This weekend in sports

Look, we're going to level with you: It's approaching 90 degrees today in Santa Monica, we're getting off early in a couple hours, and all the NBA Draft talk and analysis has sapped most of what mental energy we had left. But we're going to leave you with what you can check out on the tube this weekend if you're not, you know, going to spend it getting sunburnt in between viewings of the new Die Hard and Michael Moore doc. NFL Europe is done for, both literally and figuratively, so at least that frees up some time, right?

Tonight

Mets at Phillies (7:05 P.M. ET, MLB.TV)
- The second half of a day/night doubleheader. The Mets are absolutely mowing them down in the first game, so you might want to bet the Phillies in the nightcap.

America's Game (9 P.M. ET, NFLN)
- The 1984 49ers are under the microscope here, with Gene Hackman providing the vocals. This is the team that kicked the shit out of Dan Marino, if you were wondering.

Padres at Dodgers (10:40 P.M. ET, MLB.TV)
- One a game separates these NL West titans, but tonight one of the NL's best pitchers (Young) faces one of the NL's worst (Kuo).

Saturday

ESPN Classic Ringside (2 P.M. ET, ESPN Classic)
- A dissection of Mike Tyson's early fights, when he would've killed anyone.

Brewers at Cubs (3:55 P.M. ET, FOX)
- Ben Sheets faces the NL Central's second-place team at Wrigley. We smell either a shutout or a knockout.

Nationals at Pirates (7:05 P.M. ET, MLB.TV)
- Watch this with ten of your friends - you'll double the audience.

Sunday

NFL Replay (1 P.M. ET, NFLN)
- A condensced re-airing of the Bengals/Chargers week 16 matchup where they tried to see who could get to 50 first.

Cardinals at Reds (1:15 P.M. ET, MLB.TV)
- It's our Cardinals' turn to pummel Homer Bailey! We love him.

Twins at Tigers (8:05 P.M. ET, ESPN)
- The Twins need to make their run soon, because the Tigers and the Indians are starting to run away with this thing.

"It must've had a heart attack."

Sorry for the obscure reference to The Distinguished Gentleman, a mostly forgettable early-'90s Eddie Murphy vehicle, but that was all we could think of when we saw the trailer for The Hunting Party. It's based on the true story of three journalists who travel to Bosnia to cover the anniversary of the war, only to end up tailing the world's greatest war criminal. Now you see where the title comes from, though we still don't entirely get it. Oh well, we'll see anything with Terence Howard in it. Even Four Brothers.

We've seen that Noah pic, and we're not running it...

Sports
Tom Brady does make a few mistakes, doesn't he? [Nation of Islam]
Will Woody Paige discuss this on Around the Horn? [The Big Lead]
Holy crap, Carl Monday is at it again. [Clevescene]
Colin Cowherd does not approve this message. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Movies
Transformers is coming to crush you, Die Hard. [The Hot Button]
Robert McKee, not universally loved after all. [The Guardian]
Cate Blancett as Queen Elizabeth - again. [MSN]
Is Michael Moore really a robot? [Media Whore]

TV
So, just how bad is that show Burn Notice? [TV Squad]
No worries, Denis Leary's co-workers have his back. [Boston Herald]
Ice-T is the latest person who doesn't deserve a reality series to get one. [All Hip-Hop]
That Paris Hilton interview didn't grab too many viewers. [WA Post]

Well, at least we're better off than the Sports Guy...

Our take on last night's NBA Draft in 10 quick thoughts:

1.) The Blazers would be a Finals team right now - if they played in the East.
- Seriously, Oden and Roy are as good as you'll find at their age and, considering the premium placed on the positions they play, how can you argue with GM Kevin Pritchard's thinking? We'll even forgive him for giving away Randolph to the Knicks for Channing Frye and a Snickers.

2.) The Sonics duped the Celtics - big time.
- Giving away an aging star - who's coming off ankle surgery, btw - for one in the making (Jeff Green) and a couple bit players who might help you win this year is always nice. Oh, and they got the guy who'll keep the team in Seattle with the number two pick. Excellent.

3.) The Hawks made the safe, uninspired, yet correct choice.
- Billy Knight got the point guard he's been missing (Acie Law IV) and a power forward who should be a 20-10 guy in the East in a few years (Al Horford). Atlanta's still a couple seasons away from making any noise, but they didn't set themselves back at all last night. That's a step in the right direction.

4.) Milwaukee is Benoit-style crazy if they think Yi is going to play there.
- Yi will never step on the court for a regular-season game wearing a Bucks jersey. Mark it down. Here's hoping they had that in mind when they sent that card up to Stern.

5.) MJ still can't run a draft.
- Jason Richardson, huh? Because that's just what this team needs. Stephen A. Smith nearly collapsed when this one was announced.

6.) The Bulls didn't get who we wanted, but we had no idea who we wanted.
- Noah would have been the top pick had he come out last year, so you could say it's a steal. But what the hell do the Bulls need him for? How many points is he going to score? What kind of difference does he make? How different is he from Ty Thomas? Too many questions, we say. But, then again, we could be the Celtics.

7.) Ray Allen is a Celtic. Ray Allen and Paul Pierce in the same lineup.
- Now this was funny. Reading this, and laughing at his pain was just as funny.

8.) The Kings have Spencer Hawes and Brad Miller.
- Apparently, you can't run casinos and NBA franchises at the same time, or else you end up with a slew of tall, ineffective white men.

9.) The Clippers didn't take Nick Young.
- We thought he would have been great there. Al Thornton will be solid, but how can you pass on the USC guy there?

10.) The Phoenix Suns can't...afford...anyone.
- Alando Tucker in the first round? Seems a bit high to us. Doesn't Phoenix already have enough scoring off the bench?

Is Entourage about to jump the shark? Or has it already?

We must confess to being torn where HBO's meta-Hollywood comedy Entourage is concerned. The series premiered during our senior year of college and we thought the show was brilliant. Edgy, sarcastic, insider-y, and it somehow made us think the guy from Drive Me Crazy was a credible actor. At the time, it was one of our favorite shows, though nothing was going to touch Arrested Development.

Now, three years later, the show is a shell of its former self. We can't separate Jeremy Piven from his character anymore, Adrien Grenier really is just as good an actor as Vincent Chase, and E's so-called knowlege about the "industry" is no longer believable. We felt this slide began with the very end of season one, what was to become known as the "Aquaman and Mandy Moore saga."

We always thought we were alone in feeling this way. Our friends still swear by it as must-see viewing. Frankly, we find Flight of the Conchords a lot more inventive and fun, without any of the ego. Well, we're not alone anymore. Those geniuses over at the Onion's AV Club have summed up our thoughts on the show's decline perfectly. Here's an excerpt:

"At first I was merely disappointed that the show wasn’t living up to my expectations but after just a few episodes I came to a disconcerting realization: Entourage is kinda awful. I previously always liked the lightness of Adrien Grenier’s lead performance, the way he breezed through scenes so effortlessly. But the more I watched, the more I came to realize that Grenier is a terrible fucking actor."

"I hesitate to say that I’ve outgrown Entourage because that implies emotional growth and/or superiority and I’m not about to make big claims on either count. But I no longer derive much pleasure from watching the show, beyond a trainwreck fascination as it plunges deeper and deeper into self-parody. Seriously, what the fuck’s up with the ridiculous make-up Vinnie was wearing to play Pablo Escobar? Am I the only one who thought he was a dead ringer for Andy Kaufman’s boorish alter-ego Tony Clifton?"

