cable subscribers, we apologize, but this post does not apply to you. Rather, you need to figure out how the hell to get out of that contract. Go ahead. We'll wait.

Alright, now that you've got that taken care of we can begin our dissection of sports on pay television. We're not talking about the Super Bowl, the NBA playoffs, or the Indy 500, games and events you can watch with even the paltriest viewing package. We're talking about those more expensive - arguably more valuable - sports-on-TV experiences like March Madness, eight NFL games at once or De La Hoya-Mayweather. We've been DirecTV subscribers for almost 18 months now and, despite some hardware issues and technical difficulties, we can't quibble with their programming options. In that year-and-a-half we've seen more games, more moments, and more middleweight dancing than you can imagine. We've paid for all this and now we're here to tell you what's worth that half-hundo you used to spend at the pub and what's simply better when it's free.

MLB Extra Innings

What it is: DirecTV tried - and failed - to make this much-valued package available to only their subscribers, so even you TW backers can spend countless hours watching batters rub their crotches in between pitches. With Extra Innings, you get access to practically every MLB game being played, anywhere, even if the Marlins and Devil Rays are facing off in interleague play. Add the Super Fan option to this package and you can watch up to eight games at once, or the most interesting at-bats and plays of the games currently in-progress on the Strike Zone Channel.

How much: Four payments of $39.95. The Super Fan option is an extra four payments of $9.95.

Is it worth it?: Without a doubt. For our money, this is the best value of any sports package. You get up to 60 out-of-market games a week (except for Saturdays, when all games that start prior to 4 p.m. PST are strangely blacked out) and the Strike Zone Channel is essential for the hardcore fantasy player.

NFL Sunday Ticket

What it is: Available only to DirecTV subscribers, Sunday Ticket allows you to watch any NFL game you want - even the Lions - from any region in the country. That means you Colts fans living in Los Angeles (ahem) can watch the Colts-Texans at 10 a.m. while still in your underwear nursing that hangover from the night before. As with the MLB Super Fan, the Sunday Ticket's SF package allows you to watch eight games at once.

How much: Five payments of $39.95. The Super Fan option is an extra five payments of $9.95.

Is it worth it?: Do you like the NFL? How much? Do you live in an area where they show all your favorite team's games? These are all important questions to ask yourself. If you follow more than just your team - assuming you get all your teams' games on your local channels - and have some expendable income to play with, you need Sunday Ticket. If you live out of your team's market, you need Sunday Ticket. If you're a gambling addict who, literally, lives and dies with every score from every game, well, you need Sunday Ticket more than anybody.


ESPN Full Court

What it is: A rather obscure package offering up to 30 various college basketball games a week, plus select conference matchups.

How much: $110 for full-season pass, $75 for half-season pass, $14.95 for one-day pass

Is it worth it?: We're big followers of our alma amater (Southern Illinois University at Carbondale) on the college hardwood, so we shelled out for this last year hoping to be able to see a few more of their games. We got fucked. Not one extra game, and only a handful of barely watchable matchups in general. Unless you like watching Air Force games, stay away.

ESPN GamePlan

What it is: Think ESPN Full Court, then substitute football for basketball, and you only get to watch Thursdays and Saturdays.

How much: $100 for season pass, $14.95 for one-day pass

Is it worth it?: Are there not enough college football games already on TV for you? If you have to see your team's EVERY game there's a little device called a slingbox you should look into.

NHL Center Ice

What it is: Oh hell no.

MLS Direct Kick

What is is: See above.

UFC pay-per-view events

What it is: Only the most exciting one-on-one sporting competition there is! This is mixed martial arts, mofos, do you not see the technique, skill, and toughness on display? Surely, you heard all about that recent Liddell-Jackson slugfest that lasted into the wee hours of the night?

How much: $39.95 per event

Is it worth it?: We've only paid for one of these events (the Matt Hughes/Royce Gracie showdown last summer) and we were frustrated, flustered and felt UFC was full of shit. After last weekend's Liddell-Jackson debacle (we watched all two minutes of it on YouTube the next day, BTW), we will be avoiding this like subway passengers in trench coats in the future.

Boxing pay-per-view events

What it is: The sweet science, as in the dying relic that once rivaled MLB for the hearts and minds of America's most ardent sports fans.

How much: Variable, though the De La Hoya-Mayweather fight was $54.95 for standard definition, and another 10 bucks for hi-def

Is it worth it?: Considering HBO and Showtime reair these expensive "superfights" a mere week later and it's been years since the heavyweight division has been even remotely interesting, that's a hard no. A bricklayer's no.

