The Dark Knight trailer no one wants you to see...

Okay, so we're just fucking with you. This was made by a fan, a very talented fan, if we do say so ourselves. Enjoy, and continue to spray your fanboy shorts. We know we will.

Your Super Bowl contenders preview begins....now!

We’ve been scouring other sports blogs and sites over the past couple weeks, and it’s become painfully obvious that we’re lacking in an NFL preview feature. We don’t want to rip of anyone else’s, so we won’t be profiling each team or breaking down each division. It’s been done, and, quite frankly, there’s a good third of the NFL that’s painstaking to write about.

But what we will do is for the next month and change, every few days we’ll preview one of the 10 teams we think has a clear shot at holding the Lombardi Trophy in Glendale come February. Today: the Dallas Cowboys.

Pros:

1.) Tony Romo is overrated and overhyped, but the dearth of quality QB play in the NFC means he’s an elite player in the JV conference. Look for him to put up 25 TDs with 3,800 yards and about 14-16 interceptions. We like to think of him as Tom Brady without weapons, only with weapons. Does that make any sense?

2.) DeMarcus Ware. This rising OLB recorded double-digit sacks and forced five fumbles in just his second year in the NFL. He’s the real deal and should have an all-pro season in Wade Philips’ 3-4 scheme.

3.) Marion Barber III was a TD machine last season, and if offensive coordinator Jason Garrett can find creative ways to get him in space, he could be a sleeper Pro Bowl pick.

Cons:

1.) The Cowboys keep saying Roy Williams will be covering less and hitting more this season. That sounds like copping to a weakness to us, and that’s never a good thing. Ken Hamlin is an upgrade at free safety, but he doesn’t have the centerfield skills to allow Williams to roam completely free. We haven’t seen the last TD pass sail over Williams’ head.

2.) Wade Philips. Nothing personal, but he just doesn’t seem like a head coach. Jerry Jones wanted a company man who was going to do what he wanted. We all saw how the Barry Switzer era ended.

3.) Terrell Owens. He’s loud, brash, and his skills appear to be declining (he led the league in drops last season). It was year two before Owens imploded the Eagles, lest we forget.

Overall:

- Top to bottom, this is one of the strongest teams in the NFC, and one of the only NFC clubs who could compete in the AFC. They’ll have to contend with a rejuvenated Donovan McNabb in the NFC East, and Romo still looks easily rattled to us. We say they go 11-5 and win a playoff game, before falling in the divisional round.

Dean Cain just can't shed the Supes suit

Sports
Yeah, the Celtics future is bleak. [Simon on Sports]
Pacman probably won't be too active in the ring. [Wrestlezone]
Peter King, the prescient killer. [SI.com]
Jayson Stark has all the MLB trade deadline info you could ever want. [ESPN]
Movies
Bergman, as genius as Bill Walsh. [Movie City News]
How environmental are The Simpsons? [Slate]
So many Blade Runners, so little viewing time. [Esquire]
A delightful tale of how hard screenwriting really is. [The Artful Writer]

TV
Big Love, suddenly all about cunnilingus. [EW]
Star Jones, owning up to the fat loss. [ET Online]
Blair Underwood will never find a good role - ever. [H-Wood Reporter]
Dean Cain will always be our Superman. [Movie Hole]

Rick Ankiel will be here soon...

Our feelings for Rick Ankiel are nothing compared to the debilitating mancrush/torch Deadspin carries for him, but we liked the guy, too. There's a chance, however slight, he'll be called up to the Bigs before the end of the regular season. We doubt it happens, but it's encouraging. Not as discouraging, however, as this:

Your Indianapolis Colts training camp update

Being that we're roughly 2,000 miles from Terre Haute, where the Colts annually hold their training camp, we can't provide much in the way of first-hand observations. But we have several spies that can, which we'll relate to you day after day until this NFL season finally - finally! - kicks off.

First, the Corey Simon debacle continues. Apparently, he came to Indy for a physical on Friday, which the Colts say he failed. Simon's agent says he's not aware of the results and he's "not sure" why Simon was told not to report to Terre Haute. Rumor has it that Simon was spotted at a Florida State (his alma mater) recruiting party not too long ago and looked grossly overweight. We're guessing he stepped in the door for his physical, the doctors took one look at him and phoned Bill Polian, whose forehead proceeded to erupt.

Next, there’s the left tackle situation, as the sudden retirement of Tarik Glenn leaves a gaping hole at the premier offensive line position. Tony Ugoh has the first crack at winning the starting job, but if the second preseason game rolls around and Sorgi and Navarre are spending any time on their back, expect that to change.

Reggie Wayne continues to thrill fans with his eccentric training camp entrances.

Joseph Addai, apparently, looked rather thuggish upon his arrival. We refuse to believe this, but our sources never lie. Or do they?

Daymeion Hughes has decided to be known by his middle name, Dante, which we thing is a bad decision. Really, we could have had Satan playing corner with The Eraser playing over the top. How awesome would that’ve been?

Speaking of The Eraser, he’s started the season on the PUP list. Sanders is still recovering from offseason surgery, and we say let him take all the time he needs. If he wants to wait until week six, fine by us. As long as he’s around for the stretch run.

We’ll have more updates later today and throughout the week as we continue our correspondence with our Colts insiders.

Whew, things are cracking up...

See, this is what happens when your Internet goes down for a few days - the world goes and upends itself. What has changed in the three days we’ve been away? Well, Ingmar Bergman, Tom Snyder, Michelangelo Antonioni and – perhaps saddest of all – Bill Walsh have died, Mike Vick continues to prep himself for jail, and the Celtics have mortgaged their future to form a trio of aging superstars.