"I used to look forward to hanging with Vinnie and pals but, at the risk of sounding pretentious or elitist, I probably wouldn’t be friends in real life with people who spend substantially more time partying with supermodels than reading books. Or scripts. Or Marmaduke cartoons. Or anything really. In that respect the show is an accurate reflection of L.A: let’s just say that The L.A Times is the only major newspaper whose book review section covers only pop-up and coloring books."

Perfect. Just perfect.

Was Spike Lee wasted at the draft?

Yeah, we're pretty sure he was.

The Bulls gets Noah, Stephen A. Smith screams...

It's still early out here on the West Coast and we're still in shock that the Bulls drafted the ugliest and worst-dressed player featured in last night's draft. So,for now we'll just say this: at least Gordon and Hinrich won't have any competition for the ladies of the Windy City.

More to come later.

Unhand me, woman!

This might be the best thing we've seen online in some time, and it proves there is some hope for the American media system yet. But wait, the smug assholes alongside Mika Brzezinski ridicule her for ripping MSNBC's decision to lead off their NEWS broadcast with another Paris Hilton update. One even says - he actually says this - "Unhand me woman!" when Brzezinski touches his hand as he grabs her notes. Way to promote the male agenda there, douchebags.

T.J, T.J., T.J. Who's Your Momma?

The time is almost upon us, nerds: fantasy football season. Training camp doesn't begin for another month, but that doesn't mean anything to us. This year we're excited because our keeper is - who else? - Peyton Manning, who we shrewdly traded Donovan McNabb and Willis McGahee for at the outset of last season. Was it a good move? It's debatable. McNabb played at an MVP level for the first half of the season and McGahee was decent enough, but Manning ended up second overall in fantasy points and sliding our No. 3 back, Chester Taylor, into McGahee's slot worked out just fine.

We didn't win the league, of course. We were steamrolled in the first round of the playoffs by the guy with LT, like most players in fantasy leagues. But LT's not going to score 30+ TD's this year, friends. We've hatched a full-proof plan that has to work. Here's our strategy:

Pre-draft: Plop 20-pack of Heineken on center of draft table. Leaguemates don't drink high quality beer often. Two or three and their decisions begin to faulter.

Round one: We have the ninth pick in a snake draft. Bugger. We'll take Rudi Johnson, he of the yearly 1,200 yards and 12 TD's. He's reliable and boring. In other words, what we want our team to stand for.

Round two: We say fuck last season and grab Edgerrin James, even though he hasn't broken a run for more than 20 yards since we were in college.

Round three: Everyone else is afraid to touch Terrell Owens. Not us. We'll gladly fondle him - until he drops his first long pass. Then we're trading him straight up for Mike Furrey.

Round four: Randy Moss or Andre Johnson. Both should have been taken by now. One plays for the Texans. We'll take the other guy.

Round five: We grab Santana Moss, who screwed us over last year. What can we say, we're gluttons for punishment.

Round six: Mike Furrey. We don't know why.

Round seven: The Packers' starting RB may very well end up being Brandon Jackson. We cross our fingers, then pick him.

Round eight: The Titans' starting RB may very well end up being Chris Henry. We cross our toes, then pick him.

Round nine: Fuck it, if no one's going to do it, we're taking the Ravens' D.

Round ten: Ronald Curry from the Raiders. Big-time reach, but who else do they have on that team?

Round eleven: Drew Bennett, because you can't go wrong having two white WR's on your team.

Round twelve: Rex Grossman, on a lark, because we want no one else to have the sex cannon.

Round thirteen: Kicker time. Adam V is ours.

Round fourteen: Greg Olsen. Rookie TE's are a crapshoot, but shitty QB's always look for the saftey valve, right?

Round fifteen: Slit wrists

Just because John Stamos could kick your ass...

Sports
Peep this, the Kobe video. [AOL Fanhouse]
The craziest fantasy baseball league - ever. [Why Don't We Get Drunk and Blog?]
Small-market revenue sharing in the NFL. Why can't baseball make this work? [Stampede Blue]
Do not piss off Billy Beane. [Athletics Nation]

Movies
The first Harry Potter review we've seen. [London Times]
Rupert Murdoch is doing something fishy with the Chinese. [NY Times]
Pac Man: The Movie, starring no strippers. [YouTube]
How to review a movie you haven't seen. [Didn't See It]

TV
Hopefully, the final word on The Sopranos' finale. [Bob Harris]
Studio 60 is coming to DVD, because that's the only place people will watch it. [TV Shows on DVD]
The worst commericals ever. Where's John Mellencamp? [Maxim Online]
That Two-a-Days high school is in trouble. Tsk, tsk. [SI.com]

Your Live Free or Die Hard opening-day numbers

We'll admit it, we're a bit obsessed with this new Die Hard movie. As big fans of the first three installments, we want it to be good and we want it to do well - we just don't have faith in either. And Live Free or Die Hard doing just a shade over $9 million on its opening day doesn't exactly curb our fears. Sure, $9 million sounds like a lot for a Wednesday in late June, but it's only the 27th biggest Wednesday opening in history. It's sandwiched between Legally Blonde 2 and something called Cats & Dogs on the all-time chart. Neither of those films went on to gross $100 million domestically.

Uh oh. We're not sure what the production budget was on this Die Hard, but you can bet it's the most expensive of the series. That's not a good sign when you look back at the domestic box office vs. the money put into the first three.

Die Hard - $88 million on a $28 million production budget (keep in mind this is 1988).
Die Hard 2 - $117 million on a $70 million production budget.
Die Hard: With a Vengeance - $100 on a $90 million production budget.

As you can see, there's a pattern of diminishing return. This one looks poised to top out around $90 - 95 million. Like we said before, uh oh.

No more in-game at bats, everyone

Frank Thomas finally did it, cracking his 500th home run today against the Twins. Oddly enough, the Metdrodome is where the Big Hurt hit his first major league home run, way, way back in 1990. Good for him, and good for us, because watching him strike out every time ESPN cut to his at bats was becoming painful. Next up for the 500 club, A-Rod, Jim Thome and Manny Ramirez.

What the fuck, chief?

Spoiler Alert!

If you haven't watched last night's Rescue Me yet, you probably won't want to read this particular post. But hey, if you're reading this, chances are you're probably a fan of the show and can't wait until the day after to watch. So, without further suspense (unlike the NBA Draft):

Chief Reilly put a bullet in his brain at the end of last night's episode. He's dead. For real this time, not like the near-fatal heart attack he suffered mid-coitus last season.

Go ahead, take a moment. Good. Let's move on.

We always liked the chief's character, he was a calming presence in the face of the overflowing machismo that often floods the firehouse, but we're kind of glad he's finally gone. Truthfully, with his wife's vacant brain, his affair with he and his wife's longtime friend, his sexual adventure with the Jamaican woman, and his gay son's marriage - his character has run its course. There was no where left to take him.

That's why this episode set the stage for the his exit. The chief, an insurance risk after his heart attack, was essentially exiled from the FDNY. He was stuck pushing papers in an office, and with no wife or the guys from his team, he had nothing left. The actor who portrays him, Jack McGee, sees things a little differently, and in a revealing interview with Television Without Pity he lets his feelings be known.

"Tell me, how does the only guy [on the series], the guy who always does the right thing, a stand-up guy with all the other guys, the guy everybody goes to when they have a problem, the guy who stood by his wife after she developed Alzheimer's, go off and take his life?"

McGee says the character might have considered suicide after losing his dream job, but he wouldn't have followed through, because he was a tough, adaptable man with a wife who depended on him. "My own true feeling is, I think the wrong character killed himself," McGee says, referring to Gavin.