As you may have gathered from this list, the quality of the sport you're paying for is, in general, relative to the quality of the viewing experience you receive. We refused to list NBA League Pass because anyone who pays to watch extra NBA regular season games is a sucker and we don't condone sucking. We also omitted the WWE, TNA and other forms of sports entertainment because we lined their promoters' pockets with our parents' hard-earned cash when we were younger. As for Nascar Hot Pass? If you really think being able to listen in to drivers' jargon-heavy headset conversations or watching them piss into whatever they piss into is going to make the race more exciting, you go right ahead.

Three days off and all we have are these lousy links

Sports
Chuck was fat and - guess what - it didn't help. [beRecruited SportsWrap]
Sure, Kobe's tradeable. [Pyle of List]
Are you the one stalking Allison Stokke? [California Daily Pilot]
We refuse to joke about that Pats' death. [USA Today]

Movies
Green Day joins in the Simpsons Movie fun. [Billboard.com]
Batman in Imax? Yeah, we'll see that. [411mania.com]
Grand Central, you're a star, baby. A celluloid star. [NY Times]
Another Nicholas Sparks adaptation? That's great! [Yahoo!]

TV
It's never too early to talk Fall TV. [NY Mag]
The Loop? Again? Really? [The Futon Critic]
My Boys is back in a month, you know, if like that sort of thing. [TBS.com]
NBC follows the McDonalds playbook, step by step. [TV Week]

Adrian Beltre, whatcha doin?

Now, maybe we're a little more intrigued by this than the average sports fan because Adrian Beltre is our fantasy baseball team's backup third baseman (behind Troy Glaus), but we couldn't help but notice that he - along with all the Mariners, frankly - has been destroying the ball lately. In his last four games, the (almost) former National League MVP is 11-for-17 with two home runs, four RBIs, and six runs scored. Those are some damn fine stats, no doubt, but they're even more impressive when you remember that we all thought Adrian Beltre died when he moved to Seattle three years ago.

He is alive. But this begs the question, "Where the hell did he go?" To the land of the fat and happy, that's where. Here's a comparison of Beltre in his last year with the Dodgers (2004), and what he did in his first two years in the Panowe (the loving nickname we've bestowed upon the region now that it's home to the two highest-profile NBA freshmen).

Beltre '04: .334 average, 48 home runs, 124 RBIs, 1.017 slugging %
Beltre '05 and '06: .262 average, 22 home runs, 88 RBIs, .750 slugging %

Yeegads, Ade! Look, we couldn't even get a single at the major league level and we're pretty sure we'd soil ourselves if a 98-mph fastball came anywhere near our face, but still...thems some suspicious numbers. Beltre's struggles in Seattle have been well documented - we feel lazy piling on this late - and the word "steroids" has been dropped a time or two in stories concerning him. But, because he's finally showing signs of snapping out of it, we have to ask: "Does he know anything about 'that stuff'?"

We're pretty sure $64 million could probably buy a good deal of it.

Marines sign Beltre for $64 million [ESPN.com]

That'll do, On the Lot, that'll do

Sorry, James Cromwell, we couldn't come up with a better headline so your memorable quote from Babe will have to do. We didn't watch On the Lot last night. We don't think we're going to again. Frankly, with Big Love, Rescue Me and the plethora of new shows HBO is shoving down our throats in the next few weeks we were probably going to dump it anyway. This is just proactive action. Sorry, Ratner. Sorry, Leia. Sorry, Garry Marshall and that guy who subbed for you last week and whoever likely stepped in for you last night while you were busy buying out the afternoon showing of Georgia Rule. It was all just...too tasking.

Good movies...we saw two of 'em!

So, did you see Pirates this weekend? No? Well, somebody did. A whole lot of somebodies. We're sorry, we thought about going, but that nearly 168-minute running time just scared us off. We all too painfully remember that double glute cramp at the end of the last sequel, thank you very much. Johnny Depp is funny as a pirate drag queen; we get it. What we don't get is how this weekend we managed to sit through five hours of film - with only a 10-minute intermission - and were enthralled in a way no Spider-Man, Shrek or Pirates installment has ever approached. We went to a double feature of The Conversation and Chinatown at what we like to call the "Donnie Darko theater." How was it? Mindblowingly fantastic, if you must know. We forgot that Gene Hackman and Jack Nicholson were both already balding so badly three decades ago. We're balding a bit right now, so that made us feel better, but what struck us so much about these two films (both of which we'd seen before) was the patience involved all around. Both unfold at a slow pace, with scenes that seem to come to life organically, rather than at the exact point the three-act structure demands.

Robert Towne's Chinatown script is often cited as the medium's greatest and every screenplay how-to book fawns all over it, but it's no bullshit. Towne's biting dialogue, slow character reveals, and devastating climax are unparalleled. And that other movie, The Conversation? One of Francis Ford Coppola's greatest achievements - and it was only the second-best film he made in 1974. The other? Something called The Godfather Part II. Just some things to keep in mind this weekend while you're choosing what to see. We suggest Knocked Up. Written and directed by Judd "Genius" Apatow (Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, The 40 Year-Old Virgin), it simply cannot fail.