What do we think? The deaths, obviously, are tragic and our hearts go out to the families of the deceased, but the lives these men led were so rich and influential it’s hard to be too depressed when thinking about the joy and knowledge they brought to this world. Okay, cornball soliloquy over. As for Vick – he’s done. We’ll go on record now saying we don’t think he’ll play another down in the NFL and there’s a good chance he’ll do as much as 18 months in federal prison. Dirty Bird, indeed.

The Celtics? We don’t know what the hell they’re thinking, other than Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers are making a serious power play to save both their jobs and make Boston NBA-relevant again. They could have done this years ago by drafting well, forgoing idiotic trades and resigning, but we’ll take it. 2010 and beyond is going to be rough. We’re just sayin’.

What is The Simpsons Movie going to do this weekend?

We think it's going to shock everyone and do $60-65 million. Entertainment Weekly says just a shade under $50 million. The Hollywood Reporter is talking more along the lines of a mid-30's opening. Can it do $60 million? We think it can. We'll surely be completely wrong, but that's how it goes.

My baby? Aw, he just got his ass in the way, that's all!

Sports
Grimsely, you remember him? Things are picking up. [Lion in Oil]
Tom Glavine, the wheels are in motion for his exit. [NY Daily News]
Kip Wells, continuing to amaze - you, us, everyone. [Bugs and Cranks]
Worst. Trade deadline. Ever. Could it be? [SI.com]

Movies
The Dude, uncovered and explained. [The Guardian]
Fast Times sure got old fast, eh? [MSNBC]
12 small roles that rocked the world. [EW]
The first-half box office, broken down. [Match Flick]

TV
Grey's Anatomy was fun at one time? [NJ.com]
More hirings coming soon on The View [LA Times]
Val Kilmer, slumming it in TV land. [Zap 2 It]
What are The Simpsons going to do at the box office this weekend? [Past Deadline]

All Vick, all the time!

Ugh. Honestly, we can't stand the Michael Vick story. Not the details, not the man, not the constant coverage. But this little nugget is promising. Apparently, the NFL is making it so you can't purchase a Michael Vick jersey anymore - at all. Donebar. Pretty intensive step, wouldn't you say? We would. We like it, though. That Goodell has a set on him.

In case you weren't aware...

Comic-Con is this weekend. Here's where you can find all the dirt. And in case you're thinking of popping in at the last minute, here's what you can expect to see:

The top 25 college football programs of the past decade

ESPN, list-o-philes that they are, has compiled a list of the 25 greatest college football programs of the past decade. Sucks for Nebraska. All that Tommy Frazier joy goes unrewarded. Even the University of Illinois' trip to the Sugar Bowl - where they were dismantled - at the tip of the millenium couldn't get them into the first three quadrants. But we believe in the Zookster. He recruits like no coach in recent history at THE University of Illinois has, and he has Juice Williams - Juice! - running his offense.

So take a look at this list and let us know what you think. Living in Santa Monica, we're a bit closed off from the USC fervor that's already beginning in So Cal, but it won't be long until it swallows us, too. They're No. 1, by the way, but you already knew that.

The Colts finallly get a bit of good news

In the wake of Glenngate, where seemingly every media pundit or Colts message board troll has declared Indianapolis' 2007 season over before it begins, we find a nice piece of news. Anthony Gonzalez, the Colts first-round draft pick and the Ohio State Buckeyes best receiver (yeah, we said it), is set to sign a five-year contract just in time for training camp. Happy day. Are we worried about teams lining up speed- and bull-rushers opposite a rookie or second-year left tackle? We don't feel great about it. Does having two new starters in the secondary make us uneasy? We'd be lying if we said it didn't. But everything's going to be alright.

We still have Manning, Harrison, Wayne, Addai, Clark and Saturday as the core pieces of our offense. And with both Freeney and Sanders at full strength, our defense should be much improved this season (really, there's not much room for a backslide). Training camp starts in three days. We're ready. The road to a repeat is paved with broken glass and pot holes; time to take that first step. And just in case you're not excited about the dimension Gonzalez brings to the Colt offense:

The coolest thing we've seen in some time

We're not sure how long it took ESPN to put it together, but their Fantasy Football Hall of Fame is pretty fantastic. The site's load time is somewhat plodding, and it's headshot click formula can be frustrating when you end up bringing up Brandon Stokley's profile when you wanted Robbie Gould's, but other than that we have no complaints. Brilliant idea, solid execution, sounds like something anyone other than ESPN would have come up with. We just want to know which member of team Swollen Rexicles is going to be sworn in after this season.

Jayhawk fans, meet your starting QB

Sports
The Tour de France is done, bitches. [ESPN]
Tony La Russa hates us, and he hates you. [Enjoy the Enjoyment]
Ugh, Cubs fans think they're winning the World Series. [Gheorghe the Blog]
The scariest QB this side of Michael Vick. [LJ World]

Movies
The argument over Sienna Miller hits its apex. [The Frenzy on the Wall]
Holy crap, Eternal Sunshine is actually on the way! [Wired]
A countdown of the best movie shoot-outs. [Twitch Guru]
Is The Simpsons Movie any good? [Rotten Tomatoes]

TV
The Isiah Washington saga becomes a network civil war. [Past Deadline]
Here's another way to land yourself a pilot deal. [Broadcasting Cable]
Do we really need a Heroes video game? [H-Wood Reporter]
ABC never really liked Traveler anyway, fuckers. [Post-Gazette]

Your (bi? tri?) monthly Lost update

It's been a while since we've had ourselves a nice, long Lost discussion, especially considering how many questions that fantastic season finale raised. But the recent news that Michael (played by Harold Perreinus) will rejoin the cast next season has us scratching our heads. Does that mean Walt will be back, too? How will they handle his aging if forced to shoot him from some angle other than directly below? Will the show be set in the future? Will we now see flash forwards instead of flashbacks? We're leaning toward the latter theory, but we're not completely sure.

What does everyone else think? We're trying not to devote too much thought to it because the next season is so far off...but we can't help it.