Beyond that, McGee objects to his treatment by Leary: "I want to walk away from this as clean as possible, but I'm not gonna sugarcoat it."

Friction in the fictional firehouse, huh? We can't say it surprises us. If you've ever seen Denis Leary's stand-up act (and if you haven't, Netflix it immediately), it's not a stretch to think he'd be difficult to work with. Funny, this never seems to happen when characters are killed off on Lost.

Well, there goes all the suspense

Leave it to ESPN to once again kill viewing interest in a draft by spilling the shit the night before. Oden's going number one. Yay. Remember back, to the night before the 2006 NFL Draft, when they so kindly gave us the revelation that the Houston Texans were selecting Mario Williams with the first overall pick? That was nice of them. Imagine the "oh shit" moment that would have came with Tagliabue stepping to the stage to announce that without anyone knowing. You think Dolphin fans' reaction to the Ted Ginn pick this year was bad, imagine watching one franchise being destroyed and another lifted up - in real time!

It's not enough that Chris Berman and his bedfellows ruin every pick of the NFL Draft for us (way to pan to Greg Olsen putting on a Bears hat with three minutes left on the clock, jackasses), but now the biggest question left in what is now the NBA's biggest night has been firmly answered. Now, what do we have left to look forward to? Watching the Hawks finally draft a point guard? The Celtics further driving the stake through their fans hearts? The Bulls somehow, inexplicably, refusing to acquire a low-post scorer?

That's all well and good, but until now we could have at least hoped for a shocker at the top of the draft. Fuck that, ESPN says. If it's not on our network - or even if it is! - we don't like surprises. Thanks. We're going to go cancel that custom Trailblazers jersey order.

Peyton Manning was here, and we weren't even ready

We'll level with you, it can be rough being a Colts fan in LA. The Colts aren't like the Patriots, the Bears, the Steelers or the Giants. We have no place out here where we can gather with fellow Horse fans and rejoice in their victory (well, 75 percent of the time). Hell, the only time last year we were rooting alongside more than just the girlfriend at a bar was when we were cheering on the Patriots against the Chargers. Yes, we felt dirty and no, we don't want to discuss it. Although, if that guy with the thunderbolt shaved into his head is reading this, we totally jinxed you, you saucy bitch.

That's why it disheartens us to read that Peyton Manning was in LA yesterday filming a commercial and he made time - or asked for, what's the difference? - to work out with USC QB John David Booty and his receivers. What, no time for us? Come on, P! He even gave Booty some tips on his footwork and throwing motion. Is it going to make Booty a top-10 pick? Not likely, we see Booty as more of a Brady Quinn than a Carson Palmer. He doesn't seem to have that "it" quality that great college QBs who become solid pros do. But the help can't hurt. And we thought Joey Harrington was going to be the next Joe Montana so what the fuck do we know?

We know this: Manning thinks he has the two best receivers in the NFL. We tend to agree with him, but we wouldn't kick Steve Smith or Chad Johnson outta bed for crossing goallines.

Couldn't we all use a little more Shannon Sharpe in our lives?

This isn't the funniest YouTube video we've seen - not even today - but it fills the void in hearts right now, the void that Shannon Sharpe normally occupies. Sharpe is a horrible broadcaster, but immensely entertaining because of his lack of coherence, insight, or regard for his coworkers. Our favorite Shannon Sharper quote, of course, is in reference to the Colts' defense after their week 14 meltdown in Jacksonville last year.

"There are enough boards and planks at Home Depot to fix what's wrong with that defense."

Perhaps Shannon should stick to golf tips?

Let your freak flag fly!

Sports
An unabashed expression of love for Derek Jeter. [The Win Column]
Simmons vs. Cowherd, this keeps on happening. [The Big Lead]
The toughest athlete in the world is...Justine Henin? [Frank Deford]
Who the Bulls gettin? Who the Bulls gettin? [USA Today]

Movies
Um...at least someone hates the new Die Hard. [The Hot Button]
Michael Bay still sucks, no matter what he says. [The Electric New Paper]
What's in a one-liner, anyway? [Slate]
A bad movie, is a bad movie, is a bad movie. [Pick-Up Flix]

TV
TV violence is going all the way to the top! [LA Times]
Portia de Rossi's playing a lesbian on TV, film at 4 a.m. [Reuters]
The WWE is not sorry about that Benoit tribute. [WA Post]
Someone's still watching On the Lot. [TV Squad]

Might Live Free or Die Hard actually be good?

So, you have the PG-13 rating, the absence of Sam Jackson (the utimate McClane teammate), the director of Underworld overseeing the action - and did we mention the PG-13 rating? How can this latest Die Hard possibly be even passable, let alone recommendable? We refuse to believe this. But that's what the critics are saying. Damn them. We used to make our (destitute) living as a film reviewer, so we have more respect for their opinions than most, but we're still baffled.

Yet, here's the proof:

"Inevitable lapses in plausibility and an inflated two-hour, nine-minute running time aside, "Live Free or Die Hard" is a slick and efficient piece of action entertainment, fast moving with energetic stunt work and nice thriller moves."
- LA Times

"The latest "Die Hard" film, the first in a dozen years, is the best in the series, an invigorating return to the style of blockbuster that dominated summers back in the early 1990s."
- SF Chronicle

"There is something very satisfying in this digital age about an action film where CGI doesn't overwhelm, actors are in great physical shape and huge spaces are actual sets rather than virtual environments."
- H-Wood Reporter

"At a time when the action genre has come to be dominated by sleek, matte surfaces and set-'em-and-forget-'em computerized effects, Live Free or Die Hard seeks to remind viewers of the simple, nostalgic pleasures of watching stuff get blown up and bad guys get smoked."
- WA Post

"Gets the action job done and you better believe that Bruce is still the man."
- Rolling Stone

This all sounds pretty fucking insane to us, but LFODH's current Metacritic rating is a strong 71. That'll likely come down in the next few days as more reviews start to roll out, but for now color us completely flustered.

The Barry Bonds fan club loses a key member

Did anyone else realize Barry Bonds' son, the one who trolls around home plate celebrating his father's home runs, was named Nikolai? How could we have missed this? We know we haven't been at this blogging thing very long, but this seems like a pretty giant lapse on our part. No matter, because Bonds' kid's recent misfortune is proof enough for us that he'd never make it on the Soviet Olympic team anyway.

Nikolai Bonds tore two ligaments in his left ankle last week when he dunked during a pickup basketball game and came down on someone's foot -- and now the 17-year-old is hobbling around the clubhouse in a walking boot for the initial stage of what is expected to be a two-month recovery.

We've come down on someone else's foot several times while playing hoops, and we've sprained many an ankle, but never torn anything. Bonds, notorious (alleged) steroid user, not only has a son named Nikolai, but he's tearing ligaments before this 18th birthday. You know how they say some stories write themselves? W're pretty sure this is one of those.

Oh, and in case we forgot to mention it, this means Nikolai may not be in uniform as the Giants bat boy when his dad breaks Hank Aaron's record. Though at the rate Bonds is going, we're pretty sure Nikolai could have shattered both femurs and he'd still make it back in time.

The new Indy is officially under way

Wondering what the hell happened on the first day of shooting of the new Indiana Jones movie? Steven Spielberg, delightful director that he is, has posted some footage from the first day of shooting on the film's site. It's not terribly exciting, but if you love Indy like we do, you'll find it's work a look.