Third 'Pirates' sacks Memorial Day record [Box Office Mojo]

Settle down Mormons, Big Love'll be back soon

The Spurs lead the Jazz 3-1 heading back to San Antonio, who saw that coming? In defense of the Jazz though, we've heard they're playing pretty well and that Deron Williams is a star. At least that's what ESPN keeps saying. We thought he was pretty good already, but apparently he's a star for sure after this series. You know who else is star? That Tim Duncan. He's so dreamy, with his soon-to-be four rings. That's more than Larry Bird has, does anyone else realize this? We're sure the Sports Guy does. He probably hates it, considering the Celts had a chance to draft Duncan and all. He might have to retreat into his man cave with friends J-Bug and Philantropan for the NBA Finals, just so no one sees him weeping. We don't blame him. If the Colts had ended up with Ryan Leaf instead and we had to watch the Chargers raise the Super Bowl trophy last January we'd have been beside ourselves. Wait...we wonder how Chargers fans felt about that? Ouch.

Suckling at the Power Teat [The Big Lead]

One basketball nation, under Duncan [The Sports Guy]

The UFC has arrived - or at least in the media's eyes

We've watched UFC a few times and weren't too surprised to find that we don't quite get what all the fuss is about. Maybe it's because it costs $40 for each event and there's a pretty good chance that "big fight" you're paying for will last all of two minutes. Admittedly, the beginning of UFC was pretty great. Royce Gracie, Ken Shamrock, Dan Severn, those guys beat the crap out of each other and were incredibly watchable. These new guys - Chuck Lidell, Tito Ortiz, Matt Hughes, whoever the other main guys are - don't really compel us to shell out the same amount we pay each month for Extra Innings and its endless list of MLB games. Apparently, we've become old-school sports fans without even realizing it. We may have to rethink our policy, though, before the current UFC media blitz is through with us. Already this month, UFC has graced the cover of ESPN The Magazine, Sports Illustrated and the New York Times' sports section. Nothing to scoff at. And ESPN just bought out a mixed martial arts Web site and fused it with its own, surely a nod to the explosion of the once-obscure sport and its massive popularity among the coveted 18-49 male audience.

So, what do we make of all this? Mixed martial arts is here to stay. At least for now.


From the Edge of Madness to Fighting's Mainstream [NY Times]

ESPN launches Sherdog.com. [ESPN.com]

Links, free of all Zelda references

Sports
Did LeBron really get fouled? [AOL Fanhouse]
Cheer up A-Rod, not everyone loves Jeter, either. [Fire Joe Morgan]
Len P., on the quick rise and sudden fall of the two-back system. [ESPN.com]
Has the Indy 500 lost its mojo? [Rumors and Rants]

Movies
Which Springfield will host The Simpsons Move premiere? [LA Times]
The new Pirates sucks (with spoilers!). [The Hot Button]
Just how nuts was Anakin Skywalker? [Wired.com]
Ocean's 13...good? [Variety]

TV
So, when are they killing Studio 60, again? [Popwatch]
Arrested Development lives on...sorta. [The Futon Critic]
Kitchen Confidential DVDs, get 'em while they're free! [The TV Squad]
Stone Phillips is heading out the door. [NY Times]

We thought this was supposed to be a good week for Pirates?

Normally, we'd be ecstatic that the Pirates were swept by the Cardinals. Especially now, with the once-dead Redbirds slowly showing signs of life in the putrid NL Central. But, we confess we didn't like how they won their last two games. First, they hit homer after homer after homer off Ian Snell. Then, the next day, they knocked around Tom Gorzelanny and then knocked him out of the game by lining a ball off his finger. Why the attachment to Snell and Gorzy? They're both on our fantasy baseball team, of course. Little more than a month ago the Cards swept the Pirates, but did so by putting up one and two runs on the young Buc aces and swinging at every high fastball and ducking changeup in sight. Not so this time.

Snell was pasted by the Cards. Three home runs in less than five innings. He deserved his loss. Maybe his fast start was just a mirage. We hope not, because we've mortgaged our fantasy season on his falling fastball. As for Gorzy, he was just unlucky. Nearly ever ball hit past the infield fell in for a hit. Then he got nailed on the pitching hand. Sure, we're happy about the Cardinal wins, but we're awfully worried about our fantasy pitching staff. Sheets, Harang, C. Young, Shields, Snell and Gorzy looks good on paper, but that paper's been mighty crinkly lately.

Cards sweep Pirates [STL Post-Dispatch]

On the Lot...take two

We confess, we watched it again. We thought the odd 35-minute running time would work in its favor. It didn't. On the Lot still sucks. But it sucks in an oddly compelling way. We loved that Garry Marshall was so disgusted by the first day of the competition that he ducked out before day two. In his place, they dug up the guy who directed Fried Green Tomatoes. Don't worry, he replicated Marshall's smugness nicely.