Strange, but true facts about Sportscenter anchors

You've probably already seen the Sportscenter parody below, but thanks to Popjocks, here are a few tidbits about the show's anchors you might not have been privy to. Our favorite? That Neil Everett's last name is actually Morfitt. Since when has being nicknamed Little Miss Morfitt ever ruined a career?

Barry Bonds will punch you in the face (hypothetically speaking)

Bob Costas is the gold standard in sports journalism. The guy has so many Emmys he doesn't know what to do with them, a fact that haunts Dan Patrick daily. We caught his latest installment of Costas Now the other night and were much impressed by the way he handled himself in interviews with one of the BALCO chemists, Bud Selig, Curt Schilling, and a roundtable including Gary Carter, Ozzie Smith, and Chris Rock, a.k.a. the "angry black man who thinks Barry Bonds is just fine."

Well, it seems Bonds has taken exception to Costas' tactics and the information he presented, which included the Champaign, Ill.-based chemist saying he's certain Bonds was using steroids. In fact, you might say Bonds has gone as far as threatening Costas, even if you have to read between the lines to come to that conclusion.

Bonds called Costas, "a little, midget man who absolutely knows jack [bleep] about baseball. Never played the game before. You can tell Bob Costas what I called him.

"I can't wait to see him face to face someday."

We're reading between the lines, and it says here that Barry Bonds wants to clothesline Bob Costas. Unfortunately, his knees won't allow him to bend down far enough.

Larry, Larry, things are gettin' hairy

Not that Larry Johnson needed any more problems on his plate - what with the whole no long-term contract, the consistent pounding, the impending injury - but now he has an old friend to contend with. Priest Holmes, former holder of the NFL single-season rushing TD record, is reporting to training camp with the Kansas City Chiefs. Now, we're slow on the uptake, but if Johnson holds out as expected, does that make Holmes No. 1 on the depth chart?

Why do you mock the UT, EA?

Sports
Is Peter King a little bit racist? [Nation of Islam]
Was Tedy Bruschi ever really dead? [The Lefty]
That Lee Jennings guy? Not a Longhorn. [Burnt Orange Nation]
More NCAA 2008 anger - anger! [The Big T]

Movies
What makes a good movie robot, anyway? [London Times]
Um...what has Ray Winstone been on? [The Guardian]
Ain't no party like a big screen party...[Empire]
How good can a plot twist possibly be? [Salty Stix]

TV
These TV personalities are much, much richer than you. [Yahoo!]
Spay & neuter is a go. [ET Online]
Comic-con ain't just about the ink anymore. [Variety]
Big Love, finally getting some recognition. [NY Post]

Snap Judgement: FX's Damages

Summer TV sucks, there's no denying it or getting around it. When once-great, now merely mediocre fare like Entourage and Rescue Me are weekly viewing highlights, there's a dearth of quality TV to be had. Imagine our surprise, then, when last night we tuned into FX's latest summer series, the Glenn Close legal drama Damages.

It's pretty great. Nowhere near The Wire, Friday Night Lights or Lost, of course, but good enough to stand next to The Shield as one of the FX network's shining lights. Glenn Close is tremendous as a cement-hard attorney bent on destroying all who oppose her, even her subordinates. Rose Byrne, she of the huge talent but underwhelming CV, is perfectly cast as the show's moral compass. And Ted Danson? Well, who knew he could be so menacing with his white hair and suspiciously smooth forehead.

Damages plays a little too loosely with time and thinks said timeline bending is a little more clever than it really is, but who cares? It's late-July and there's a decent TV show to be watched.

"I'm not a piece of meat - stimulate my brain!"

Maybe you're a Colts fan, and feeling down about the loss of a franchise left tackle. Maybe you're a Cardinals fan, and you're gradually coming to the realization this season isn't one for the ages. Or, in our case, you're both and need a reason to feel good about surfing the net for sports stories in the morning. This is that reason.

Hi-ho Silver, away!

Just. Could. Not. Resist. Cheesy. Headline.

Anywho, thanks to The Big Lead for providing us with a wonderful story on this slow Wednesday where there's nothing but recycled stories floating around in the ether of the Interwebs. Sports Illustrated senior writer Michael Silver is fleeing the former bastion of long-form sports reporting...for Yahoo! Sports. That's right, one of the biggest names at the most influential sports magazine in the free world is giving up his gig to work for a Web site with an exclamation point in its name. Only in the Internet age could this happen. Click on over to TBL for further details. As always, he has it covered a lot better than us.

At least these means we'll no longer have to hear about how Cal-Berkeley is the center of the universe. Right?

Well, shit...

Tarik Glenn has made it official - he's done. We'll wait until around week three of the regular season until we close the book on him for good, but it looks like he's really hanging it up. Now we'll see what Charlie Johnson and Tony Ugoh are made of. This is a big blow, no question. The sky isn't falling, but repeating just got a whole lot tougher.

Our favorite line from the thrown together press release:

And he said he realized the timing – five days before the Colts are scheduled to report to 2007 Training Camp – “wasn’t the greatest.”

No shit.

New Yorker be angry cuz you be disrespectin' the ladies

In all seriousness, this essay by film critic David Denby in the most recent edition of The New Yorker is brilliantly written (per usual), but it doesn't really seem like he understands the appeal of the films he's shredding. Judd Apatow, with films like Knocked Up, is making chick flicks. They're female empowerment films, even if they don't really feel or look like it. Their protagonists may be shlubby and lazy with no prospects for the future, but they don't actually get the girl until they turn their lives around. It makes sense, doesn't it? Thought so.

Welcome to Judgement Week

In about five hours, the St. Louis Cardinals season could come to an end. Many fans, myself "somewhat" included, think this has already happened. The loss of staff ace Chris Carpenter to Tommy John surgery crippled the Cards' hopes of a miracle second-half comeback. Without Carpenter, and with Mark Mulder still rehabbing, the Cards de facto ace is Adam Wainwright. Look, Wainwright is a big talent with a bright future, but he's not an ace. And he's not someone you'll see headlining a playoff rotation.