The Pretty Boy ain't done yet

We'll admit, we were more than underwhelmed by the De La Hoya-Mayweather fight (if it hadn't cost us $65 maybe we'd see things differently), but today's news that Floyd Mayweather Jr. - the best pound-for-pound boxer on the planet - isn't hanging up the gloves yet thrills us. He doesn't like that British knockout artist Ricky Hatton has been saying some unsavory things about Floyd in the press lately.

"I was retired but I'll sign to fight Hatton right now. I've tried to let the things he said about me slide by, but now he's 'dissing' me on national TV and I want to shut him up. I've never wanted to hurt an opponent like I do Hatton."

Yes! Look, we've tried to give MMA a shot, but something about all that buildup for two minutes of action you can't even see that clearly has kept our feet firmly on the ground as far as that bandwagon is concerned. We watched Hatton destroy Jose Luis Castillo Saturday, and we think he can give Mayweather something he sorely needs - a strong punch to the face.

We've always wanted to know what Mayweather would do if really punished. How big a heart does he have? We know he has fantastic skills, but we've always questioned his power. Hatton has power and youth, one of which Mayweather's last oppponent (who shall remain nameless) sorely lacked. The anticipation is building, and Jim Lampley's shorts are stained.

Lions for Lambs, Tom Cruise comeback vehicle?

Despite the rehashed Requiem for a Dream music and the roughly 40-second running time, this preview for Lions for Lambs, a Tom Cruise/Meryl Streep/Robert Redford political corruption drama, manages to show us...nothing. We know it's about a war and that a senator, a journalist and a professor are involved. Beyond that...bupkis. Oh well, it's still fun to think of Tom Cruise as a senator. Can you imagine? And we think Christians run the country. The Scientologists in control? The possibilities are endless...

About that tribute...

It's confirmed, Benoit did it, with his hands, in the family room - and the cops found steroids in the house. We hate to speculate, but anyone not coming to the conclusion that he killed them in a roid-induced rage, then committed suicide after realizing what he'd done obviously doesn't think the way we think. The WWE is trying to make the public forget a three-hour tribute to Benoit was ever aired. Too late. Commenters on the ESPN story are rabid, per usual.

JayWein555 - what an a s s he deserves no tribute, or no recognition he should burn in hell

nyrfan1026 - wow.. and in the other espn conversation thing on the other article about this story people were praising the man and saying what a great person he was... wow those people feel pretty stupid right about now huh

moyle360 - Guess he couldn't handle the shame of jobbing to MVP in straight falls.

mshawgo - After seeing the comments on the previous story from fans saying how great he was, this was what I expected to hear. They had said no guns were involved so i figured a guy his size could kill his family with his bare hands and then hang himself. I sure hope we don't have any more comments in support of him. Nice job with that Tribute WWE, making yourselves look even dumber, I didn't know that was even possible. Didn't I hear they faked McMahon's death recently? Dumb, dumb, dumb. Just maybe this will signal the end of this "sport". Burn in hell Benoit. RIP to his wife and son.

btltech - Another reason to never watch this makeshift "sport". Real nice that a man that size kills his own son. Coward.

Oh, and apparently Colin Cowherd said some things about the story this morning that have upset quite a few listeners. We're not sure what they were, but we imagine they have something to do with steroids. Can't really fault him for that.

All pro wrestlers are batshit crazy, no?

Sports
Since everyone else is doing it: obscure cereal boxes. [Deuce of Davenport]
Athletes who lived hard, died young. [Doberman on the Diamond]
Jeff Suppan vs. Mike Maroth. It's a draw. [Viva El Birdos]
MLB's breakout team, with Chris Shelton nowhere in sight. [The Feed]

Movies
A "best war movie" list including Troy. No, seriously. [The Big Lead]
This blog's name just about sums up its movie lists. [The Sophomore Critic]
Suc-, breaking down Batman's movie nip-, fashion. [Batman-on-Film]
From Deadwood to Die Hard, and back again. [NY Daily News]

TV
Ooooo, Battlestar Galactica. [TV Week]
Jimmy Kimmel, appendix-free and back on the beat. [People]
When TV shows battle puberty, who can possibly win? [Yahoo! News]
That whole Nicky Leotardo/Sopranos finale rumor was bogus, after all. [DM News]

Royalties killed the Internet radio star (sorry, it's too easy)

If you're like us and spend a sizable portion of your workday blogging and listening to Internet radio, you may be feeling a little empty today. This is why. Apparently, there's an impending online radio royalty increase in the works - one that could cripple the medium - and Internet radio webmasters across the nation are staging a "day of silence" today to protest. Good for them. It sucks that we have nothing to listen to now but sports talk, but if it saves Internet radio for us - and for our children! - we're more than willing to cope.

Just how full of shit is Jon Kitna?

Because the NFL season is still far off in the distance (the Super Bowl champs kick things off Sep. 6, if you didn't know), any piece of pro football news captures the media's minds this time of year. Case in point: Jon Kitna going on the radio and predicting the Lions will win 10 games in 2007. It's not uncommon for a team's leader to express undying faith in his troops, and the Lions did just draft perhaps the most physically impressive wide receiver ever to enter the NFL. But the Lions haven't won 10 games since 1995, when Barry Sanders was regularly running into eight defenders stacked against him, yet somehow still ripping off 100-yard games.

We don't begrudge Kitna. He has reason for optimism. Calvin Johnson, NFC defenses willing, should have one of the more impressive rookie seasons in recent history. Roy Williams, Johnson's WR battery mate, caught 82 balls for more than 1,300 yards last season. Even Kitna, the former Barcelona Dragon legend, threw for 4,200 yards and 21 TDs in 2006. And we haven't even mentioned the stable of running backs the Lions are stockpiling. Kevin Jones, Tatum Bell, T.J. Duckett, all who've carried the ball 197 times or more in a season.

Not to go all Coltspeak on you, but this reminds us of the 1999 Indianapolis team that stil holds the record for biggest single-season turnaround in NFL history, going from 3-13 to 13-3. That team added an impact rookie (Edgerrin James), relied on a running back who was also a viable weapon in the passing game (James, again), and benefitted from a talented QB who was in his second year in a complex offense (Peyton Manning).

Now, we're not saying that Calvin Johnson, Kevin Jones and Jon Kitna are going to duplicate the miraculous turnaround James and Manning helped trigger, but couldn't they fall somewhere in between? In the miserable NFC North, the Lions are a lock to lose one division game (at Chicago), but we don't see why they don't have a puncher's chance in the other seven. We'll say they go 4-4 in the division. Their non-division opponents in 2007 include the Raiders, the Bucs, the Cardinals, the Redskins and the Chiefs. We see them winning three of those games. They also play the Broncos, Chargers, Eagles and Cowboys. They beat the Cowboys last year. Why can't they upset a more talented team again?

What we're saying is that we think, in the crapstream that is the NFC, the Lions are an 8-8 team. So is Jon Kitna crazy for thinking he can lead them to 10 wins? Yes - but he's not as bonkers as you think.

In defense of James Blunt (no, really)

Now, we're not music snobs by any means, even though we often look down on others for liking such dribble as "My Humps" or Carrie Underwood. We won't pound your ears by trumpeting that The White Stripes' Icky Thump is, like, the greatest album of the millenium. But we will refuse to believe that James Blunt's "Your Beautiful" is the most irritating song ever, despite its winning that esteemed distinction from a recent poll. It's a British poll, so it's no surprise Blunt is a target. We in the States might not realize this, but when Blunt rose to prominence here in the fall of 2005 he'd already been a success across the pond for a year. Obviously, after three years of the stuff, the Brits have had quite enough.