This episode was more a continuation of the premiere than its own separate installment. Basically, they trimmed more fat from their inexplicable roster of 50 contestants. They're down to 24 now, with the fat bully, the annoying emo girl and some guys who couldn't produce a cohesive narrative exiting the stage. Some of the short films - made in 24 hours - were actually pretty impressive. Especially the one where the special effects seemed to freeze all the elements in the frame except the principal actors. We don't remember the names of any of these films, nor the names of any of the contestants, namely because this show is the biggest clusterfuck in the history of reality television. There's so much going on and so little backstory, character development, or anything interesting outside the actual process of filmmaking.

In short, to watch this show you have to be a movie nut who finds the process of writing, shooting, and cutting films thrilling. There aren't many people like that out there, as evidenced by the first episode's dismal ratings. Fox is airing another installment on Monday. That's three in six days. We don't know about you, but we're not sure any show that's not a soap opera should have that many new episodes in that short a period of time. But like we should talk, when we can't even finish that spec script.

They're making ANOTHER He-Man movie? We call B.S.

No friggin' way. This cannot be true. Don't get us wrong, we loved the animated series He-Man when we were little, just like you. But why does he need to be resurrected in live-action form? You guys all saw that 1987 bomb Masters of the Universe, right? That memorable piece of trash starred Dolph Lundgren as the titular hero and Frank Langella as his fleshily-challenged nemesis, Skeletor. It also featured one of the greatest exchanges in 1980s cinema history.

"I'll never kneel to you!"
"Yes, you will. Yes you will!"

He-Man was a great concept - for the 80s. Does it really work today? We suppose the success of the upcoming Transformers will be somewhat of a barometer for how much interest today's viewing public has in pop culture touchstones that hit their popularity apex a quarter-century ago. Of course, that particular film has "Michael Bay" splashed large above the title. This one is being produced by Joel Silver. Speaking of unearthing old relics...

He-Man returns to big screen [Variety]

I'm okay, she's okay...but we're still getting a divorce

We know how most sports blogs out there in the ether of the Net feel about ESPN radio personality Colin Cowherd. The nickname Shrutebag usually doesn't mean warm and fuzzy things. But we'll go ahead and admit it, we're a fan. We think he's insensitive, takes things too far, and has a general hatred for sports bloggers that shines through spectacularly. And we still like him. Why? He speaks his mind, doesn't seem to be in ESPN's back pocket entirely, and refuses to acknowledge the NHL's existence. He also openly admits how unwatchable the NBA has become in the post-Jordan era.

Yesterday, though, Cowherd shared a moment of honesty and sadness that, well, it humbled us a bit. We sometimes tend to forget that ESPN employees and other sports personalities are human, just like the rest of us. Cowherd announced on air that he and his wife of 11 years, Kim, are divorcing. This pains us because, from what we gathered in the 18 months we've been listening to his show, Cowherd's marriage was one of the good ones. He joked about her, he talked about how great she was, and it didn't take a giant leap of faith to assume they were on good terms. They weren't.

It's also hard to hear because he has two children, both of whom are under five years of age. We know how hard divorce can be on kids (we lived it through it), but we can't fathom how much it sucks to have it play out in the public eye. That, and it's difficult to imagine Cowherd's wife sticking around in Bristol just to collect alimony. Cowherd is likely a long-distance-dad in waiting, and there's no joy in that for anybody. We feel for you Colin. But we hope this doesn't mean you'll stop hanging up on Penn State fans.

Shrutebag's sincere apology [The Big Lead]

This hurts us more than it hurts you, Colin [Deadspin]

No thanks, the first two will suffice.

They say all good things come in threes. Whoever they are can sit on a rusty gargoyle. Maybe that's a bit harsh, but that old adage certainly doesn't apply to the cinema.

Already this summer we've had to A.) See our hopes for a fine capper to the Spider-Man trilogy bludgeoned by an overstuffed script. B.) Let the very image of those Shrek babies on Happy Meals force us to boycott McDonalds. C) Watch as all six movie theaters within a five-block radius of our apartment are swarmed with patch-eyed maniacs.

Hollywood's always had sequelitis, but this summer it's worse than ever. Spider-Man 3, Shrek the Third and Pirates of the Caribbean: Does it Really Matter What's Behind the Colon? are bad enough, but soon we will also be subjected to a PG-13 Die Hard. How the hell do you even make a PG-13 Die Hard? Oy.

These movies already have, or soon will, rule the box office. But that doesn't mean they don't blow. Hell, even the third Matrix movie made $150 million domestic. Shows how much the American viewing public knows. Anyone with even a modicum of movie knowledge is aware that the third film in a series is always - with few exceptions - a toilet stain. Don't believe us?