At 8:05 EST tonight, the Cubs will roll into St. Louis, plop Carlos Zambrano's round ass on the mound, and attempt to drive a dagger through the hearts of Cardinal fans everywhere. This will hurt. It will hurt not only because it's always painful to lose to the Cubs, but because it's excruciating to lose to the Cubs as you essentially hand them the division lead. Make no mistake, if the Cubs sweep the Cardinals, it will be a referendum on both teams' seasons. The Cards, last October notwithstanding, have been a .500 team for the past calendar year. The Cubs, atrocious last year, have added hitting, pitching, speed and a steady hand in the dugout.

This is Judgement Week: a six-game homestand against the Cubs and Brewers. By late Sunday, the Cardinals will either be dead and dirt-filled or clinging to life. We're hoping for the latter. After all, training camp doesn't even start until Sunday.

If you ever see this woman behind the wheel...

...run the other way as fast as you can.

Big Bird died for your sins

Sports
Remember that story about that LA Times columnist who had a sex change? He/she's back. [Sports by Brooks]
Just another reason those criticisms of Peyton Manning are unfounded. [18 to 88]
A brilliant way to rid yourself of annoying ESPN Motion videos. [Deadspin]
Now, we don't want to condone this, but it's the NFL, kid! [Yahoo! Sports]

Movies
If an actor were a video game character, who would they be? [Maxim]
When movies go to Washingon, D.C., look out 'cuz there be talkin'. [WA Post]
A case for not making James Bond a funny guy. [The Guardian]
Zodiac was a great movie, but what's with its DVD treatment? [Village Voice]

TV
It's official: Drew Carey's doing TPIR. [USA Today]
HBO is signing on for another season of Big Love. [Variety]
The Gilmore Girls creator hit the bottle instead of her old show's finale. [NJ.com]
Sesame Street is getting the star treatment for its Christmas specia. [H-Wood Reporter]

The Darjeeling Limited, Wes Anderson's plot to destroy the world

If you have even a remote interest in director Wes Anderson's work - Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, etc. - you've probably been anticipating the release of The Darjeeling Limited for some time now. It has all the hallmarks of an Anderson film: Owen Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, a script by Anderson and one of the movie's stars, and the usual quirky humor. But is it just us, or does it feel like this time Anderson is driving over the same canvas as before? Go here and judge for yourself.

In celebration of Aaron Harang

Not just because he's on our fantasy baseball team - but also because he's 10-2 with 138 strikeouts - we present to you this horrible YouTube capture of a Harang no hitter on a video game. Why someone would capture this, we don't know. But we do know that Harang pitched 10 innings of 1-run, 10-strikeout baseball last night. That's impressive, even more so when you consider he pitches for the worst team in the NL. How he's 10-2 is beyond me. Enjoy.

Tarik Glenn, and other instances of bad timing

We must apologize for our absence yesterday, we were unexpectedly pulled away from the Intertron for a day-long work conference. You know how these things go. Hey, we'd to quit our job love and blog full time, but only the lucky ones are fortunate enough to do that. Besides, we made almost $10 in Google AdSense this past week. We treated ourselves to Subway.

Now then - the task at hand. We know most of the sports world is caught up in the Vick dogfighting scandal (and those who aren't are mesmerized by the NBA referee betting scandal), but there's a more pressing issue at hand: who's going to protect Peyton Manning's blind side? As most of you already know, Tarik Glenn is - at the very least - considering retirement. Glenn is one of the best left tackles in pro football and is, it can be argued, coming off his finest season. Why would he retire? Glenn is not really motivated by money, he's had weight issues is the past, the Colts drafted his likely replacement this past April. We're not saying he doesn't have his reasons.

But he simply must not do this. The Colts defensive losses through free agency, widely hailed as disastrous by the media, have been heavily exaggerated, but the loss of a premier left tackle cannot be. Left tackle is the second-most important position on the offensive side of the ball. It's not a coincidence that Glenn has only missed six games in the Manning era. His successor, whether that be second-year tackle Charlie Johnson or second-round pick Tony Ugoh, will likely have a learning curve. That means sacks - many sacks. Manning has the quickest release of any QB in the NFL, along with an uncanny sense for pressure around him, but even he is susceptible to the blind side rush.

Please, Tarik, come back for one more year. The Colts need you. We need you. Peyton needs you. Until we find out for certain, we'll leave you with this hopeful piece of information, courtesy of ESPN's John Clayton:

Don't count out Tarik Glenn for the 2007 season yet. Glenn is supposed to return from Mexico in the next 24 hours to meet with Tony Dungy, Bill Polian and the Colts organization. While Glenn, perhaps the best left tackle in franchise history, is thinking about retiring, the Colts want him to take time to think about whether or not that is the right decision.

It's a sad, sad sports world out there

Michael Vick owns the airwaves, the NBA is going the way of the shitter, and the Colts may lose one of their offensive cornerstones. That and we had to get several stitches over the weekend because we're idiots. You'll have to excuse if we're not feeling very chipper. We plan to weigh in on all these issues soon enough, trust us. It just might be a little bit.

But really, just how awesome is Chris Young?

Lost in all the hyperbole and column inches spent on Brad Penny and Jake Peavy thus far is the fantastic season Chris Young has quietly been putting together for the San Diego Padres. Mercifully selected to the NL All-Star Team via online balloting, Young is now 9-3 on the season with a microscopic 1.85 ERA after pitching seven shutout innings against the NL's most potent lineup last night.