We can understand their position, but we - don't laugh, you fucks! - actually really like James Blunt. His debut album, Back to Bedlam is soulful and catchy, and the lyrics are a lot smarter than you'd think, especially if you listen to more than just "You're Beautiful." Was his breakout his overplayed? Definitely. Was it his fault? Hell no, so take it up with someone else (we suggest FM radio and VH1 programmers). Besides, how can "You're Beautiful" possibly be more irritating than "My Heart Will Go On" or anything by Los Del Rio?

Pro Wrestler Chris Benoit (allegedly) kills wife, son, then self

Honestly, this story kind of sickens us, because not only is it awful, but we once considered ourselves fans of the WWE wrestler at the center of it. Chris Benoit, also known as the crippler (because he once broke a fellow wrestler's neck), apparently strangled both his wife and his son over the weekend, then hanged himself. USA Network, scrambling last night to replace their reguarly scheduled Monday Night Raw programming, aired a three-hour tribute to Benoit that may come back to haunt them as the gruesome details of this investigation come to light.

We don't really have much else to say about this, as it's already being covered in great detail by bloggers and traditional media alike, so we'll close with this: We always liked watching Chris Benoit. He was a graceful, gritty performer who consistently entertained us throughout our younger years. Our hearts go out to his remaining children. What a creepy thing to write - remaining children.

Oh, just for some perspective, we know that pro wrestling is fake, but look at how many of its performers have died prematurely over the past two decades (thanks to The Big Lead for the link). Sad, just sad.

Brett Ratner, slowly killing us all

Not that we didn't love his appearance on On the Lot or his Rush Hour films, because we totally did and do, but Brett Ratner really isn't our favorite working director. Top five? Sure. Let's see, there's Scorsese, Mann, Fincher, Spielberg and...Ratner. That works. And we couldn't be more excited about his latest project, a biopic of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner called...Playboy. Apparently, super producer Brian Grazer secured the rights to Hef's life story years ago and originally intended to film it as a musical. No dice. Then Oliver Stone took a couple stabs at a screenplay. Didn't take.

No problem. Ratner and writer John Hoffman have come up with a version of his life that Hef approved and the project should begin shooting soon. We hope, when the time comes for Hollywood to make our movie, that we get script approval.

Tank Johnson - he gone!

After a long legal ordeal overshadowed only by the Pacman Jones saga, the Bears waived Tank Johnson today. This pleases us to no end, as we always thought the NFL and a manipulative courts system bent the rules to make the Super Bowl more competitive by allowing Johnson to travel to Miami and play in the game. It ended up not mattering, as the Colts creamed the Bears anyway. But good for the Bears for doing something they should have done last season. We imagine they are hoping to no end that Tommie Harris stays healthy this year.

At any rate, Bears GM Jerry Angelo sounds uber-pissed in an announcement made on the team's site. In reference to Tank being pulled over for impaired driving last week in Arizona:

"He compromised the credibility of our organization. We made it clear to him that he had no room for error. Our goal was to help someone through a difficult period in his life, but the effort needs to come from both sides. It didn't, and we have decided to move on."

As always, some team's going to sign Tank. He's a perfectly servicable defensive tackle and he wants to be the NFL's Man of the Year. Of course, he's also suspended for the first eight games of the season, so teams would be wise to wait until around week six to bring him in. Fiscal responsibility is always a concern when you're a struggling league like the NFL.

Mondays with the Muppets

Sports
Sports bloggers, taking over the world. [KC Star]
Barry Bonds, starting the MLB All-Star game? But why? [USA Today]
Don't trade away Adam Dunn. Please don't. [Keep Adam Dunn]
Merril Hoge HATES Vince Young. We don't think he's entirely wrong. [Sports by Brooks]

Movies
Yahoo! wants you to watch Live Free or Die Hard. [Yahoo! Movies]
Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela. We could see that. [BBC News]
Another roundup detailing how good movies were in the '70s. [Pop Matters]
What movies are actually video game movies in disguise? [Game Couch]

TV
Did you miss NBC's Kidnapped? Well, you're in luck. [The Futon Critic]
Comedy Central beating the news media to the punch - again. [InDecision 2008]
Isaiah Washington says the gays were scheming to get him fired. Uh huh. [Keith Boykin]
TNT, bringing you Spielberg on Spielberg. Is he gonna talk about A.I.? [Spielberg Films]

Invasion America has landed (actually, it's been here for a while, we just now found it)

Yesterday was one of those days where you have a chance to ruminate on life's past events. Friends, family, forgotten WB miniseries, the usual. Invasion America, a 1998 animated sci-fi epic if there ever was one, popped into our heads yesterday and we have to share. It's set in the early '80s where a group of human-looking aliens from the planet Tyrus are trying to make contact with Earth. The ruler of Tyrus, the venerable Cale-Oosha, wants merely to initiate communication with our planet, but his brother, The Dragit, wants to invade.

An Israeli-Palestinian-type conflict between the two's camps erupts as a result and Cale-Oosha flees to Earth and goes into hiding. He marries an American woman and fathers a son. Fifteen years later, still on the run from Dragit, Cale-Oosha raeturns to Tyrus to gather what's left of his supporters. Meanwhile, Dragit has found Cale-Oosha's family, beginning an epic cat-and-mouse chase that sets the series in motion.

Sounds a bit dorky, doesn't it? Well, it is. But we're watching Invasion America anyway, because all sci-fi is a bit dorky when you break it down. If you're interested, here's the first segment of the first episode. The same user who posted this has posted several of the other episodes.

Andruw Jones, sucking for you...

Andruw Jones is on our fantasy baseball team, and as everyone who reads Deadspin knows, no one cares about our fantasy team. So, we'll keep this short and simply direct you to On The Show, who have a terrific analysis of just how fuckplant-ish Jones has been throughout the first half of the 2007 season. He's now batting less than .200 and he had one hit this week. One. The following graf from On The Show sums up our feelings quite nicely:

According to ESPN.com fantasy services, Jones is owned in 100% of all leagues, meaning that not only does every fantasy baseball owner everywhere have Jones on their team, they are also being screwed by him. As is with every year, Jones’ maddening potential is too good for a sell-low trade, or an outright drop, so fantasy teams with fewer options for power production must continue playing Jones, and basically carry out the fantasy version of a death march to Bataan.

Andruw Jones, we hate you, but we cannot trade you. They call that a paradox.

Whatcha know about this, Scout's Inc.?

Normally, we stay away from ESPN chats (and back-to-back ESPN posts, quite frankly), but with the next month officially the NFL's dead period - even Peter King's not writing! - we're desperate for anything football-related. So, this morning we joined in the Sportsnation chat with Scout's Inc.'s Matt Williamson. Sadly, our question about the density of the fibers in Randy Moss's hamstrings went unanswered. But we did gather enough material to make a few observations.

Question #1 - Carl: VA: do you see clinton portis being an injury risk this year?

Matt's answer: For sure. I love him when healthy, but he has taken a pounding over his young career and isn't the biggest guy in the world. His explosivenss seems to be waning and like you said-he is now a major durability concern. Washington would be wise to give Betts 1/3 of the carries or so.

Our answer: Just a third of the carries? Betts had 1,100 yards in only nine starts last year! The Skins need to ship Portis to Atlanta for Warrick Dunn, sign Kurt Warner, and recreate the Greatest Show on Turf with Dunn playing the Faulk role. With Betts, Dunn, Moss, Randle-El and Lloyd we see no reason the Skins wouldn't average 30 a game. Maybe.