The Matrix Revolutions
- Picks up right where Reloaded left off, in the "What the fuck were the Wachowskis thinking?" bin. By the time the last half hour rolls around you're just hoping for a quick death.

Superman III
- Richard Prior, computer guru.

Godfather III
- Joe Mantegna openly mocks both the film and his performance on The Simpsons - with good reason.

Look Who's Talking Now
- Moving on.

Mad Max Beyond Thuderdome
- "We don't need another hero...we just have to find a way home..."

Major League III: Back to the Minors
- Only Bull Durham can make minor league baseball funny.

The Bad News Bears Go to Japan
- Don't they know Dice-K's already in America?

Beverly Hills Cop 3
- Was this the beginning of the end for Eddie Murphy?

Red Sonja
- Future love interest of Flava Flav swings sword, Ah-nuld makes cameo.

Robocop 3
- Attention Die Hard fans, this is what happens when your blood and profanity-soaked franchise goes PG-13.

Scream 3
- At least it had McDreamy.

Okay, okay, so we didn't pick the most obvious entries, but there's still a visible pattern. Spider-Man 3 and Shrek the Third could definitely be added to the canon and the second Pirates already sucked so there's no point in mentioning the current sequel. However, there are a few who have bucked the trend.

Die Hard With a Vengeance
- Bruce Willis and Sam Jackson careening though Manhattan. Brilliant.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
- We still like the second one best (we like the tree people!), but it's still genius filmmaking.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
- All three are comparable, really.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
- The ultimate end to the "Man with No Name" oeuvre.

If I say you're no good, it means you're no good!

Over at ESPN.com, Jayson Stark has a nice little self-aggrandizing column where he lists his picks for the 10 most overrated MLB players - while plugging his book about the same subject, of course. It's not an uninformed list, by any means, and we're thrilled to find zero Cardinals (current, anyway) on it. Yet Stark doesn't appear to have done much research or homework to arrive at his conclusions. The whole list reads like a giant case of "No shit." Anyway, here are his picks:

1. Barry Zito
- Couldn't agree more. He thought moving to the NL would turn him into Clemens (Astros version). Wrong.
2. J.D. Drew
- We root for the Cardinals, thus we are all too aware of the unfulfilled potential that lies here.
3. Andruw Jones
- He's on our fantasy team - and he's killing us. He'll still end up with 40 homers, but he'll strike out 150+ times doing it.
4. Juan Pierre
- He steals bases. Yippy skippy. Fuck him.
5. Bobby Abreu
- Remember when he had power? Stop living in the past.
6. Brian Giles
- He plays in Petco Park, cut him some slack.
7. Alfonso Soriano
- Oh yeah, the Cubs definitely got swindled on this one. He's good, but not that good.
8. Richie Sexon
- We didn't realize he made so much damn money. By all rights, he should be top-three on this list - easy.
9. Bob Wickman
- Rafael Soriano is a far better option and the Braves are holding him back because of this fat ass. Boggling.
10. Jeff Suppan
- We love Soops. He helped us win a World Series. He's a perfect NL number three starter. We never claimed he was anything more. If the Brewers weren't paying him so much he wouldn't be anywhere near this list. But they are, so he is.

Links for you, tomorrow for me

We've been prowling Lost message boards all morning so we haven't crawled across the Net as much as usual, but we did find a few things worth mentioning.

Sports

Elijah Dukes, going the Rae Carruth route. [St. Petersburg Times]
Josh Hancock's dad is blaming the bar. Not sure that's the best idea. [USA Today]
Hair-free armpits, Batman! The Cards swept somebody! [STL Post-Dispatch]
USA Basketball: talented as can be, but we'll still fuck it up. [Hoops World]

Movies

Francis Ford Coppola talks regrets. We suggest Godfather III. [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]
Someone's pretty excited about The Golden Compass. [London Telegraph]
P.T. Anderson isn't making Saw 4, but it sure sounds like he is. [Cinematical]
Friedkin's Bug, better than you'd think. [Movie City Indie]

TV

Because nobody does Lost like Doc Jensen. [EW]
Wait a sec, one of the Olsens...on Weeds? [Hollywood Reporter]
If you watch 24 and want to bitch about it, please raise your hand. [TV Squad]
Don't feel too bad for Charlie, he went out the way he wanted. [TV Guide]

O'Donnell/Hasselbeck - who you got?

We're not really sure what this whole Whale vs. Whacko thing is about actually, but something tells us it has to do with Bush.