Against the Phillies, he allowed two hits, three walks (all to Ryan Howard) and struck out six, while no runners landed past second base. This ex-Princeton basketball standout is our pick for the best pitcher in baseball this season. Sure, Santana will probably pass him prior to October, but we feel some attention is warranted. He gets no run support (he's won five 1-0 games this season) and he plays on the West Coast, so he's facing an uphill climb in the Cy Young voting. But we'll remember.

Another plug for The Hottest State

Yeah, we'll admit we want to see it, even if the book isn't a critical favorite and it seems like Ethan Hawke might be biting off more than he can chew. But perhaps more intriguing to us than the film itself, is its soundtrack, now streaming on Myspace. We suggest you start with the Bright Eyes contribution; it's fantastic, as most of his stuff usually is.

Playoffs, you kiddin me?

Sports
Tommy Frazier rocks the mic like no other. [Mac G's World]
Meet Ichiro, the most forward-thinking athlete alive. [Biz of Baseball]
Fat athletes can dominate, too. [The Bench Warmer]
This judge will throw the book at Mike Vick. [A-JC]

Movies
Danny Boyle loves the Sunshine. [Wired]
Liam Neeson discusses a movie that sank without a trace. [London Times]
Chuck and Larry or Hairspray, decisions, decisions. [Box Office Mojo]
Speaking of Hairspray, its director's not a total newbie...[Spout]

TV
We're not the only ones upset about the Emmy noms. [Translucent Fish]
Drew Carey may get this Price is Right gig just yet. [Variety]
CBS has a quick fix-it option for those overtime NFL games. [Miami Herald]
Somehow, Drive scored an Emmy nod, but not The Wire. [Variety]

Meet...the Green Hornet

We're not fooling. Seth Rogen, who recently was believed to be only in negotiations to script a feature-film version of celebrated comic hero the Green Hornet, is also prepping to play the masked crusader. Fat guy in a tight-ass suit, fat guy in a tight-ass suit. Sounds like fun to us.

Cardinal fans, it's time to pack it in

Well, we knew this was coming: Chris Carpenter, he of the enigmatic elbow, is done for the 2007 - and possibly 2008 - season. Our playoff hopes now rest on the arms of Mark Mulder, Adam Wainwright, Braden Looper, Mike Maroth, and either Kip Wells or Anthony Reyes. Collective ERA? We'd have to crunch some numbers to be certain, but it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 5.00. It's over, guys. Shut down Rolen, get that shoulder fixed. See what prospects are there that can be dealt (it's a dry cupboard) and find at least two respectable starters. Ponder the thought of bringing Rick Ankiel up this September to get his major league batting feet wet. There's no alternative now. We're almost 10 games out, August is right around the corner and our savior isn't coming.

It pains us to write this, but probably not as much as it pains Deadspin to have posted the above photo this morning.

Vick may be urged to take leave of absence

Morning. We're scratching our eyes and watching First Take and intrepid reporter Chris Mortensen is reporting that the NFL and Atlanta Falcons might urge Michael Vick to take a leave of absence. Thank Christ. This really seems like the best option for all parties at this point in time. Does it further drive the stake through the Falcons playoff hopes? Definitely, but there's going to be a could hanging over them whether Vick's under center this season or not. More on this later as it develops.

Oh, and those PETA people picketing outside the NFL offices are hard to the core.

Ethan Hawke will soon control your universe

Anyone remember that 1997 debut novel by some actor that got middling reviews and didn't really sell too many copies? Well, said actor has written and directed a feature based on that novel, about a Texan actor who moves to Manhattan and enters into a doomed relationship with a singer/songwriter. Here's the trailer:

Nine sure signs this year's Emmys are doomed

In all honesty, we could probably extend this list to 20 or 30 if we were really picky. We're not, so we'll keep it to a thoroughly uneven nine.

1.) The Wire being shut out in the Best Drama category
- As we've noted, along with many media outlets, this is the finest TV show ever created. From the byzantine plots and multi-layered characters to the juggling of cops, crooks, teachers and politicians, there's never a false note. The Wire's upcoming fifth season will also be its last. Here's hoping Emmy is waiting for a Lord of the Rings-type coronation.

2.) Friday Night Lights receiving no acting nominations
- Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton are reinventing the husband and wife wheel of American television, but they take a backseat to Emmy mainstays like James Spader and Felicity Huffman. Why, we have no idea.

3.) Lost continues its fall from grace with Emmy voters
- After taking home the award for Best Drama in 2005 (after its first season), the ABC drama has fallen on hard times in awards circles. Maybe its the lack of ratings or the rise of other serial mysteries (Heroes), but the last ten episodes of Lost this season were better than anything else on network television.

4.) Two and a Half Men resumes its reign of terror
- So this is where the Best Comedy nomination reserved for HBO's brilliant Extras went, eh? Well done.

5.) Charlie Sheen
- No words.

6.) Big Love doesn't exist
- Not only is this controversial polygamy drama operating on a higher plane than that of any network drama save Lost, it's not a stretch to say that, while not as tantalizing, it was more consistent than The Sopranos. Still, nothing.

7.) John Krasinski, where are you?
- Sure, Steve Carell is the engine that drives The Office and lone "name" in the show's cast, but Krasinski's subtlety and understatment holds everything together and rivals Martin Freeman's finest work on the British version.

8.) Does anyone watch Boston Legal?
- We don't want to disparage the show too viciously, because we've never seen a full episode, but that's an awful lot of nominations for a program that generates little-to-no buzz? It doesn't even have its own TV Watch!

9.) Grey's Anatomy
- Even the show's fans say this wasn't the show's best work, but it still gets a truckload of nominations. Unbelievable.

A few quick comments as our blood boils

Don't worry, our big "Fuck you Emmy" post is forthcoming, but we're using some casual surfing to calm down in the meantime. Here's what we've learned:

There's going to be a new Ace Ventura movie - without Jim Carrey.
- What an absolutely horrid idea. Did no one learn anything from Son of the Mask? It's going to star John Flitter, some kid from License to Wed (a movie no one saw) and Nancy Drew (ditto). At least he won't have to worry about acting in front of a bigger audience.