Question #2 - Mike (Boise): I'm rollin' with Nolan!!!! The Niners have to be at least 9-7 don't they? I mean, Frank Gore might get towards 2000 yards this year!!

Matt's answer: Hey, I love Gore. 2K is pretty steep, but I feel ya. Maybe 9-7. I said 8-8ish. I don't see 10 wins though.

Our answer: 2,000 yards? No way. Darrell Jackson and Antonio Bryant aren't enough to keep teams from stacking the box against the Niners, and Gore is no Barry Sanders. Remember, the NFC's number two seed last year had 10 wins. Ten! Even if San Fran only goes 9-7 they'll probably get a home playoff game.

Question #3 - Jeremy, Louisiana: Do you think the defensive additions the Saints made in the offseason improve their 10-6 record from a year ago and get them to the Super Bowl this year?

Matt's answer: No. I like the Saints and have all the respect in the world for Payton and Brees in particular, but I still worry about their overall D and think that the O can't play any better than it did last season. The WRs are very young and could fall back to earth a bit.

Our answer: This year, the Saints will be playing a first-place schedule and the only upgrade they made to their most glaring weakness was signing an ordinary Cover 2 corner (Jason David) to a contract worth four times his market value. We can see the Saints making the Super Bowl, if only because the team that knocked them out of the playoffs last year - the Bears - lost its best offensive weapon and still has Rex Grossman under center.

Question #4 - David [Farmington, Maine]: How do you think Randy Moss will play by brady's side, in 2007-2008?

Matt's answer: I love the minimal risk of trading for Moss for NE. I expect a very productive seasaon and he should be able to free up the running game, TEs and other WRs in the passing game. I don't think he will post lights out numbers, but his presence will make him productive. I like the move.

Our answer: Minimal risk? Talk to the Eagles about minimal risk. Everyone compares this move to the Patriots bringing in Corey Dillon. It's not the same. Moss has been a malcontent everywhere he's been, and catching 50 balls for 750 yards isn't going to change that.

Question #5 - Pete (Boston): What will Brandon Jacobs be this year? He was unstopable when I saw him carryring the ball last year. Hopefully he starts to take his role serious.

Matt's answer: I am not nearly as high on Jacobs as many other people are and I really worry about that O this season. Tiki's loss will hurt that O in many ways and the OL is extremely thin-bad combination. As for Jacobs, yes, he is unstopable at times, but he isn't real nifty and runs too high. He is a huge target for tacklers. I bet Droughns ends up getting more carries than many think at this point.

Our answer: He's 6-4, so high is the only way he can run. And when a target is 260 lbs., how many people can tackle that target when it's moving at 4.4 speed? Jacobs is a monster, plain and simple.

Question #6 - Crew (Ann Arbor): Wow no Kitna questions yet. What do you think of Kitna predicting over 10 wins for the Lions? I dont think that can happen but I can see more than 6 wins. What do you think?

Matt's answer: Yeah, he's dreaming with 10 wins. That division isnt real tough outside of Chicago and I really like what Marinelli has done to their roster since he arrived, but they still have some major weaknesses. 6 wins seems fair.

Our answer: We don't think the Bears blitz the division again this year. Win it, yes, but not by as much as everyone thinks. We say the Lions go 8-8. Crazy? Yes, yes we are.

Question #7 - Os (Jersey): Matt, you're the man for stepping up and taking my last question like that. But surely, Minny can't be the NFC's worst team, can they?

Matt's answer: What do all of you guys think? Who is the worst team in the NFC? Darkhorse contender for that dubious honor: ATL.

Our answer: Vick's poison and the Falcons are going to struggle, but they're not the NFC's worst team. That would be Tampa Bay. Or Arizona.

Question #8 - Christy: Charlotte, North Carolina: I am really high on Tony Romo future as a Top QB in the NFL. I'm also a huge Terrell Owens fan! No matter what team he's on. Despite all of that I'm not sure if Wade Pillips is the guy who will lead the Cowboys back to the Super Bowl. Help me out Matt. Thanks, Christy! :)

Matt's answer: Dallas is strong-very strong. I love their D this year and they will torment QBs. The OL should be much improved and Romo will also be better. They are a Super Bowl contender in the weak NFC.

Our answer: Tony Romo, Super Bowl QB. God help us all.

Question #9 - Kenton (Indianapolis): Matt, no Colts questions? Is it possible that the offense will be even better this year with the addition of Gonzalez in the slot? I think he's the sleeper pick for AFC R.O.Y.

Matt's answer: Agreed. Perfect fit.

Our answer: Wait, what is the Colts' third-string RB Kenton Keith doing asking questions in an ESPN chat? You're not going to overtake DeDe Dorsey that way, Kenton.

Question #10 - Chris Bob (NYC): Heard a rumor of McNabb to the Bears... Any truth to this?

Matt's answer: Can't see it at all. Philly is a contender.

Our answer: Not this one, again. Didn't we all learn from Jr. Griffey that playing for your hometown team isn't all it's cracked up to be?

Pssst...the ESPY nominations are out

We know you probably don't care about this (hell, we wouldn't care if not for the Colts leading the nominations!), but ESPN announced the nominations for the 2007 ESPYS this morning. The show airs July 15 from H-Wood's Kodak Theatre, just a few miles up the road from us. We're planning on tailgating in our #18 Manning jersey (we, sadly, also own a #10 Manning jersey) and rooting for the "award baron" LaDainian Tomlinson to be upset. But we won't be holding our breath, because that stuff never happens twice in a calendar year.

Who says musicals suck?

Our weekend wasn't terribly exciting, minus the part where we DIDN'T fall asleep on the beach, which is always nice. There's nothing like taking acid showers all week and watching your skin molt. We were lazy, so the highlights were few and far between. We liked Chris Young skewering the Red Sox Saturday night, Yovani Gallardo's continued emergence as a top-shelf ace, and this little Irish music film, Once, that totally blew us away Sunday afternoon. We're not usually much for musicals (we boycotted Dreamgirls), but Once is so simple, understated and elegant that we feel compelled to spread word.

It doesn't need our help; it's per-screen averages are amazing and it's a lock for a Golden Globe best comedy/musical nomination. But we loved it, perhaps more than any film we've seen this year not named Zodiac. Check it out, because it's not a sequel and there's no CGI. And isn't that reason enough?

Here's the trailer:

This weekend in sports

It's a summer Friday, so we're out of here in a few minutes and we don't want to leave you without this weekend's must-see TV. In short, there isn't any. No U.S. Open, no Indy 500, no Clemens. Make due. Get some sun. Read a book. Watch the World Bowl, if you must.

Tonight

A's at Mets (7:05 P.M. ET, MLB.TV)
- It's a Deadspin Pants Party at Shea Stadium tonight, fuckers. We won't be there, but keep an eye on the stands, friends.

Phillies at Cardinals (8:10 P.M. ET, MLB.TV)
- The first Cardinal game in the Mike Maroth era for the Deadbirds. Anticipation...rising...

Red Sox at Padres (10: 05 P.M. ET, MLB.TV)
- Dice-K vs. Maddux. Imagine if this match-up was taking place six years ago.

Saturday

World Bowl XV (Noon ET, NFL)
- The Frankfurt Galaxy and Hamburg Sea Devils battle in what may be the last World Bowl ever played. Tear.

Cubs at White Sox (1:05 P.M. ET, WGN)
- Honestly, the absence of Michael Barret takes a lot of the fun out of this one.

Tigers at Braves (3:55 P.M. ET, FOX)
- Justin Verlander strikes Andruw Jones out multiple times. We're not saying it's going to happen, just that it might.