Carl Pavano, we hardly saw ya

That was totally worth it, wasn't it George? Four years, $40 million...and 19 starts and a 5-7 record. The Carl Pavano era in the Bronx was many things - humorous, sad, regrettable - but it definitely wasn't cheap. Now it's over. What is there to say, really? He's due up for Tommy John surgery any day now, meaning he won't pitch any more this year and probably not next year. That means the Yankees are probably going to cut ties with his gimp ass. Brian Cashman isn't quite ready to say the club is cutting him a check and sending him a cardboard box with his stuff in it, but...

"We're looking at the realistic possibility that he won't pitch for us anymore."

Even an ace with little-to-no histoy of elbow issues would be hard-pressed to make a strong return from Tommy John sugergy by the second half of the 2008 season. Pavano not only has a history of elbow issues, but shoulder, back and rib issues, too. Not so good, Carl, not so good.

Pavano opts for surgery, Yankee career likely over [ESPN.com]

The game changes. Seven-month wait begins.

Wow. That was intense. Um...where to begin. We got the death we've been clamoring for, though only one of the Losties bought it. We saw a more trustworthy, heroic Jack, but he was clearly not the Jack of old. We even got a glimpse into the (possible) future, and it ain't pretty my friends. That whole spiel about this episode being a "game changer" proved to be pretty truthful, after all. As with all Lost finales, this one answered a lot of questions - only to set up even more. Here's what we learned:

1. Locke is alive, and man does he not want to leave the island.
2. Charlie is dead, and he went out in a particularly affecting fashion.
3. Most of the Others' "muscle" is now dead, thanks to a combo of Jack's dynamite plan and Hurley's VW Busmanship.
4. That boat parked 80 miles off the Island's shore isn't Penny's boat, and we have no idea who Naomi is.
5. Was, who Naomi was. Locke, that crafty old cogger, literally knifed her in the back.
6. That guy with the eye patch cannot be killed.

Now, here's what we don't know - yet:

1. Was that final scene a "flash forward," as the anagram on the outside of the funeral home would have us believe?
2. So, Kate and Jack DO get off the Island, but Jack becomes an alcoholic, pill-popping psycho.
3. Who the hell was in that coffin? Screen captures floating about the Net lead us to believe it is a man from New York, but who could that be?
4. Are these "flash forwards" going to take the place of flashbacks in future seasons?
5. Is Ben telling the truth about Naomi and the boat? Or is he full of shit?
6. Where's Locke going now? Something tells me Sawyer, Sayid and the gang won't want to cuddle.

And these are just the beginning. Folks, that was an incredible finale that blew the doors off the Lost universe. Now, we wait. And wait. Seven months is a looooooong time. Rest your TiVos.

Sicko is coming

Well, the trailer for Sicko, Michael Moore's new health care doc is finally up. Moore's been playing it pretty close to the vest up until now, but this two-minute clip lets us know that Sicko is in the same vein as Roger & Me, Bowling for Columbine, and Fahrenheit 9/11. As usual, make sure you know how you lean before entering the theater.

Sicko trailer [AOL Movies]

Don't call it a contract (year), cuz I'm not hacking it!

Indulge us on this one. You're a major league baseball player. You're entering your contract year. You're looking at several scenarios, where you can:

A. Sign an extension with your current team, because you actually like playing there, they pay you a decent wage, and honestly, what's an extra $15 million on a seven-year, nine-digit deal, anyway?
We'll call this the, "What Carlos Zambrano should have done" option.

B. Play out the season, risk having a subpar year - and you do - and instead of getting that five-year, $90 million extension you thought your current team would offer, you end up signing a three-year, $35 million free-agent deal with the Padres.
We'll call this the, "Andruw Jones, this is your life" option.

C. Play out the season, risk having a subpar year - but you don't - and you get that five-year, $90 million extension you thought your current team would offer because you had the same type of year you always do, you consistent shit.
We'll call this the, "Ichiro-Son, you must stay Seattle, we now have Kevin Durant!" option.

D. Get a whole bunch of HGH. Take it. See your numbers mushroom along with your biceps. Instead of sitting on your couch waiting for your agent to tell you there aren't any bites, you ink a five-year, $50 million deal with the Angels.
We'll call this the, "Gary Matthews Jr. just outsmarted the room" option.

So, with that in mind, who's pulling a Giambi? We're a few years out of the game, but what the hell. "Pass the needle upon the left and slide!"

Ten sluggers playing for a new contract [SI.com]

Jason Giambi muscles up [Yankees Suck]

Ben Sheets, why do you taunt us so?

Look, we never said we were fantasy baseball experts - or dorks, don't you dare call us dorks! - but we like to think we typically field a decent team. Last year, we finished fifth in our league. The year before that we'd rather not discuss. We're currently in second, but not looking up at the butt munch in first by much. But year in and year out, the one constant about our team is the "ace that never truly is," Ben Sheets. The barrel-stomached Brewer is what the Sports Guy likes to refer to as a "tantalyzer". Sheets has remarkable stuff, you just never know if he's going to bring it with him to the mound. It's not his fault, of course. He's suffered from a myriad of injuries in seasons past. So far we've seen bulging discs in his back in 2003, inner-ear infections that threw off his balance in 2005, shoulder tendonitis that robbed him of his control last year, and a mild groin strain earlier this season that, thankfully, only resulted in a condensed start. He's no Jr. Griffey, mind you, but his body gets around to falling apart a decent amount.