A fantastic list of the 50 greatest comic book deaths has hit the Web.
- Superman is No. 1, but we all knew that already. And how could it not be? We waited with dripping palms for the final installment of the Doomsday saga to hit stores, even though we knew it was a shot-in-the-arm marketing gimmick. It worked on us, we followed Kal-El's entire weird trip back through alternate universes, costumes and comics. And who doesn't love the 'ol "the fans voted to snuff out Robin" story?

Mike Vick has revealed his motivation for the whole dog fighting thing.
- Or maybe a sports blog has just satirically taken a stab at it. It's a good read, either way.

The Dark Knight script is online - a review, at least.
- There's nary a spoiler, and really no other pertinent information other than, apparently, it rocks. We weren't nearly as high on Batman Begins as everyone else (we couldn't stand Bale's lowered voice as Batman, and some of the dialogue was just painful, plus there was Katie Holmes), but the Joker's our favorite villian of all time. We'll watch that shit.

The NY Times has jumped the embargo train and published a review of the new Harry Potter.
- It looks like he lives. We say looks like because we've never read a Harry Potter book and aren't going to take the time to read the entire review. But we think it says he lives.

Bearskin rugs are the best we can do

Sports
You've probably already read this, but Bill Simmons' column is online. [Page 2]
The Cubs are not afraid to make a move. [Fox Sports]
Petros Papadakis as your waiter, does it get any better? [Lion in Oil]
Those Culpepper to the Falcons rumors have started. [Pro Football Talk]

Movies
Detailing the summer movie miracle that is Once. [Variety]
How do Star Wars fans really feel? [JIVE]
An examination of the dickless Hollywood heroes. [NY Observer]
Steve Buscemi ruminates on a Big Lebowski sequel. [MTV]

TV
The best Simpsons celebrity cameos. [London Times]
One of the early anti-Emmy sentiments. [Sepinwall]
James Woods weighs in on the whole Isiah Washington fiasco. [Past Deadline]
Remember that Traveler show? You probably shouldn't bother. [TV Squad]

Your Yovani Gallardo update

This man-crush of ours on Brewers rookie phenom Yovani Gallardo isn't going away, and neither is he. Just a few weeks ago, when the Brew Crew owned a healthy lead in the NL Central, Ben Sheets was pitching like an ace and Chris Capuano was set to return from the DL, Yovani Gallardo seemed destined for the bullpen.

He was. In fact, he's made three bullpen appearances thus far in the month of July, giving up three earned runs with two walks and eight strikeouts in 9 1/3 innings of work. For the season, he carries a sparkling 2.83 ERA, which is why we follow his every move with such fervor. And now, with all-star Sheets headed to the DL for four-to-six weeks, we'll finally get a long look at the 21-year-old tantalizer. Our prediction? He makes eight starts, goes 4-2 with a 3.30 ERA and strikeout numbers in the low-50's.

He takes the mound in a little over an hour, people. Diamondbacks at the Marlins. MLB.TV. Be there.

The Emmys, how can I explain?

You'll have to check out the "Dundies" episode of The Office to get the joke in the headline, but we assure you there is one. Anywho, don't let anyone ever tell you the Emmys don't suck. Every year, shows like The Wire, Rome and - in the past two years, anyway - even Lost get passed over for tripe like House, Boston Legal and Grey's Anatomy. We've gotten used to it, quite frankly. But this year, with new critically acclaimed shows like Friday Night Lights and Big Love in the fold, we had our hopes up.

No more. The nominations are out - and they suck. Here are the nominees for the major categories. Don't worry, we plan a full-scale, Vick-style indictment of the Academy's choices later on. We're just a little too pissed off at the moment and we haven't even had our latte yet.

DRAMA SERIES
Boston Legal
Grey's Anatomy
Heroes
House
The Sopranos

ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
James Gandolfini, The Sopranos
Hugh Laurie, House
Denis Leary, Rescue Me
James Spader, Boston Legal
Kiefer Sutherland, 24

ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Patricia Arquette, Medium
Minnie Driver, The Riches
Edie Falco, The Sopranos
Sally Field, Brothers & Sisters
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
Michael Emerson, Lost
Michael Imperioli, The Sopranos
T.R. Knight, Grey's Anatomy
Terry O'Quinn, Lost
Masi Oka, Heroes
William Shatner, Boston Legal

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Lorraine Bracco, The Sopranos
Rachel Griffiths, Brothers & Sisters
Katherine Heigl, Grey's Anatomy
Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy
Aida Turturro, The Sopranos
Chandra Wilson, Grey's Anatomy

GUEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
Tim Daly, The Sopranos
Christian Clemenson, Boston Legal
John Goodman, Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip
David Morse, House
Eli Wallach, Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip
Forest Whitaker, ER

GUEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Kate Burton, Grey's Anatomy
Leslie Caron, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Marcia Gay Harden, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Elizabeth Reaser, Grey's Anatomy
Jean Smart, 24

COMEDY SERIES
Entourage
The Office
30 Rock
Two and a Half Men
Ugly Betty

ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Steve Carell, The Office
Ricky Gervais, Extras
Tony Shalhoub, Monk
Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men

ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
America Ferrera, Ugly Betty
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Teri Hatcher, Desperate Housewives
Felicity Huffman, Desperate Housewives
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men
Kevin Dillon, Entourage
Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
Jeremy Piven, Entourage
Rainn Wilson, The Office

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Conchata Ferrell, Two and a Half Men
Jenna Fischer, The Office
Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds
Jaime Pressly, My Name Is Earl
Holland Taylor, Two and a Half Men
Vanessa Williams, Ugly Betty

He's just not very bright

This'll be our last Vick post for a bit, because you're no doubt being drowned in the coverage. But we had to pass along this quote we found from "source" of SI.com's Don Banks in his column today:

"He's not very bright at all,'' the source said of Vick. "And that's a big part of his problems. He's a very unintelligent person and he makes poor decisions because of it. It's not a white or black thing. Paris Hilton is an idiot, too. Mike Tyson was totally dumb, but for a long time his trainer kept him protected from his worst mistakes. You have to have someone around you who can protect you from yourself at times.''