Sunday

Twins at Marlins (1:05 P.M. ET, MLB.TV
- Johan Santana. Dontrelle Willis. Each have 7-6 records, so which would you rather have?

Indians at Nationals (1:35 P.M. ET, MLB.TV)
- It's matchups like this that keep us wanting more - not less - interleague play.

Tigers at Braves (8:05 P.M. ET, ESPN)- Because no weekend is complete without a lil' Joe Morgan blathering.

Sean Penn returns to the director's chair

We've never read it, but we've always heard Into the Wild is a fantastic book. Sean Penn has written and directed a version of it that's headed your way in September. It's not going to be enough to get us to read the book, but the trailer does an effectve job of getting us wanting to see the film.

Cardinal fans meet your savior: Mike Maroth

With Chris Carpenter and Mark Mulder both still at least a month away from rejoining the Cardinals starting rotation, the team had to do something. That something was send momentum-killer Kip Wells to the bullpen, recall winless Anthony Reyes from Triple-A, and, apparently, trade for a mediocre left-handed pitcher from the AL. We like the move. We'd have preferred the Cards sent Reyes and Chris Duncan to the Pirates for Ian Snell, but that wasn't ever going to happen.

Tigers starter Mike Maroth is the newest addition to the Cards' horrid pitching staff, and he fits right in. He's 5-2 in 13 starts this season, with a 5.06 ERA. Adjusted to the NL, we'll say his ERA will drop to about 4.00, and he'll get about that many runs a game to work with. So, in essence, the Cardinals have just acquired a .500 pitcher. They'll take it. Maroth's WHIP may be an ugly 1.66, but his five wins are nearly twice as many as Wells and Reyes have combined this season.

Maroth will never be anything more than a No. 3, but in the eight starts he made against NL teams from 2004-06 he's never given up more than five earned runs. That may not sound like an accomplishment, and it shouldn't. On this team, though, it's a breakthrough.

We like the trade. Viva El Birdos likes the trade, saying "he ain't a world-beater, but he can throw innings, and he ought to be able to survive against nl lineups." And the readers of the Tigers blog Bless You Boys aren't happy to see Maroth shipped out, a sure-fire sign the Cards are getting a good deal.

And now, because this is always fun, here's what the ESPN commenters are saying:

"I am upset that the Tigers are getting rid of this young great arm. This is a huge loss to the organization."
- Evan_Kaplan

"Tigers will not miss him. They have a surplus of young arms and once Kenny was called up there was a logjam. This is the best for Maroth and the tigs."
- dominiakd10

"The first stone has been cast in the race for the pennant. by the defending champs. desperation setting in for some teams."
- skonman

"Hancock and Kile are not returning."
- Thomar4

"Good move by the cards, they still have a great chance to win that lousy division."
- Chowdahead23

"Rise and fall, on the wings of my dreams"

Sports
Bitching about ESPN is allowed, thank you very much. [The Big Lead]
For every Cal Ripken, there's a bunch of these guys. [Bugs and Cranks]
Joel Zumaya really is Comcastic. [YouTube]
Slurping Vince Young is still in style, for the moment. [The Sports Oasis]

Movies
Meryl Streep's getting up there, huh? [Pop Watch]
An ungodly amount of inches devoted to Michael Moore's Sicko. [LA Times]
Woody Allen, doing an opera. Because that makes sense. [Yahoo!]
Not all summer movies are crappy. Just most of them. [NY Times]

TV
Is reality TV over? Oh, we hope so. [Newsweek]
A chick president on 24? Hey, this show is realistic! [TV Guide]
The Office made it to syndication. Congrats to them. [Broadcasting Cable]
Heroes, hell-bent on world domination. [LA Times]

Evan Almighty, pelted for you, all of you read of it

We'll watch Steve Carell in just about anything. We love him on The Office and The 40 Year-Old Virgin is one of the greatest comedies of the last decade. We, in our past life as a movie reviewer, even once watched him as Officer Sherman in the excerable Sleepover.

But we won't be seeing Evan Almighty, even if it is Carell's first big-budget starring vehicle and the most expensive comedy ever made. Fist, it's rated PG. We can't remember the last time we left the theater after viewing a PG-rated movie and didn't want our money back. Second, why does the sequel to a so-so comedy have to be so friggin' expensive? Comedy is a low-budget art. Always has been, always will be. Lastly, why is Carell's character now a congressman? We hate sequels that are sequels in name only.

And we're not alone. Here's a small sampling of what the nation's critics are saying about the latest summer fuckplant dropped on our heads:

"You know what "Evan Almighty" needs? Jokes. That's what it doesn't have."
- Chicago Tribune

"If there is one thing this Old Testament comedy is, it's seriously devout. Also seriously unfunny."
- San Jose Mercury News

"As summer comedies go, Evan isn't heaven sent. It's just standard Hollywood fare, cleaned up for the Christian audience that Universal prays will show up."
- Orlando Sentinel

"Frank Capra, stop rolling in your grave. At least they cared enough to steal from the very best, as the new Steve Carell comedy labors mightily to re-create the sublime pleasures of Capra's humane and vivid populist rousers."
- Washington Post

"Although Wanda Sykes, as Evan's executive assistant, and Ed Helms, as (what else?) a preening yutz of a TV reporter, do what they can to keep the edges sharp, nothing can offset the picture's dutiful Sunday-school intentions or the generic qualities of the CG animals that follow Noah in twosies."
- Entertainment Weekly

Indiana Jones - older than dirt

We don't really have much to say about this other than, wow, Harrison Ford looks a little too sexagenarian to be running around whipping people.

This way you get a wife and a daughter - brilliant!

Thanks to College Game Balls for leading us to this story, although it's totally fouled up our morning. Apparently, a North Carolina high school track coach is marrying one of his athletes, a 16-year-old runner. The marriage was the end result of this mess, but it's not like they got drunk one night in Vegas and made an ill-advised decision.

During Windy's freshman year, her 38-year-old track coach, Brenton Wuchae, began taking a more active interest in her, offering to give the 14-year-old rides home from practice.

Then came the 2 a.m. text messages, the disturbing e-mails, and - finally - the nuptials. Stories like this are why we are waiting forever to have children. And, if it's at all possible, we will have three boys first so our daughter will have an umbrella of enforcers protecting her from this scenario. We've come a long way from Leave it to Beaver, people.

Your "no shit" moment of the day

Kevin Garnett is not interested in being traded to the Celtics. This shocks us in a way we haven't been shocked since the Lakers chose Kobe over Shaq. Why would KG want to go to Boston? Why would the Celts want to give up Al Jefferson for a guy who will bring a few extra points, rebounds and blocks, but not much else? For further evidence of how much Garnett would be appreciated in Boston, view the following:

The biggest WR in the history of the world is making a comeback

Anyone else here remember David Boston? You might know him as the outstanding Ohio State wideout who ended Jake Plummer's Arizona State team's national title hopes. Or as the young Arizona Cardinal receiver who exploded in his third year for 98 catches, nearly 1,600 yards and eight TD's. But most likely you know him as the player who underwent a Barry Bonds-style body transformation, was arrested for assault, and tested positive for steroids.

He last played in 2005, catching four balls for 80 yards with the Dolphins. After that, no one wanted to touch him. We mean no one. Until now. The Tampa Bay Bucs appear to be taking a chance on him. Unless he comes into camp at 220 lbs. and looking sleek and steroid-free, we'd say that's a bad idea.

The microphone's not the only thing that's bigger...