Then, last night, just when it looked like the Sheets of old was beginning to emerge (he was pitching into the seventh with five K's, after striking out eight in his last start), he started...sucking his finger. Fuck. Now that burly bastard has a blister on his pitching hand and we all know how quickly those can heal. The tantalyzer, at it again.

Once again, finger points Beckett out [Baltimore Sun]

They're chocked full of...linky goodness

Here are a few of the links stinging our synapses today:

Sports
But really, when was Baseball Tonight good TV? [The DiaTribe]
Dallas got the Super Bowl. Fuck them anyways. [Girls Gone Sports]
Dodger fans really don't have much to watch, do they? [Lion in Oil]
Roger Mayweather says "Fuck you!" [Sports by Brooks]

Movies

Sarah Polley. Remember how great Go was? [Lunch with David]
So it was the writers that screwed up Ocean's 12! [Premiere]
The Golden Compass trailer. Not bad, but wish it was better. [Yahoo! Movies]
Seth Rogen, Apatow has taught you well, my son. [Time]

TV

We haven't watched Heroes yet...and after reading this we probably won't. [Greg Beeman]
If you're in L.A. this weekend, get the hell outta town. [Gencon]
The Studio 60 set is gone. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]
Check out the new fall pilots. [TV Week]

Jabba the Ratner is back in your living room

You thought he was going away after that little cameo on Entourage this week, didn't you? We wish he would've too, if it's any consolation. But Brett Ratner, he of the Rush Hour-dotted CV, has made the jump from pay-for-cable to network TV (even if it is Fox). On the Lot, Fox's new summer reality show/train wreck debuted last night, and we couldn't be more thrilled about their judge selections. There's Gary "Georgia Rule" Marshall, Carrie "I wrote Postcards from the Edge, dammit!" Fisher, and Brett "I'll sleep with your teenager daughter AND ruin your franchise" Ratner. With a triumvirate like that, who wouldn't be nervous? That's what, a Saturn Award winner, a Sitges nominee and guy who was involved in The Other Sister all looking down on you? Knees, proceed to shake.

Surprisingly, this directing competition is rather cutthroat, if you consider actually finishing a two-minute pitch without freezing or admitting you've been up all night doing bl-, er, fleshing out a concept, cutthroat. There were tears, squabbles, and the obligatory father risking his family's future for one last shot at his dream. What more could you ask for? Another installment Thursday night, you say? Done, my friend. If this little endeavor turns out to be the reality juggernaut that eventually succeeds American Idol, we'll be pleased. But does Ratner really have the crossover appeal - you know, teens, women, geriatrics - of Simon Cowell? Doubtful.

P.S.
Was Michael Bay booked or something?

The rattlesnake in the mailbox?

It's finally here and we don't know what to do with ourselves! We can't remember the last time we were this psyched for a season finale, though we have to be honest our balloon was just popped a bit with the revelation that we lost out on the monthly "good attitude" gift certificate to Best Buy awarded by our bosses. But anyway - Lost. We try not to get too attached to TV characters because, well, most of them suck and the few good ones can be taken away at any moment. Steven Karp from Undeclared, Michael Bluth from Arrested Development, Alfred from Batman: The Animated Series - all gone. And we have a sharp pang deep in the recesses of our stomach that tonight we could be saying goodbye to our current favorite character, Jack Shepard. Wait, you mean that annoying, straitlaced doctor? Damn right, we mean him. As we've always said, Jack is the moral compass of the show, the one person there who can always be counted on. How many people has he saved just since he's been stranded on the Island?

But we don't buy into the whole Jack-Kate (Jate?) romance angle. She made her choice, had unprotected sex with a man who has admitted to fornicating with hookers and is now jealous that Jack has made a new, super-creepy friend (Juliet). Kate seems a little too on-again, off-again for us. And for Jack. We're all kinds of nervous about what could happen tonight. Has Jack really been corrupted by the Others? Or is it his own internal struggles that have caused him to appear a bit unhinged as of late? The Jack we remember from season one never would have advocated using the women as bait, but this one does. That Jack never would have let the fact that everyone always looks to him for leadership take its toll when they need him at his most alert, but this one does.

