The time is almost upon us, nerds: fantasy football season. Training camp doesn't begin for another month, but that doesn't mean anything to us. This year we're excited because our keeper is - who else? - Peyton Manning, who we shrewdly traded Donovan McNabb and Willis McGahee for at the outset of last season. Was it a good move? It's debatable. McNabb played at an MVP level for the first half of the season and McGahee was decent enough, but Manning ended up second overall in fantasy points and sliding our No. 3 back, Chester Taylor, into McGahee's slot worked out just fine.
We didn't win the league, of course. We were steamrolled in the first round of the playoffs by the guy with LT, like most players in fantasy leagues. But LT's not going to score 30+ TD's this year, friends. We've hatched a full-proof plan that has to work. Here's our strategy:
Pre-draft: Plop 20-pack of Heineken on center of draft table. Leaguemates don't drink high quality beer often. Two or three and their decisions begin to faulter.
Round one: We have the ninth pick in a snake draft. Bugger. We'll take Rudi Johnson, he of the yearly 1,200 yards and 12 TD's. He's reliable and boring. In other words, what we want our team to stand for.
Round two: We say fuck last season and grab Edgerrin James, even though he hasn't broken a run for more than 20 yards since we were in college.
Round three: Everyone else is afraid to touch Terrell Owens. Not us. We'll gladly fondle him - until he drops his first long pass. Then we're trading him straight up for Mike Furrey.
Round four: Randy Moss or Andre Johnson. Both should have been taken by now. One plays for the Texans. We'll take the other guy.
Round five: We grab Santana Moss, who screwed us over last year. What can we say, we're gluttons for punishment.
Round six: Mike Furrey. We don't know why.
Round seven: The Packers' starting RB may very well end up being Brandon Jackson. We cross our fingers, then pick him.
Round eight: The Titans' starting RB may very well end up being Chris Henry. We cross our toes, then pick him.
Round nine: Fuck it, if no one's going to do it, we're taking the Ravens' D.
Round ten: Ronald Curry from the Raiders. Big-time reach, but who else do they have on that team?
Round eleven: Drew Bennett, because you can't go wrong having two white WR's on your team.
Round twelve: Rex Grossman, on a lark, because we want no one else to have the sex cannon.
Round thirteen: Kicker time. Adam V is ours.
Round fourteen: Greg Olsen. Rookie TE's are a crapshoot, but shitty QB's always look for the saftey valve, right?
Round fifteen: Slit wrists
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