Sports
NBA trades that won't happen, but fun to discuss. [The Basketball Jones]
Brady's baby mamma is still getting work. [Bottomless Chips]
Jessica Biel rules all - in the magazine world. [GQ]
The toughest schedules in college football. [SI.com]

Movies
35 weeks to Oscar. [Movie City News]
Ebert on the latest AFI list. [Sun-Times]
And, here's how the Reeler sees the list. [The Reeler]
50 DVDs any serious film buff must own. We don't have them all. [Pop Matters]

TV
Did Grey's Anatomy fire the wrong guy? [Houston Chronicle]
Is Drew Carey the right replacement for Bob Barker? [Variety]
Conan O'Brien in a comic book? We'd read that shit. [NBC.com]
Lost rules over the underworld that is Wikipedia. [WSJ]

The worst music video you can imagine

We've officially dubbed this Lazy Video Post Day. If you have a problem with that, write your congressman. We'd do the same, but we've yet to register to vote in California (we don't want jury duty) and we're not sure who runs our district in the backwoods of Illinois. Anywho, don't ask us why, but this song popped into our heads a few minutes ago. Naturally, we rushed to YouTube.

Back in the day, when we were slaving as an usher in a movie theatre, this track used to play endlessly on the deplorable audio invention known as Movie Tunes. We hated it then, we hate now, and we want you to hate it as well.



We're not vindictive, but any song that gets away with "shooby-doo-wop and scooby snacks" has it coming.

Noah Baumbach is at it again

A short disclaimer: two of Noah Baumbach's films - Kicking and Screaming and The Squid and the Whale - are on our top ten list of the best films made in the last decade. So, you won't often find us quarrelling with the choices he makes. But, honestly, we were pissed when we found out he'd cast Nicole Kidman as the lead in his latest film, Margo at the Wedding. We don't hate the woman, mind you, we just detest watching her on screen. And then...we watched the trailer for Margot.

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It appears we were wrong. Like that's the first time it's happened. We don't see it matching the near perfection of The Squid and the Whale, but this oddball comedy about a group of aging oddballs seems like Election meets She's the One. Or at least that's how we'd pitch it.

"You've never punched anyone before. Yes I have, you don't know 'em because they're not around anymore because I punched 'em."

Bill and Hillary, acting titans

Not sure if the rest of you've seen this yet (we hadn't, only heard about it), but it's a pretty brilliant political manuever. Hillary Clinton has all the screen presence of a mountain goat and we're a bit burnt out on all the Sopranos crap saturating the Net, yet it still captivates us. Don't expect any recourse from the republican juggernaut. Unless, of course, they can get Giuliani in drag or Mitt Romney officiating a gay wedding.

We're just sayin'...

...that Andruw Jones has one hit in his last 25 - 25! - at bats. Not good in a contract year buddy, not good. And we're especially broken up about it because the former teen dream is dragging our fantasy team's collective batting average down like Lindsay Lohan in Bobby. We're thinking of trading him straight up for Tim Lincecum. After all, it's a keeper league...

Oh, and bonus points if you get who we're parodying with this particular style of post.

Take your job and shove it

Joe Girardi, former NL Manager of the Year and generally regarded as the best manager in baseball without, you know, a managing job, has turned down an offer from the Baltimore Orioles to take the reins of their sorry excuse for a franchise. How the Orioles got so bad we're not sure. Camden Yards? The House that Ripken Built? How do you mess that up? Then again, we all know Baltimore has its share of problems.

The best thing you'll see all day

For real. And no, we're not just being lazy with these YouTube posts. This really is the best thing you'll see all day. If you're a fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, that is.

Just in case you were wondering...

...why our blog signature is bsanders37...



Yeah, we know the video sucks for the first couple minutes, but our high school and college number was 37 and we were an undersized OLB who played too aggressive for his size. Hope that clears things up. We've only had a few people inquire, but we just wanted to keep things lucid.

You Must Read: No Country For Old Men

We've pimped this book before, in a way. Last week, we pointed you in the direction of the Coen Bros.' latest effort, the adapation of this very title. We haven't seen the film yet, but it thrilled at Cannes, it stars Javier Bardem, and most critics who've seen it call it one of the best movies of the year.

But it all started with the book, Cormac McCarthy's masterpiece, which details the trouble that follows a case full of money and drugs across the bare landscape of southwest Texas. No Country's prose is terse but elegant, and its characters, from the everyman hunter who stumbles upon the cash to the mercenary hired to hunt him down, are superbly rendered. It's not a long read, but McCarthy's economy of words is perfectly suited for the world he's developed here.

None of these characters has time for small talk. The dialogue is stripped down to its bones, much like the plot. It's a good vs. evil story on the surface, but beneath it's a meditation on the moral choices men are often forced to make in an instant - and the mess they leave behind. McCarthy won the Pulitzer Prize for The Road and it's post-apocalyptic vision, but we'll always view No Country For Old Men as his greatest work.

We don't want to spend too much time on this, but...

It appears things can get worse for Pacman Jones. He's now facing two felonies stemming from the shooting he was allegedly involved in over NBA All-Star weekend. We're a bit burnt out on Pacman, to be honest, and we've already said our piece.

So, for now, we'll close with this: We're all going to find out just how good Vince Young really is now. He was one of three players - along with Pacman and Travis Henry - who led the Titans back from the dead (0-5) last year to a .500 finish. Now, he's the only one left. Time to shut up the haters, VY.

Neil Diamond, for no apparent reason

Sports
Mops, the new weapon of choice. [Lion In Oil]
Rick Ankiel is still nowhere to be found in our fantasy league. What gives? [Simon on Sports]
Is Ted Johnson's helmet the scapegoat in Concussiongate? [The Patriot Ledger]
Mike Downey kicks dirt on Barrett's grave before it's even shut. [Chicago Tribune]

Movies
Just how religious is Evan Almighty? [LA Times]
WTF is The King of Kong? [Yahoo! Movies]
The worst movie scenes ever, collected for your pleasure. [YouTube]
Why the NC-17 rating is completely useless. [EW]

TV
Holy balls, Nip/Tuck's stars make a ton of cash! [H-Wood Reporter]
If you're in Jersey, why not buy Rev. Run's digs? [NY Daily News]
More Bridget, she of the baby Brady, than you can handle. [Variety]
Isiah Washington loves himself. Well, isn't that nice? [TV Squad]

The calvary's coming to save the Deadbirds

Despite placing two key members - Jim Edmonds and Braden Looper - of their team on the DL recently, being six games below .500 and sporting the worst run differential in the worst division in baseball, things are looking up for the St. Louis Cardinals. Their bats are waking up (they've scored 33 runs in the last four games), Albert Pujols is once again playing at an MVP level (he's hitting .323 with seven home runs in the month of June), and - the best news of all - Chris Carpenter is throwing off the mound with no soreness.

Carpenter, who will throw a 50-pitch session today, met with the team doctor Monday, and the results couldn't have come back better for the Cards.

"I had zero (soreness)," he said. "I was pleasantly surprised." Carpenter expects to throw as many as 50 pitches today at what he called "75 percent." "I've felt stronger each day; the ball is coming out better," Carpenter said. "And there's no soreness."

We're tempering our expectations, of course. The Cards still trail Milwaukee by 7.5 games, Kip Wells is still on the roster, and - we hate to say it - the Cubs look to be reenergized (and trading Michael Barrett can only help). But as the guys at Viva El Birdos say, if the Cards can get to .500 before the all-star break, anything can happen.

We just hope Carpenter shaves that soul patch before he comes back. Between him, Spezio and Pujols, the entire Cardinal roster seems to have a facial hair identity crisis.