Our question, which we pose to you is this: Is this the same Jack? We're not sure, but we'd like to think so. We always kind of wanted to believe the Island was a place of redemption, where people could be made whole again. But it's more likely a place of corruption, where people's limits are tested and their true selves revealed. We've seen what that kind of testing brought out in Michael (bad), Locke (bad), and Charlie (good). Tonight, most likely, it's Jack that will be tested. We're in your corner, Jack.

Pacific Northwest - it's all the way live!

What, you actually thought Memphis and Boston were going to win? Ha. The Portland Trailblazers (formerly Jailblazers) and Seattle Supersonics stunned the NBA world last night by winning the first two slots in this year's draft. But why do we feel like these two will find a way to screw it up? Sure, it seems easy enough: Portland, you take Oden, and Seattle, you take Durant. But Portland just drafted a center in LaMarcus Aldridge and Seattle, well, they already have a Durant-type in Rashard Lewis. What's that you say? Oden is a once-in-a-decade talent and Lewis is a free agent? We know, we know. It makes sense, that's why we don't believe it will work out. Does anyone really think David Stern is going to let the two most highly touted rookies to come along in years just slink off to the Pacific Northwest? So they can play games that start at 10 p.m. EST? We don't think so. The fix is on, ladies and gents. And we can't wait to see how he pulls this off.

Of course, the Blazers could just save us all the suspense and deal nice-guy Zack Randolph and his $80 million contract.

After Oden and Durant, draft becomes unpredictable [SI.com]

Secaucus - where the magic happens

Ah Jersey. We used to live there, used to take the train into Manhattan every day, once even said to hell with the cab and negotiated the MTA line well enough to make our way to Newark Airport with two dogs and a short-tempered girlfriend in tow. The "switch" station on that fateful trip? "Secaucus, Secaucus junction." The Jersey twang still stings our ears (and for the record, we took the cab on the way home).

Look, we don't hate Jersey. Upper Montclair (home to SI's Peter King, among other big media names who long for the seclusion of the suburbs) is an especially nice place. The Paramus mall is better than any you'll find in Southern California. Then again, it's a mall. But no gift from a mall will be as large as the one that two NBA teams will receive tonight. With the first pick in the 2007 NBA Draft...

Live from Secaucus, New Jersey it's the 2007 NBA Draft Lottery! That's right, folks, in a little over an hour we'll find out which two lucky NBA teams' balls will turn into Greg Oden and Kevin Durant. We, being Bulls fans, are particularly intrigued because we'll be taking over whatever slot the Knicks would rightly fall into. Thank you, Isiah Thomas.

Indianapolis loses Super Bowl bid. Didn't see that one coming.

Pssst... no one here has probably gathered this yet, but we really like the Colts. We also like the Cardinals, to a lesser degree, but still - fan. Despite the Cardinals' awful start to this season, the last 12 months or so have been exceedingly rewarding. So are we upset that Indianapolis missed out on an opportunity to host a Super Bowl (albeit four years from now)? Nope. Never thought it was remotely possible in the first place. Honestly, why would the NFL pick a cold-weather city in the middle of the country over one of the league's most powerful owners and his looming megastadiadome? The Colts' new stadium (named after an oil company) cost $675 million. The Cowboys' new stadium (fostered by a man who made his name selling oil) cost $1 billion. One billion dollars. Go ahead and soak that in. It also seats nearly 30,000 more people. Why did Indianapolis ever think it stood a chance? None of the league's owners want to freeze their asses off in Indy during the last week of January, no matter how many enclosed walkways lead to the soon-to-open Lucas Oil.

But hey, they still get the rings, right?

Jerry Jones can dance [Dallas Morning News]

Rambo IV (no, we didn't steal the plot from Commando!)

Three minutes and 29 seconds is all the footage Sylvester Stallone has thus far made available of the latest entry in his Reagan-era hero Rambo series - but isn't that all we really need to see?

Cringe-inducing dialogue? Check. Blatant overacting by "sage figure" sent to bring Rambo back to battle? It's there. Stallone knocking some guy's head clean off and ripping a potential rapist's throat out? Um...that's a bit unexpected. Oh, by the way, it's called John Rambo. You'll remember that Stallone's other recent franchise revival was called Rocky Balboa. Read into that what you will.



Your first look at the John Rambo promo video [Movieweb]

Welcome ...

Look, we're not going to do one of those lengthy introductions where we tell you everything about us. You don't care. Hell, we barely care. Here's the rundown: we're (think of we in the Spider-Man/Venom sense) not really jocks. We played three sports in high school, but none particularly well (though they really should bring back the 160-pound linebacker). We're writers too unfocused to finish a screenplay, too lazy to write a novel, too cynical to stick as a journalist, and too opinionated not to say anything. We like the Colts, the Cards, and the Bulls (though the NBA is increasingly painful to follow). We like Lost, The Wire, and Friday Night Lights more than any other shows on television. And we'll see any movie that's out there - but we probably won't like it. That's when we'll tell you about it.