We don't know who this "source" is, but we think we'd like to have a beer or two with he or she. How's that Schaub trade looking now, Atlanta?

Celebrities is fuckin' up!

This isn't really a big news item, more of a casual observation. These are the top three stories on imdb's news feed today:

Chappelle Hospitalized for Exhaustion
- American funnyman Dave Chappelle checked into a hospital this past weekend for exhaustion. The Chappelle's Show comedian, 33, was rushed to the emergency room of an unnamed hospital, where he remained for 12 hours before returning home. Earlier reports suggested Chapelle had suffered a drug-related medical problem and had checked into rehab, which his spokesperson has denied.

Baldwin Films Drug Recovery for News Special
- Movie star Daniel Baldwin has opened up about his cocaine addiction in a series of confessional video diaries, taped for news special Primetime. The actor agreed to be filmed at various points during his rehab recovery at the Renaissance Malibu facility in California for the news show, which aired in America on Tuesday night.

Lohan Wearing Alcohol Ankle Bracelet
- Lindsay Lohan has a new fashion accessory - an ankle bracelet that monitors alcohol intake. The actress checked out of rehab this past weekend after addressing her alcohol-related issues, but she has chosen to prove she intends to stay away from booze by monitoring her drinking. Lohan will voluntarily wear the alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet for the foreseeable future, according to the actress' publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnik.

Now, we're not naive enough to think that we wouldn't also fall victim to the trappings of celebrity, but don't most of them seem to have some serious problems? Our most serious problem is trying to figure out if we should sell our old Xbox on Craigslist or just take the meager trade-in value from Gamestop. The best part of our trip to imdb today? After their three lead stories comes your regular David Beckham update.

Paul Schrader, it's been too long...

It's been more than three decades since writer/director Paul Schrader earthquaked the film industry with his screenplay for Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver, but to us he's still as relevant as ever. He's written - along with Taxi Driver - some of our favorite movies, including Raging Bull, Mishima, and Affliction, yet he hasn't written a film since 1999's Bringing Out the Dead. He's back, and from the looks of this first trailer for his political intrigue drama The Walker, he's back in a big way.

Colin Cowherd is counting on YOU!

Sports
That'll be all, Scott Olsen. [Miami Herald]
If you're going to write a column, you have to know what you're talking about. [Between the Lines]
Colin Cowherd wants YOU...for Dan Patrick's spot. [Sports by Brooks]
Why, exactly, is Duante Culpepper representing himself? [Blog of Hilarity]

Movies
Ten opening scenes that will hug your layrnx. [The Guardian]
To Bay or not to Bay? That is the ? [Booth Film Critics]
Cate Blanchett as Bob Dylan, with boobs permanently pressed. [YouTube]
Captivity was really dropped to the wolves, wasn't it? [Film Fatale]

TV
The Watcher gives NBC some advice. [Chicago Tribune]
TV's Batman, without the camp. [YouTube]
LeBron James, from the ESPYs to SNL. [Variety]
Speaking of SNL, is Maya Rudolph on her way out? [Courant]

Gary Sheffield wants to know if you have the letter

We're not sure how many of you caught Garry Sheffield's appearance on Real Sports last night, but we were fascinated. Not so much by what he said, but by how he said it, the way he shuffled nervously, and the gravitas shown by Real Sports newbie Andrea Kramer. Sheffield told us all about how he and Barry Bonds used to be best pals, until he was told to fall in line with Bonds' communist training regimen. Sheffield gladly "put cream under his tongue" and "rubbed the clear on his legs," yet he still doesn't consider himself a steroid user. According to Sheff, steroids are only "sticking a needle in your butt."

Experts on steroids we're not; we've only dabbled in creatine and protein, but steroids can be taken numerous ways. Under your tongue is a viable entry point into the body, as is through the rubbing of a cream. Think of steroids like cocaine, or any other drug. You use cocaine without snorting it. Same with shooting heroin. We've seen a friend snort Tylenol before, but we wouldn't advise it. Getting a Tylenol-induced nosebleed to clot is no one's idea of a fun Saturday night.

Anyway, Sheffield condemned the Yankess treatment of black players, but said he didn't believe Joe Torre to be a racist. He made a point of emphasizing that Derek Jeter was half-black, half-white, so he didn't understand the pressures and problems Sheffield faced in the clubhouse. But the best moment of the entire evening (except for the segment featuring a one-eyed golf prodigy) was Kramer's relentless prodding of Sheffield about his contact with George Mitchell concerning MLB's steroid investigation.

Kramer asked if Sheffield had been approached by Mitchell to talk about steroids. Sheffield said he wasn't sure, that maybe his business manager would know. Kramer then asked someone offscreen if they could verify whether or not his business manager had been contacted. Sheffield, eyes bugging, asked the same person the same question, in much the manner a boyfriend asks a girlfriend "did you see anything weird at the party tonight?"

His business manager had received a letter from Mitchell, which was "news" to Sheffield. Uh huh. We believe you Sheff. We believe that you believe.

Ryan Howard will not be getting an iPhone

As if Ryan Howard's two bombs in the Phillies butchering of the Dodgers yesterday wasn't enough, the reigning NL MVP is pouring it on. Courtesy of The 700 Level, we've discovered that Howard's teaming up with Verizon, a.k.a. Satan. We can't lie, we're Verizon customers. We get both our cell phone and DSL service through them. We hate both, but a contract's a contract and we have to honor that contract. There's no franchise tag in telecommunication.

But we can't blame Howard, although this probably precludes him from getting an iPhone, or at least using it in public. He doesn't want a Jessica Simpson-type controversy on his hands. And we can't mention this without pointing to a delicious quote from the Verizon marketing tool spearheading this little business venture.

"Just as Ryan brings the power of his bat to the ball park every game, Verizon brings the power of its unequalled network to its customers every day."

Verizon, like He-Man, has the power. It's the network, my ass.

Mike Vick Media Day is in full effect, folks

Go ahead, try and escape it, if you can. We woke up this morning, knowing full well the media blitz would be in full swing. Sportscenter can't stop slobbering over the story. Jemele Hill and Skip Bayless actually agreed that the indictment looks pretty incriminating. We think Lifetime may have run a clip of Vick flipping off fans in between episodes of Frasier and Will & Grace. We can't confirm any of this, of course, but we sure think it's likely.

The best explanation we've seen of what kind of legal battle Vick actually faces comes from ESPN's Lester Munson, although you can chat with ESPN legal analyst Roger Cossack in a little over an hour, if you're into the law. Personally, we had our fill of prudence and torts in college, so we'll just roll with Munson. Our favorite line of story, naturally, is one of the first ones, when Munson answers his own question.

[What do these federal charges mean for Michael Vick?

Vick is in real trouble. He is up against the might and majesty of the U.S. government with all of its agents, all of its investigative techniques, and all of its skilled prosecutors.]

Seems like just a bit of government tit suckling going on there, no? We love our country just as much as anybody, but we no longer associate its government with words like "might" and "majesty." We prefer FEMA. At any rate, the story basically says that if Vick's convicted he's going to jail, he'd better hope no one rolls over on him, conspiracy charges are a bitch, and his trial will likely begin before the end of the calendar year.

Does this mean no Vick in the playoffs? Yeah, we're pretty sure it does.

Stick a fork in the Falcons, cuz they're done

Michael Vick, pictured above, will probably not be playing in the NFL this season. He was just indicted on two charges stemming from his involvement in that dogfighting ring mess. Nasty stuff. The Atlanta Falcons will most likely feature Joey Harrington or the recently cut Duante Culpepper behind center. Poor Bobby Petrino. Even in the pool of mediocrity that is the NFC, the Falcons' playoffs hopes probably just went down the shitter.

Yep, Benoit was on the juice.

This story pretty much confirms it. Once again, this is an awful, almost incomprehensible tragedy that just may doom the WWE. But we can't really stomach it any longer.

Come, let us celebrate the misery of the Pirates

Being that we're still in our mid-20's, our earliest tangible memories of the game of baseball are the time we accidentally hit our catcher in the teeth with an aluminum bat and the early-90s wars waged between the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Atlanta Braves. Doug Drabek. Sid Bream. MLB playoff commercials on CBS that actually made you think, "Holy shit. I HAVE to see this game." For our money, this was baseball at its finest - and the Cardinals weren't even all that good. To help us remember just how old we are now, the writers at Bugs and Cranks have created a video commemorating how much our world has changed since the Pirates last had a winner.

Thanks to Deadspin for the link. And, as always, we blame Barry Bonds.

Snack cake? Shove it up your ass!

Sports
A final four? In college football? [NY Post]
Gisele and Brady, no party on her birthday. [NY Daily News]
Matt Leinart is not cool with Peyton Manning [Sports by Brooks]
Jason Kendall's not the answer Cubbies. [Cobra Brigade]

Movies
My, how The Princess Bride stars have aged. [ABC News]
Javier Bardem is the master. [IFC]
Questions posed by the summer movie season. [Salty Stix]
Christian Bale, crazy, crazy man. [LA Weekly]

TV
What to expect on Entourage. [TV Guide]
The Office isn't kidding about giving you more show. [Zap 2 It]
Aaron Sorkin, falling on the Studio 60 sword. [LA Times]
Is Jay Leno making a move to primetime? [Media Post]

What would your memoir be called?

Nikki Sixx, the Motley Crue bassist when the penchant for the needle, has a memoir forthcoming with a title that just tickles us silly: Heroin Diaries. A little too on the head, no? But it got us thinking, what would the memoirs of some of today's most successful athletes and entertainers be called? We're taking a few shots in the dark:

Kobe Bryant - She wanted it, and other tales of how I was wronged.

Brad Pitt - Sure, she has great tits, but how many kids this bitch need?

Tom Brady - "She has my bastard in her belly": How three rings turned my life into a circus.

Michael Barrett - Four years and they didn't even let me keep the mask.

Matthew "Talented Mr. Roto" Berry - Stephen Jackson, karoake girl, and other bad decisions...

Matthew McConaughey - Shirtless: How I parlayed a cheesy mustache into a lucrative career.

Newspapers - Fuck you Internet!

James Blunt - Panty Raid: Pasty white guys built like girls can get some, too.

Mark Prior - We'll always have 2003...

Sarah Silverman - Danica Patrick made me do it.

It's NCAA 2008 day!

Not sure if everyone remembered or not, but today is a pretty big day in the sports video game world. NCAA Football 2008 is now available at a gaming outlet near you. Personally, we only put in a solid month of NCAA before moving on to Madden, but for what it's worth, this is still a near-holiday.

Michael Wilbon: hide your women

Following up on advice dispensed by The Big Lead this morning, we embarked on a Google image search for Michael Wilbon. Damn. The man, in addition to having a choice gig, gets into more snapshots with tight asses than Kornheiser has hairs on his head. Here are a few of our favorites.


Wilbon with an aspiring female journalist. He was born to teach.


Um...is that woman on the right who we think it is?


What can we say, he's an equal oportunist.


It's a little fuzzy, but that is indeed a foursome.


Careful boys, she's a pusher, and we don't mean in the drug sense.